It's Okay, He's Dead Now


The recent Michael Jackson World Fellowship and Wiener Roast has made me question my memory. To the point I'd swear I need to see a medical professional.

I mean, wasn't it just a few weeks ago that ol' M.J. was the subject of running jest, with folks murmuring about everything from his putty nose and questionable court cases, to his mighty debts and his sidekick monkey?

But now he's no longer living, the monkey and money and putty noses seem to have been washed away in a great global tidal wave of nostalgia, revisionism and OxyClean.

I could swear the same thing happened to Nixon, but without the nose jokes.

At least, not the same ones.

So before I commit myself to in-depth brain probing and prodding at the hands of our eager health care system, I decided to compile a list of folks who, upon their ultimate demise, may also become buffed and polished by the great Media Soak-and-Spin.

This way, when the tragic eventually happens, I have a published record of the prediction. And I won't have to wonder whether it isn't just time for my 37-year, 30,000 mile brain change.

Here are my suggestions.

  • Pauly Shore: This goodwill ambassador, biodome environmentalist, and distinctive comedian drew on a rich family tradition of comedy club connections. A sequel to his sleeper hit film "Pauly Shore is Dead," tentatively titled "Pauly Shore is Dead. No. Seriously" is expected to hit theaters to record-breaking crowds this fall.
  • Paris Hilton: Philanthropist and inventor who prevented millions of dogs with hip dysplasia from enduring otherwise torturous physical movement due to innovative dog-purse trend. Up for canonization as St. Paris of the Walkies.
  • Jerry Springer: This wise counselor drew together people of diverse backgrounds and views for moments of unexpected unity. He helped them find the joy and emotional release through furniture aerodynamics. He is to be posthumously nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize in physics.
  • Courtney Love: This independent songstress and fashionista gave us a new look at our perceptions on makeup precision and underwear usage. She also always took the time to give reporters a few words, even if they were random and unrelated.
  • Tom Cruise: A tireless advocate for mental wellness, this landmark actor demonstrated the power of portraying the same character throughout a life-long career. He was also a strong supporter of rigorous home furnishings testing. It is believed over 1 million people may have been saved from falling through otherwise unstable sofas due to his buoyant public stance.
  • Nadya Suleman (Octo-Mom): Changed the face of motherhood forever, largely in the direction of Angelina Jolie's. Her emphasis of quantity over quality in parenting brought an entire world back to a simpler time, reminding us of fond childhood memories, such as the Old Woman Who Lived in the Shoe.
  • Uri Geller. This ordinary man blessed with extraordinary telekinetic abilities demonstrated that a higher power can, in fact, talk through us to create miracles. And that higher power has a whole lot to say about the straightness of spoons.

So, folks-- how do you think history will remember some of our celebrity legends? Our media darlings are popping off at an alarming rate recently-- so get your predictions in now!

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32 comments:

Daisy said...

Um, do you think his nose was really made of putty? I have been wondering about that.

I think Uri Geller is real cool. He is even in a Toad the Wet Sprocket song:
♪ ♪ I can't believe you
You bend your words like Uri Geller's spoons
Not quite safe here
When every judgement
Seems to smack of doom ♪

I wonder why Uri did not use his special powers to do more important things than bend spoons?

Jenn Thorson said...

Daisy- A question for the ages, that is! He also does, apparently, move the needle of compasses. Y'know NOT using a hidden palmed magnet or anything. :)

PS- Thank you for the nice musical interlude. You're an especially clever cat in that you've learned to create note graphics and I haven't done that yet. And I actually have fingers.

Leeuna said...

I was thinking the same thing this morning. How come, since he died, he's suddenly beloved by everyone. Loved this post...especially the Octo-Mom part. Hilarious. :)

Jenn Thorson said...

Leeuna- I suppose if I'd heard people strongly coming to the defense of Mr. Jackson during the earlier Alive and Being Joked About phase, I wouldn't think much of it.

