No Vampirization without Caffeination


So this morning I had to go for some routine bloodwork. And yes, I saw a couple of you cringe just now at the thought of needles... And bodily fluids... And giant rubberbands whipped around to try to find veins which are shy, sleepy, and not so interested at popping out to say "hi" at 7 o'clock in the morning.

And while I sympathize with you-- and the veins, too, frankly-- and suggest you elevate your feet for a moment and put a cold compress on your head.... there, that's more like it... I have to say, the blood-letting itself does not bother me.

Sure, my friend Scoobie has been known to keel over in a drop-dead faint and look like something out of an Edgar Allen Poe story at the very thought of it.

But I am not bothered by the modern version of leeching. If a leech were involved, perhaps, yes, we'd have to come to some sort of new accord, the leech and I. I'd have some questions about its lifestyle.

But the needle... the needle and I have already come to terms. What really bothers me about going to have bloodwork done is...

I cannot have coffee.

See, regular readers, like you there with the cold compress on the head, you've heard me say how I write my posts half-caffeinated in the morning as part of an important morning Columbian-bean-stimulant consumption ritual.

But when you're supposed to fast for 12 hours before the vein-poking begins, the critical bean-runoff ingestion portion of my morning ends up with a 2-hour-long "Postponed on Account of Vein" delay.

This does not work for me.

And why this does not work for me was proven this morning in a very public place.

Defying all odds, I managed to get myself showered and dressed and possibly-- although the verdict is still out on this-- even with eyeliner on my eyes that doesn't resemble a Tammy Faye Baker crayon portrait.

This, however, is all routine. What was not routine was me plucking myself from the safety and comfort of my home, where the coffee lives, to getting behind the wheel of a several ton automobile, with no greater sense of who I was, or what I was doing there, than an amnesiac soap star.

Fortunately, the Place of Vampirization is only 15 minutes from my house, and traffic in that direction is light. So while I made it to the very building I needed to, a small problem emerged once I was in the lobby.

Not only did I not remember where the room was for these Modern Leechers I'd seen at least three times before...

I completely blanked on the name of the company that did the leeching. The company I'd phoned only a few days earlier.

I stood there at the directory scanning my mind for the name. And in asking the brain to cough up the info, I learned the brain was more than happy to provide all sorts of information I didn't actually need to know.

Brain: Your first grade teacher was Mrs. Schoal!

Me: Lab company... lab company...

Brain: Did you know that the reason colored bubble bath looks white when it foams has to do with light refraction?

Me: What is the name of that lab company?

Brain: Judge Reinhold. That was the name of the actor you were trying to think of last week. You can thank me later.

Me: No, no, no optics, no childhood memories, and no co-stars from Beverly Hills Cop! Curse all Judge Reinholds and the squad cars they rode in on. I need to know the name of that lab company!

And that's when a voice outside of my brain decided to be helpful. "Are you looking for something in particular?"

Oh. I blinked. A person. And I found myself saying to her the only sentence my poor, leaden brain could manage. "Yes, but I haven't had coffee."

As if "I haven't had coffee" explained every important question she could possibly hit me with following that. As if I was worried next she'd ask me some real toughies. Like: how do you operate a nuclear accelerator?

She didn't. She seemed to think it was better for me to deal with my amnesia alone, and zipped off.

Well, I finally found the place, and eventually did get my cup of coffee. But to my embarrassment the lab company is called the rather obvious, descriptive name of "Labcorps."

Which just goes to show, addiction is an ugly, ugly thing. (Sluuurp!) Ahhhhh....

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PS- could some of you tell me stories of strange things you've done when you're tired? I really don't even care if they're real. Lie to me. I'll feel better.

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Humorbloggers
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33 comments:

ReformingGeek said...

Very funny, Jenn! I love "Place of Vampirization". I have also forgotten the name of a lab/doctor that I've been to before. I think it's a mental block for me rather than a lack of caffeine.

When I'm too tired, I tend to shutdown and look and act like a Zombie.

I'm one of those that passes out when I have bloodwork done. I don't know why but I think my brain is saying "Needle", "Ouch", "Sucking Life Juices", "Not", "Right", "Breath", "Hold".....CLUNK!

