Henry the Eighth Goes to Counseling

In the last few months, I've watched both The Tudors and The Other Boleyn girl. And if there's a lesson I've learned from it (other than they sure weren't burdened by underpants), it's:

Never, Ever Go to the King's Court. You'll live longer.

I also learned a little bit about Henry the Eighth's personal problems. And that got me thinking about what the discussion would be like if our boy Henry Tudor had had the chance to talk to a psychologist regularly.

This is that conversation, as read from the perspective of Henry's Ye Olde Royal Therapist, Mrs. Harker... (If you don't want to read the transcript, you can listen to the brand new version with sound here--

http://www.cabbagesnkings.net/2009/07/henry-eighth-goes-to-counseling-now.html )

Mrs. Harker: So, Henry... how's the week treated you?...

Oh... You beheaded another one, huh? Catherine Howard... Um... (hesitant, trying to sound casual) Why'd ya do that, Henry?

Stepping out on you, you say?... With her secretary? Yeah, I know. Story as old as the Bible. Or, um, HR, right?

You know, I can't help but notice, Henry... Since you've been coming to me, this seems to be the, er, second wife you've beheaded.

And, frankly, your other three marriages really didn't go all that well, either. I mean, a couple of annulments, a banishment or two... Plus, last year, didn't you behead the guy who set you up with Anne of Cleves?

Oh-- you say you'd specifically told him 'no horse-faces' on your eMonarchy personality profile?

That's strange, Henry, I'd heard Anne had a really dishy miniature portrait. Heard that was some hot stuff! I mean everyone was saying, 'Lookit the wimple on that girl!' (laughs nervously)

No, huh?... (clears throat)...

Well, I could be just talking out of my hat, Henry, but it's looking like you might have some... um... intimacy issues here.

What's that? Well, it's just you've married three wives in eight years, and beheaded two of 'em. Plus, um... you offed your brother-in-law, your match-maker, and exiled your daughter to Scotland.

Well, it's just, see... that kind of behavior keeps people at arm's length, is what I'm saying.

Yes, when you kill them and put their heads on pikes outside your window, that tends to... distance people...

Yes, I know, it's a funny angle of the human psyche.

Well, maybe we'll touch on that again later; we don't have a lot of time today.

How have you been doing with the weight loss program you were starting last time we talked?...

Ah. You did okay through Thursday, but then binged out and ate an entire boar yourself, huh?

Yes, I know, those pig knuckles are addictive! Okay, Henry, well, we all make mistakes. Just remember what we said about moderation. You can have some ham, but just don't go whole-hog on it.

Do you think the guilt about binging might not have pushed you over the edge with Cathy and the secretary?..

Well, maybe consider that and we'll discuss it next session.

Now, one more thing I wanted to touch on before we go. We'd left off last time talking about how you were worried you didn't have a legitimate male heir, and you suspected all the courtiers were talking about you behind your back, calling you 'King Floppy-Arrow.'

Now, do you still think they're saying that?

Oh... Now you think they're also calling you His Royal Hugeness? And Fatty-Fat McThroney?

See, Henry, I think you might just be projecting, here. You're feeling overweight and impotent, and as a result, you think that everyone--

What? Um, yes. I can see the heads on pikes from here... No, I don't need to see them more closely.

Aw, Henry. I'm so disappointed in you. This is exactly what I was talking about regarding the intimacy issues. Threats? Deflecting? (sigh)

Look, we're just about out of time anyway. So I want you to take this week and think about your reaction back there.

You have to love yourself first, Henry. You ponder on that and I'll see you next week...

I hope.

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