But nope. "Beloved" is the right current word. I appreciate that many loved his music, but it just seems a bit over the top to me. Glad it's not just me!

HA Guy said...

What about Britney Spears?
BS- Somewhat talented singer, dancer, single mother who showed the world it's possible to come back from repeated mental breakdowns and periods of insanity.

(also kind of funny that her initials are BS)

great post!

Jenn Thorson said...

HA Guy- I think you have something there. They could spin it into a really nice Lifetime movie of the week, in fact, her struggle with mental illness and regrowing hair.

HA Guy said...

....and only being successful with the latter of the two.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Not to be too serious here, but how did MJ go from being a baby-blanket-dangling freak with mentally disturbing body-image issues and a creepy 40-year-old thriller who shares his bed with little boys to being a hero and cultural icon?

I wrote four quick, snotty blogs about MJ when he died and have literally received tens of thousands of hits on my site in the past week or so from his fans, many of them angry because I poked fun at him.

It blows me away that now MJ's a hero. He was a pop star--a very successful pop star--but he's no role model. Paris Hilton and Jerry Springer, on the other hand, they're people we can all look up to and I'm pretty pissed that you're making fun of them here.

Another great post, Jenn!

Lisa (Jonny's Mommy) said...

Brittany Spears: With her mental breakdowns and boob enhancements, along with her groundbreaking television extravaganza our country was given a new outlook on the lives of rednecks who, using minimal talent, were able to rise "above it all" and make a better life for themselves. Without Ms. Spears none of us would have known that it is possible to drive with an infant on our lap, yet still manage to garner the adoration of our peers.

Lisa (Jonny's Mommy) said...

Oh no! I didn't see that someone else did BS too! :-)

Lisa (Jonny's Mommy) said...

I agree with Mike: Paris is an inspiration. An inspiration on why we need to make sure rich people do not procreate.

What?! I'm kidding! OK. I'm done commenting. Dang it...I need to read the comments before I comment.

Lisa (Jonny's Mommy) said...

But wait...I'm boosting your comment count, right? So that's a good thing!

OK. No. Seriously. I'm done. Really. Totally done.

chyna said...

I'm wondering how MJ's dad can go from villain (way to use your kids talents to get yourself a nice house there Joseph) to saintly father who only wanted the best for his kids. I actually caught Jermaine uttering his "best Dad in the world" comment the other night. Blew me away!!!!!

I can only hope that now they did the life celebration thing this whole media storm will die too. Can only hope at least. And Jen, watch out for a zombie doing the moonwalk in your neighborhood. we know how zombies seem to follow you around.

ReformingGeek said...

Fun post, Jenn.

After Kiefer Sutherland passes, they should name an Anger Management Course after him.

Quirkyloon said...

Dang it! I've been applying to become Paris' new BFF! I'm thinking maybe I should pursue a new goal.

Oh and one more.

Lindsay Lohan: America's Sweetheart.

heh heh

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Thinking about Daisy's comment, which was very insightful, and one more question leaps to mind: Why didn't Uri Geller use his powers just to change his name? I mean no offense here, but Uri? What kind of name is that for God's sake? It sounds pretty close to urine, or urinary. I would never keep a name like that; I'd change it in a real uri. How about George Geller, reader of minds? Or John Geller, bender of spoons? Anything's better than Uri.

Okay, I'm done now. Sorry.

Jenn Thorson said...

HA Guy- As far as we know, anyway. :)

Mike- I just don't know the answer to that. Either there's a certain part of the population who will jump on the bandwagon no matter what it's playing, or they were fans all along whose voices had been supressed all this time by the jokers or...

I dunno. I understand the joy of music. I don't understand the inability to separate that from the rest of it. PS- I'll keep my Jerry Springer and Paris comments to myself, since you're such a sensitive flower. :)

Lisa- Heh, caught up in the moment there, eh? :) I think Britney merited discussion twice, anyway.

