SlapChop Breaks Hearts and, Well, Itself


Oh Vince... I thought we knew ya. I thought that you, our fast-talking, gleaming beacon to kitchen convenience had our best interests at heart.

I assured my friends the quick, misleading cuts of the camera were only because the camera guy didn't load enough film.

I felt, deep in my soul, our garlic would peel itself...

Our salsa would say olé!...

I thought for certain we would "love your nuts."

But alas!

"The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar
which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope
never entirely removes."

-Thomas Hardy

Thomas Hardy must have beta tested an early SlapChop prototype.

Yes, Yvonne Zanos, consumer reporter for KDKA here in Pittsburgh, tested the SlapChop yesterday on her "Does it Really Do That?" segment. And found that not only were Vince's promises of unskinned chopping ease but pretty words to the ears... The blade guard broke into dangerous shards hidden in the food...



...Like tiny knives to one's infomercial innocence.

What happened, Vince?

Ah, but we know the answer, don't we?

It all started with Flo, the effervescent Progressive Insurance salesgirl with the big, tricked-out nametag. She broke things off with Vince in order to see Charles Dyson, the king of cyclonic suction action.


Then Vince was left with loneliness, some inner rage, and an unpleasant little incident involving a lady of the evening which made it into the police files.


Now Flo has moved on, having fallen big for the lead singer of the FreeCreditReport.com ads. She has a thing for musicians...


Somehow I don't think it's going to last.

But Vince... Vince is left with ink-stained fingers, a minced heart, and a SlapChop that chips off little bits of plastic into our foods.

So someone has to say it: it's time to cut your losses, Vince-- but a bit more sharply than the SlapChop chops unskinned tomatoes.

Yes, it's time to pick up those broken pieces of your heart-- and the jagged shards of the SlapChop plastic blade guard-- and move on.

Your inner pain is now beginning to affect us all.

I hear the Snuggie could use a plug man.

-----------------------------------------
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24 comments:

Melanie said...

LOL! Poor Vince. Maybe if he'd just toned it down a bit, Flo would still be with him. No woman likes to be out-shone by her man.

Jenn Thorson said...

Melanie- You may have something there. I can just see him launching into a pitch for plans for their next date, right in the middle of one of her anecdotes.

Couldn't go over well.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I could be a spokesperson for the Snuggie, or the Slanket. Love that thing, although it does look rather strange...

But then, so does Vince.

Jenn Thorson said...

Mary- Slanket?! HOW have I missed something called the "Slanket"??

I feel the need to check this out.

And you're right. Vince always reminds me of some 40s Dick Tracy character, for some reason. The voice, the smile...

Shawn said...

Vince will only be able to replace the love in his heart with more love. Chasing further endorsement deals will only prolong the pain.

You know who would be a good catch? The smoking grandmother from the Magic Bullet infomercial. She...is...saucy.

Jenn Thorson said...

Shawn- I think it might depend on how Vince feels about Golden Oldies.

I'll have to think about who we could set him up with. :)

Chris said...

Looks like ol' Vince could use a ShamWow to clean up his face.

I had no idea Vince was so versatile . . . I've only seen him in the ShamWow ads. "You know the Germans always make good stuff."

Jenn Thorson said...

Chris- Ah, yes, there's a whole added world of Vince-ness... Vince-ocity... whatever... in his SlapChop product. Just wait-- you'll stumble across it eventually. :)

And yes, Vince did have a bit of schmutz on the ol' mug, didn't he?

chyna said...

Is it me or does Vince look less scary beat to crap then he does in his infomercials? Though it does look like his eye brow quirk has now moved to his mouth. Somebody likes it rough!

Jenn Thorson said...

Chyna- Hey- yes, I noticed that too! The eyes are now the same size, but the mouth has gone rightward. He also looks vaguely amused by the whole situation.

Maybe he sold a few SlapChops during his booking.

Jen said...

I'm so glad that Flo kicked Vince to the curb. They just weren't right for each other.

Da Old Man said...

Hasn't Vince been through so much this year?

Makes me want to buy a Shamwow and a Slap Chop just to try to put a smile on his face.

Jenn Thorson said...

Jen- I think Flo will be happy to know you support her.

Da Old Man- It's definitely been rough for him. It was bad enough when his b-movies didn't take off. Now his products are falling apart during use. Too much slap... not enough chop.

Mikes said...

the pictures and comments/captions are really cute and funny! i too cry when i cut onions!

Tiggy said...

The SlapChop isn't quite the wonder gadget we thought? How dare those evil hussies give it a bad report! They must have been using it wrong. Yes, that's what it was. Vince would never lie to us...

John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer said...

You mean a "convenience" product "as seen on TV" actually failed and is a piece of crap?

Get out!

Charlie said...

All of these infomercial pitchers are hooking up together, and nobody's getting a piece of the Enzyte guy?

Poor Bob. Poor shrunken little frowny-faced Bob.

nonamedufus said...

I think Joan Rivers is looking for a partner to schlep her jewelry.

P.S. You're the only one I know who quotes the Hardy Boys!

Jenn Thorson said...

Mikes- Then maybe the SlapChop is for you! :)

Tiggy- That must be it! You're right! I can't believe I ever doubted Vince! I feel so... dirty.

John- See Tiggy's comment above-- perhaps the whole thing was rigged for failure-- that HAS to be it. :)

Charlie- Ah, yes-- Smilin' Bob's not so smilin' anymore. Lonely, lonely Bob...

NoNameDufus- Sure, Thomas Hardy is the lesser-known third Hardy boy who never made it into the book series, as he was off at college.

Shieldmaiden96 said...

Feh, the Pampered Chef one works okay. I've had it for years. 'Course, if I chop my onions the way Rachael Ray taught me, I don't have to get it out, or clean all its 2000 parts.

As for the Snuggie, it already has a spokesman. His name is Father Muskrat. No one could sell more of those than he. Perhaps not for the right reasons. But still.

Jenn Thorson said...

ShieldMaiden- I wasn't aware Father Muskrat was a Snuggie officianado!

kdawg68 said...

I lost all respect for Vince when it was revealed he wanted to kiss his, errr, partner.

"No,silly, hookers aren't for kissing! You're doing it wrong! Here, you watching this camera guy? This is how it's done."

Jenn Thorson said...

Hey, KDawg- How ya doing! Long time!! See, I think my theory explains his behavior. He's a destroyed man because of the loss of Flo. He's lonely and not thinking clearly. :)

Funny Videos said...

Very Amusing & Funny