From Novel to Nostril: Book-Inspired Fragrances

Paris... Gwyneth... J.Lo... Sarah Jessica... Every celeb worth her weight in Manolo shoes has her name emblazoned across a bottle of high-priced stinkum. So how come our best-selling novelists have been left behind in the world of fragrance immortality?

Well, no more! Now five popular penners have gone from author to odor. And once you smell the book, you might never take your nose out of it again!

  • Stephen King's Misery. A backwoods blend of pork, painkillers, and mountain pines, this is the scent that knocks 'em off their feet and totally incapacitates them. Accept no oogy, caca-doody knockoffs! Also in the Stephen King line of fragrances is Desperation, a hot dry scent of desolate canyon roads, plague and gun oil. Haven't you always wanted to smell of Misery and Desperation? Now's your chance.
  • Terry McMillan's Groove. This rich, heady fragrance combines musk with overtones of fruity tropical drinks, sea salt, and the pheromones of men half your age. Once you use your first bottle of Groove, you'll want to get your Groove back again and again. Stellar!
  • Dan Brown's Conspiracy. This bewilderingly complex scent is designed to continually keep 'em guessing. A mixture of Renaissance turps, gold, frankincense, myrrh, incense and Holy Water, plus 30 other mystery aromas as a part of its secret formula, Conspiracy entrances, beguiles and is almost impossible to follow. Get caught up in it today!
  • V.C. Andrews' Faded Flowers. This light scent evokes the feeling of decades-old pressed corsages and ancient shawls, musty attics and sweet, arsenic-filled donuts. Give it to your girlfriend. Or your sister. Or your sister-girlfriend, if you don't get out much in the world.
  • Michael Crichton's Caught in Amber. Get lost in this fragrance, a seductive mixture of Jurassic jungle flowers, mosquito blood and the breath of giant scaly reptiles. The aroma transports, lingers, chases, and might just make the object of your desire scream. Comes in unique Raptor Egg packaging, too!

I'm sure as rabid readers, you all are just as excited about these new fragrances as I am!

And if you've heard of any additional perfumes based on our most beloved authors, I'd love to know about them. Me, I smell of Desperation already!



Walter said...

It seems you neglected Stephen Kings bestselling scent: The Gunslinger. Hot and dry like a desert, thick and heavy like whiskey, an powerful like gun powder. Actually, it's just smells like warm whiskey and gun powder.

Jenn Thorson said...

Walter- Ah, yes... The Gunslinger men's cologne-- I hear it's a great hit so far. Kinda like a shotgun shell. :)

Anonymous said...

How about Charles Dickens' Poverty - dirt, oil, blood and cabbage, it's scent makes others fell sorry for you.

Or Donald Trumps' Victory - smells like money and power and has the ability to make beautiful women see past your looks and ego and love you anyway.

Shawn said...

I recently sampled Stephanie Meyers' Hack, which smells like lottery tickets and soul selling.

Jenn Thorson said...

FreetheUnicorns- Ah, yes-- "Poverty" has that terrific gritty post-industrial scent, with just a touch of Ye Olde England smog. And I hear Trump's "Victory" has become very popular since the recession.

Shawn- I understand "Hack" doesn't have a very long-lasting fragrance. It's there and it just seems to evaporate away pretty quickly. :)

ettarose said...

Jenn, those are some fragrances. I just know you have hit on something here and if the Authors don't beat down your door I will be surprised.

Jenn Thorson said...

EttaRose- Let's just hope when they beat down my door they don't have any billy clubs or tire irons or anything. :) I bruise easily.

nipsy said...

Love it.. I'm more of a Kathy Reichs fan myself. I mean, who doesn't want to smell of your local county morgue?

Jenn Thorson said...

Nipsy- Ah, yes-- "Bottled Bones." It has just the right amount of formaldehyde to give it some kick, and make the wearer truly memorable.

Chris @ Maugeritaville said...

Great concept! Can I play?

John Steinbeck's "Tell Me About the Rabbits" - a scent of rabbit fur, sweat, and dead mouse.

Harper Lee's "Boo": Spearmint gum and musty courthouse blended together into a Jem of a fragrance.

Da Old Man said...

Tom Clancy's "Espionage."

It smells like a Red October morning.
Or really, really old Old Spice.

ReformingGeek said...

Awesome idea! Can you just imagine what "Little House on the Prairie" would smell like? It's a small house and they a week or something.

Jenn Thorson said...

Oh, you guys are so good!!

Chris- Excellent choices!... And 100 extra points for the Jem pun. :)

Da Old Man- NIIICE! Probably has a vague undertone of a long-enclosed sub and vodka.

ReformingGeek- Ah, yes. "Prairie" smells of sod houses, cows, locust plague and unwashed gingham.

babs said...

What about Toni Morrison's Jazz? Which might not work since it sounds too legitimate.

LOL on the Prairie one. And horses and scarlet fever. If I remember my LIW books correctly.

LiLu said...

Oh, I already have the "Misery." Raccoons and squirrels have been following me around, but I'm pretty sure that's normal.

Jenn Thorson said...

Babs- Heh, yes, it does sound pretty legit, doesn't it? Oprah may be talking about it soon in her book club! :)

LiLu- Just keep an eye out for any that are frothing at the mouth... If so, that means you're probably wearing "Cujo" instead of "Misery."

Ann's Rants said...

So creative. Love it.

Jenn Thorson said...

Ann- Hey, thanks for stopping by! :)

Chaotically Calm said...

Hola always such a creative funny piece. Not to mention you have a fragrance from my all time favorite author, Toni Morrison. If I were to add a scent why not The Crucible by Arthur Miller a touch of witch hazel, holy water and wild flowers from Barbados.

JD at I Do Things said...

Mmmm . . . arsenic-filled donuts. Also, heh: "Stellar"!

Jenn Thorson said...

Faith- Hola, chica! Ah, glad we have you covered with the Toni Morrison fragrance!

And we thank you for The Crucible-- Arthur Miller will be really excited to be included... Well, would be if it weren't for the deadness and all.

J.D.- Heh, see now it was totally worth it to add the "stellar" there. :) I'd been debating.

Meredith @ thinkthinks said...

I think I'll have to pick me up a bottle of Faded Flowers! Yum arsenic doughnuts.

How about Fahrenheit 4711? - fresh sandalwood and citrus tones with a top note of burning paper.

Shaay said...

Er... I know, I'm a geek for mentioning it, but the marvelous book How Stella Got Her Groove Back was written by Terry McMillan. It's a little light in tone for Ms. Morrison, though I think both authors are wonderful.

I'm really enjoying your humor blog! You make me smile, and I like that in a person. Thanks for putting some good stuff out there.


Jenn Thorson said...

Meredith- Don't you love the smell of arsenic donuts in the morning-- that vague almond scent? :)

Shaay- No, you're not a geek at all-- thank you! I'll correct it. The problem with having wrong information lodged in my head, is that unless I notice it's wrong, proofing it a thousand times makes no difference. :)

You're a good egg to have let me know, and have made me smile, too.