Facebook's starting to sound like dear old Mom. In its deep desire for us all to be happy and connected (and feed lonely farm animals), Facebook has developed a Suggestions sidebar----Or what I like to call the "Simulated Maternal Nagging Feature."
This app checks out who's active on your friends list and spins less-rabid Facebook buds into that frumpy, socially-inept cousin who our mother insists that we really should invite along to the party-- and possibly give a makeover.
"Mary Kwyte-Contrary only has 15 friends. Suggest friends for her!" it says.
Now, though Mary may be an individualist, she has always been able to make friends on her own.
But Facebook's Simulated Maternal Nagging Feature is worried about Mary's social life. Mary has friends, yes, but does she have enough friends? Of course not!
And is that really what Mary's wearing in her avatar? And wouldn't she like to just try wearing a little rouge? A little? For Mom? Please?
Why don't you help her, the Maternal Nagging Feature wants to know? What kind of friend are you? Didn't Mom raise you better than this? Help her! Help her NOW!
(Ahem.)
"This is your friend Bo Peep-- Help her find her friends!"
Yep, that's Mother Facebook again, stepping in and wondering why Bo's left wandering in the Facebook fields with less than a 200-head flock around her.
And if you don't make suggestions for Bo right away, well... look out! Mother Facebook has vays of makingk zem flock.
"Johnathan B. Nimble is 48% active. Poke him."
I beg your pardon, Mother Facebook?
Oh-- I see. You want to light a fire under ol' Jack because you think he's not hitting the Facebooks enough...
Instead he's out having a candlelight dinner with Jill--
(you know, outside. In the real world.)
--And not spending his days looking for that dirty bra in Mafia Wars or taking in some lost black duck on Farmvilletown Acres.
But my favorite... my favorite of all Simulated Maternal Nags was when a Facebook friend said she'd just been shown an avatar and was told:
"This is Peter Piper. Reconnect with him."
"But I palavered with Peter peering over his paper and peck of pickled peppers at breakfast. He's my partner," said Penny Whistle-Piper, dryly.
Yes, but that's Mother Facebook, butting in to our relationships again. "You never call... You never write.."
And I think it's getting worse. Soon we'll be getting Suggestions like:
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"See our friend Hansel Voodcutterson here? Hansel hasn't logged in for 12 hours. By the time you read this Suggestion, I will be dead from the gas I inhaled after putting my central processing unit in the oven of the Facebook Cafe World app.
"Clearly, Hansel is a selfish boy who cares more for his gingerbread addiction than he does Mother Facebook.
"You could have saved me an untimely shut-down by emailing him to log in. But you didn't. You're just like the rest of them. Why do I bother?
...
"Okay, so I'm not actually dead yet. But I will be. Click here to contact the local news station in Hansel's area to beg him to log-in to Facebook and make his Mother happy..."
"You would if you truly loved me."
Today's question: Has Facebook or any other online service ever gotten pushy with you?
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