Stealth... Subtlety... And surveillance technology. This is the style-- the secret passion-- of today's Deer-American population.
Yet, most humans are unaware of the rich lives these deer lead along our nation's highways... in our forests... in our very own backyards. Many are unaware how they put our personal privacy at risk.
Today, in an Of Cabbages and Kings' Very Special Report, we'll expose the dark, disturbing world of DoeTube and its fans. This is a forest of organized thrill-seeking and black humor, pandering to the sickest side of human-deer relations, where the competition for the best digital material is as stiff as a buck on the bumper...
But where the lulz are on us.
Little did we suspect these deer aren't the innocent little creatures we thought they were. The cute ear-twitching we see in that graceful fawn in our backyard? Bugs, yes-- but state-of-the-art inner-ear audio and video recording equipment... Barely visible to the naked eye.
Eating the heads off all of our bulb plants in the backyard?... Not the random hunger of one of our wildlife friends, but munchies while on a lengthy stake-out of your home, waiting for you to bring DoeTube the funny.
The deers' very existence has been so traditionally innocuous, it gives them a terrifyingly unexpected advantage. They catch us in our most private moments. Rendezvous stolen in Lovers' Lanes... Drunk hunters falling out of tree stands and shooting their buddies.... Drivers weaving down backroads while on the cellphone, putting on lipstick and driving with the knees...
They see into our hearts, our minds, our souls, and also the windows of our B&Bs while we're coming out of the shower naked...
"Oh, but it's okay, it's just a deer..."
Ah, but is it? Is it really?
Or maybe it's footage in the making for DoeTube's sinister snickering. The three minute film that helps these great racked fiends rack-up points among their peers.
Says one DoeTube member who prefers to remain anonymous, "People think we just spend our days gamboling around the meadows and hanging out with rabbits. But it's all I can do to keep from bursting out laughing when half-wit humans spot me, and coo and whisper like they're having some meaningful spiritual connection with nature. I made a highly-rated montage of it...
"I also have some good footage of 12 soused rednecks accidentally shooting each other in their tails. It won a Bambi award, DoeTube's highest honor."
Of course, this hobby of theirs is not without its share of dangers. More than one pitch-black chase scene has resulted in an violent end of twisted metal and sacrifice. Deer in headlights? Yes. But only because they got caught in the middle of filming.
The pastime has its price.
I hope as a result of this report, readers of Of Cabbages and Kings have gained a better understanding of the furry white underbelly of mockery, sarcasm and rage that bounds within the wild kingdom.
But take hart. The key to prevention is awareness. Remember, by keeping your eyes peeled for these miscreants of the meadows, you can help prevent one more human from being the butt of yet another buck's jokes.
You can help keep the stag at bay.
I hope those of you who have been victims of this growing subculture will share your stories here with us today. So those who have been violated by Doetube's practices can gain a sense of community and closure. And by banding together, we can generate even more awareness for this breach in personal privacy rights.
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20 comments:
There must be hundreds of clips of me on Doetube! Thank God I moved to London. These days I'm probably on Pigeontube - I'm the one ducking and screaming "flying rats, flying raaaaats!".
Hi. My name is Kathy and I have been violated. Some of my readers have told me they saw that deer posting shots of my nakedness on the interwebs, but they never give me the link. I'm afraid. What should I do?
Anna- Fortunately the pigeons aren't very smart-- their technology is poor, their footage shaky, and their service is prone to outages because it's hooked up so badly. So you should be in better shape where you are now.
Kathy- I think it's better not to raise a big stink with them over this as, like trolls, these deer get carried away trying to up each other for the LULZ. I would hate for them to begin something like LOLKathy as a result of your standing up for yourself.
If we can identify them, however, we may be able to collect info for a suit.
Have you ever read the comments on a DoeTube video? They're surprisingly lucid, thoughtful, and well reasoned.
Shawn- It is odd, isn't it? Though it's possible that the comments are just dripping with sarcasm and they're all snickering behind their hooves.
Or perhaps, they just have a really good admin.
I'm glad you exposed them. I saw three of those creatures in the middle of the street yesterday. I had just put my vibrator away. Phew! That was a close one.
;-)
At least it's not being posted on the sheep's version, EweTube. That stuff is BAAAAAAAD.
ReformingGeek- Yes, it was a narrow miss with the deer, but now, the postman, HE says...
Chris- Ah, yes. EweTube is more like regular social media... Flock mentality.
Why you are surprised by this puzzles me. For years, it's been well known that deer are the perverts of the forest. It was just a matter of time until they developed the technology to produce their own videos.
If they had opposable thumbs, it would have happened years sooner.
Da Old Man- Well, I just wish this info had been shared more liberally amongs friends, prior to incidents like the victimization poor Kathy faced above.
I can see where the hooves would have been a hindrance, though.
I think you're besmirching the reputation of deer in our fine town, and I for one won't stand for it. That's why I'm sitting down reading this and good thing I am.
RamblerDude- Even deer need hobbies. :) And don't think YOU'RE not heavily featured on DoeTube, either....
I would like to add the evil bunny rabbit to our list of dangerous, annoying predators.
Wrapped up in their cute little bunny suits, they destroy gardens, then turn around and flash that darn cotton tail as they hippity-hop away.
Dang wabbits.
Jen, I am a little worried. I see scads of deer on my way to work. Given the fact that it is late at night when I am driving scares me even more. The worst thing is the albino deer I see quite frequently, just standing silently watching, just watching.
The Mother- And don't for one minute think those wabbits don't know what they're doing when they do that. It's the real life equivalent of Bugs Bunny smooching you up and proclaiming is love for you, then pulling your hunting cap over your face.
Ettarose- (snicker) Ahem, well, perhaps, Ettarose, you might want to take a day and document their activities in case you need evidence later. That albino deer maybe be Whitey Sinclair, very big on the DoeTube circuit.
Better to keep a wary eye.
I like to play a trick on the dear where I put up a big projector in my yard that is connected to my camera filming them, so they think they're really filming me when I'm in turn filming them filming me of them filming me. Who's the smart one now! ;)
RaBT- :) It's good to keep 'em on their hooves like that. Keep 'em guessing.
I can just see the other deer on DoeTube... "Awww, Ralph! AGAIN you ended up filming the film of YOU?... No, no... don't explain. Talk to the cloven foot."
I know I've learned one thing -- you are off your rocker, girl. I think that fresh country air did something to your brain.
What? No, I don't have a deer standing behind me with a gun to my back. Why?
Lisa- Heh, yes, I am definitely sans-rocker. But I'm happy. :)
I actually blame Kathy for this one, though. She spurred on the peeping deer theme, what with her being violated and all.
"The key to prevention is awareness."
The key to prevention is a well-placed bullet."
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