Jenn Thorson said...

ReformingGeek- Do you WATCH them do it? Because, see, that's where I think things could go awry for me. But mostly I like to think of the pain as being an injection-- y'know, stuff going in... not on its way out.

If she reads the comments, though, friend Scoobie will be jazzed to find out there's someone else who passes out during this.

Nooter said...

once i was so tired from running around at the park i followed the wrong human back to the parking lot and tried to get into his car, d'oh!

Jenn Thorson said...

Nooter- Well, hey, y'know, that could happen to the best of us... I once followed this guy back to his car and...

Oh. Mm. Can't mention that on account of the court case pending.

freetheunicorns said...

Once, I only shaved half my face. That was an awesome day at the office.

Jenn Thorson said...

FreetheUnicorns- Okay-- that image got me laughing so hard, it made me cry a little.

Could you pretend you were just a Batman supervillian or something? :)

Da Old Man said...

Great story. I don't mind getting poked by the vampires, and even watch them. Have had it done so many times, sort of got used to it.

As far as being tired, more than once, I have gone on dates to a movie or play, and fallen asleep.

Yeah, I have thrilled several women on dates with me.

Jenn Thorson said...

Da Old Man- Well, given the quality of some date flicks, I can certainly see why you might fall asleep.

I can only imagine your date's reactions though. Were any of them Mrs. Crotchety?

Unfinished Rambler said...

I don't have the caffeine addiction, but when I get tired, I get goofy. I think it comes from my parents who are the same way. Whenever we went to N.C. for Christmas, we'd end up in a laughing attack at some point along the way.

Chris @ Maugeritaville said...

Things I've done when over-tired:

Driven to work (actually I was sound asleep for that one).

Peed in the closet thinking it was the bathroom.

Accidentally watched "America's Next Top Model".

Brushed my teeth with Neosporin. I do not recommend this.

Jenn Thorson said...

Unfinished Rambler- Was your dad tired with the "This is my son. He's unemployed" comment that time? :)

Chris- Peed in the closet thinking it was the bathroom... Wow, now THAT had to be a serious wake-up call for you in the morning. "Honey, why do all my suits smell like urine? We need to get a new dry-cleaners."

And I will never look at Neosporin the same.

meandtheblueskies said...

Ahh Coffee. I am forced to drink decaf or half caff as I need to restrict my caffeine intake. Stinks, doesn't it? Have you ever gotten into your car and headed off to work only to realize that you were not going to work but to the mall, which is 20 minutes in the opposite direction?

Jenn Thorson said...

MeandtheBlueSkies- Oh, half-caff... not the same, is it? I can't say I ended up at the mall instead of work (wishful thinking for a well-earned day off perhaps?) but I have been driving to work and wondered how I got there, having zoned out for the entire trip.

MzHartz said...

meandtheblueskies I've done that before. I also sometimes take my husband to work, and I've taken him to my work before. But usually, I drive to work when I mean to go somewhere else.

Earlier this year I had to have an allergy test and tested positive for a coffee allergy. I had to be without coffee for 3 weeks!!

I've done most of the typical sans-coffee stuff, like putting the whole beans in the percolator and putting the grinder in the pot of water. Or pouring milk into a plate. And who hasn't put the cereal in the fridge and the milk in the cupboard?

DouglasDyer said...

One of the wisest things ever told to me was, "Never live more than five minutes from your phlebotomist."

Jenn Thorson said...

MzHartz- Coffee ALLERGY? Oh, you poor thing... that just ain't right! Do you still get to drink any?

And oh, yes, putting things where they don't belong in the house-- I did put creamer in my cupboard once. I have also poured myself a nice bowl of... cola.

Douglas- I'll try to keep that nugget of wisdom in mind. :)

Da Old Man said...

Actually, 2 of them became Mrs. Crotchety anyway. But we stopped going to movies.

Quirkyloon said...

OMGawsh! I almost wish I hadn't read this post!

I had one planned about veins and needles for tomorrow!

Ack!

I promise I wrote it BEFORE reading your post.

Yours is very funny, as usual! *smile*

I'll have to rethink posting mine!

babs said...