Chyna- Best dad in the world? Oh my. We ARE living in Neverland these days, aren't we? Wasn't this the man who called Michael "big nose" and demeaned him so much he developed a complex? And as for Moonwalking Zombies-- well, I haven't spotted any yet. And I DID even go by the local Zombie Museum (yes, we do have one, though it's under construction). But no one-gloved zombies. Sounds like it'd be ripe for Halloween, though.

ReformingGeek- Yes, absolutely. Him, and oh, Mike Tyson. :)

Quirky- Heh, nice. Yes. Lindsay's, um, very wholesome now.

Mike- Well, Uri IS from Israel, so he kinda didn't have a lot of control over the whole Name Doesn't Scan Well for U.S. Audiences thing. :) I think he still does some programming there.

Suburban Psychosis said...

I agree! Everyone made fun of him when he was alive, but now he is this God or something. People crying and raving about him.

How quickly people change and how fake they are, just makes me crazy!

C.B. Jones said...

Bio-Dome will be named as the greatest modern film in the history of all of mankind.

Then, Brownie Monsters will attack everyone for the excessive jock riding.

Jenn Thorson said...

Suburban Psychosis- I'd just like to know if these were any of the same people making jokes of him. Y'know, like what percentage overlap demographic. :)

C.B. Jones- I suddenly don't think I like the future so much. It's getting really scary. Not in a post-apocalyptic way... more in a Pauly Shore Worship Brownie Monster Thread way. :)

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Now I'm embarrassing myself, but I'm still not finished with this post.

Here's the thing: I like your headline--It's Okay, He's Dead Now--but I'l bet cash money that if you took a class on writing headlines for humor blogs they'd tell you to avoid words like "dead" and "putrid." Not that you used putrid, I'm just sayin'.....

The Mother said...

Damn. WAY too true to be funny. But it was.

Jenn Thorson said...

Mike- I MIGHT use "putrid"-- you never know. I also write about zombies quite a bit. So having "Dead" in the headline probably isn't as unusual for me as it, er, should be. :) And hey-- Monty Python's "Dead Parrot" is a classic. :)


Mother- Well, many a truth told in makin' fun o' somethin'. :)

CatLadyLarew said...

Wow! After reading your descriptions of these people, I might think they had some socially redeeming qualities. For some time now I've thought "Little Michael" was pretty scary... so I have not been hypocritical in fawning over his genius now that he has met his reward.

I look forward to rethinking the lives of people I love to ridicule. Thanks!

Venom said...

Succinct observations; hilarious re-characterizations. Loved this one.

Jenn Thorson said...

CatLady- Ah, the revisionism begins! :)

Venom- Many thank yous, lady o' poison! :)

Robert "Cranelegs" Crane said...

brilliant!

let's see:

sarah palin: known as alaska oakley annie, she is fervently remembered by many as a spokesperson for "truth, justice and the american way", as officially interpretted by rush limbaugh, since most of her documented speeches and interviews were spoken in moose calls (english being a distant second language and used sparingly, one such episode occurring sporadically throughout a much maligned katie couric interview).

Jenn Thorson said...

Bob- Heh, I just have this image of Sarah Palin, in the tradition of Dory from "Finding Nemo," helpfully piping up, "I speak Moose!" And then commencing with a speech entirely in Moose, the hoots and moos echoing across the auditorium.

Gorilla Bananas said...

There's no need to bring Uri Geller into this - he is much admired in the Congo for his work with spoons. Some of us eat with our fingers, you know.

Skye said...

My mama always taught me, never speak ill of the dead. I wonder how many other mama's taught their chil'n that!?! *said in my best Forrest Gump immitation*

John J Savo said...

Nah, there's no way anyone could ever whitewash Paris Hilton...

Except at a bukake festival.

Jenn Thorson said...

Gorilla Bananas- As a gorilla, I have a strong feeling you'd do well with a spoon. And I bet you can bend it pretty easily, too!

Skye- Heh, thanks Forrest.

John- Well, give it time-- she has future philanthropist written all over her... it's in lipstick and happened when she passed out at that last party. :)