"Pirate office pranks." That was a search term used to reach Cabbages. And so, not sure just what that would entail, I decided to enlist the help of-- nooo, not of one of these newfangled Somali pirates causing all the recent ruckus-- but a real 17th century pirate.
A pirate known for his whimsical nature, duplicitous plans, slurring speech, quick wit with a one-liner, and dashing (if somewhat unhygienic) good looks...
Only he was totally booked solid for a hanging.
So instead, I grabbed the first filthy, toothless seadog with a hat plume I could find.
With that, please welcome Cap'n Tom "Where's Me Orange Gone?" Scurvvy. Take it away, Cap'n Tom!...
Thank yer. Here on the Faithless Wench, we needs the occasional pranke te keeps the crew's morale up. An' so here are some o' me favorite shipboard prankes o'er the years...
Why, I remember the time Dodgy Joe replaced the metal anchor with a well-carved wooden one. So when I shouts "weigh anchor," ol' Stinky Smith lifts too high and went straight te Davy Jones' Locker...
We miss ol' Stinky, we do. Could play the accordian like a 12-fingered angel. But we has to wonder, what dry-rotted brain applies fer a sailing job when he don't swims? I ask ye.
Then there was when we steals Mad Andy's pegleg while he was sleeping like a babe, an' we infestes it with termites. Aye, ya never seen a man running about so crazed. Says he woke up te the sounds o' infernal chewin' and couldn't get it out o' his head all the day through. The men and me, o' course, told him we heard not a sound. I guess Mad Andy saw something was amiss by noon when one leg was more'n a mite shorter than the udder.
Ah, hows we laughs and laughs o' that one!
And the day Squinky-Eye Tucker exchanged Harry Hook's hook-hand for a soup ladle? He went to scratche his nether-regions and was in fer such a surprise, he was! The soup tasted a tad funny that night, I recall.
Or what of the day Nimble Tim, he climbes up the mast and exchanges yon Jolly Roger for a sampler o' a bright yellow smiling circle with the words, "Hug Me" stiched inta it? Why, we must o' been flyin' them colors for days...
No wonders Cap'n Gregory Greybeard was laughing so hard when we rans into him and his crew off the coast!
But me favorite joke on me mates was when I gots me some rotting meat and I attaches it to me face like so, and pretends to come down with a case o' the leprosy...
Ye should have been to see the looks 'o fear on theire faces!... Scrambling about and a-wailing like wee moppets, aye! Blind Pete soils himselves, and Nervous Nick leaps off port-side, only t'get eaten by sharkes.
Three o'the men decides then to mutiny, saying "Ye's not right in the head te commande." But then I reveals te them, "Looke, it's just a bit o' rotten meat, see?" And we laughs an' laughs.
O' course, I still made 'em walk the planke fer the mutiny. Can't be too careful, aye.
Is there anything else ye want t'knowe, lassie? Like me to show ya me cannon?
Erm, so thank you, Cap'n Tom Scurvvy-- and there we have it, good Google visitor! There are the answers to the kinds of pranks pirates do during a slow day at the office.
At Cabbages, we are only here to serve.