Things have done when tired:

Asked the question: What time is the midnight mass?

Poured orange juice on cereal.

Said something I shouldn't have said.

It usually takes me about two hours before am fully functional.

Jenn Thorson said...

Quirky- Oh, no worries-- I'm sure you're taking the topic on a very different angle, and it will be very funny for it!

Plus, I don't think based on who's in the comments, your readers and mine seem to be necessarily all the same people-- so I bet no one will be concerned about it. Post away!

Babs- I like "what time is the midnight mass?" I can imagine the look on Mo's or someone else's face after that one. :)

Skye said...

Most of what I've done has already been said, but there are 2 that I'll mention.

One is put my cup of coffee in the fridge and then turn the microwave on to warm it up. Then when I got my cup out of the fridge, I couldn't understand why it was colder than when I put it in. After all, the microwave went through it's thing and it beeped, it should have been warm! (That happened after I came home from the vampires to be honest!)

The other one has to do with answering the phone. My mom had called me early christmas morning to wish me a merry christmas, but she woke me up. I answered the phone with "Sorry I'm not awake to answer the phone, please leave a message after the beep." and then just stayed quiet. I could hear her breathing on the other end, but she never did say anything. She must have waited about 30 seconds for the beep and when there was none just hung up.

Jenn Thorson said...

Skye- Oh that last one is priceless-- Did you even remember saying the "sorry, I'm not awake" line? :)

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Hey!! I thought I was the only one who felt this way!! I don't care about blood, gore and needles, but the lack of coffee...fuhgeddaboutit.

Jaffer said...

I laughed out loud at the very first line Jenn.

Once a colleague came into our office - exhausted an tired. She said she had a blood-work appointment that morning.
And she just stopped there - without telling us the why and how.

So Craig, after a few moments of deep thinking stated, "So... you had yer piriud this mornin..."

Jenn Thorson said...

Mary- The coffee IS life's blood! :)

Jaffer- G-ah! The woman didn't answer, talking about why and how because she hadn't had coffee and forgot how to speak. It's that simple!

Skye said...

No Jenn, I don't actually remember it, I just remember the dead air on the phone and a click. Later on, when I'd been awake for a while and had a couple of cups of coffee, I noticed that there had been a caller. So I checked it out, saw it was my mother, called her back and that's when she told me what I'd said. Oh I laughed till I cried and then I laughed some more till my sides hurt! :))

Jaffer said...

Well, sorrrie if you didn't like it ! But the look on her face was priceless !

Then we all laughed.

jay said...

Ha! I can do strange and unaccountable things when I'm NOT tired ... not that that happens very often.

I think probably the most amusing (for everyone but me and the dog) was when I tried to take my first greyhound out for a walk and got a hundred yards up the road before I found I was alone, just carrying a collar and lead. Poor dog was standing metaphorically scratching his head just inside the front door, when I got home.

LOL!

Jenn Thorson said...

Skye- Oh, that's entirely too funny. At least your mom got a good laugh out of it.

Jaffer- Oh, I can imagine if she weren't awake initially, that woke her right up! :)

Jay- Heh, going for walkies without the key ingredient. I can see, actually, how that could happen.

Skye said...

Oh Jenn, you misunderstand me. I hadn't said that my mom laughed, no she was actually quite offended and ended up hanging up on me cause I was laughing so hard. Mom has no sense of humor what-so-ever, and dad had to explain why it was funny and she still didn't get it.

Jenn Thorson said...

Skye- Oh, gosh-- yes, I just re-read that and see now where I went awry. At least your dad got the joke, even if he had to interpret it. :)

Skye said...

I think dad's interpreting the joke and explaining it was the best part. Oh yes, he laughed over it ever bit as much as I did, if not more. He got to see mom's consternation (is that the word I'm looking for?) over the whole thing, not to mention her anger at me when I phoned her back. Yep, all in all it was a good day, for me and dad anyway ;)

Jenn Thorson said...

Skye- I'm glad you had your dad as interpreter. I know what you mean about the mom sometimes not having a sense of humor... The more I thought about it, the more I thought how my mother would have been really angry and offended if I'd pretended to be an answering machine on her. :) Half asleep or no.