SlapChop Breaks Hearts and, Well, Itself

Oh Vince... I thought we knew ya. I thought that you, our fast-talking, gleaming beacon to kitchen convenience had our best interests at heart.

I assured my friends the quick, misleading cuts of the camera were only because the camera guy didn't load enough film.

I felt, deep in my soul, our garlic would peel itself...

Our salsa would say olé!...

I thought for certain we would "love your nuts."

But alas!

"The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar
which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope
never entirely removes."

-Thomas Hardy

Thomas Hardy must have beta tested an early SlapChop prototype.

Yes, Yvonne Zanos, consumer reporter for KDKA here in Pittsburgh, tested the SlapChop yesterday on her "Does it Really Do That?" segment. And found that not only were Vince's promises of unskinned chopping ease but pretty words to the ears... The blade guard broke into dangerous shards hidden in the food...



...Like tiny knives to one's infomercial innocence.

What happened, Vince?

Ah, but we know the answer, don't we?

It all started with Flo, the effervescent Progressive Insurance salesgirl with the big, tricked-out nametag. She broke things off with Vince in order to see Charles Dyson, the king of cyclonic suction action.


Then Vince was left with loneliness, some inner rage, and an unpleasant little incident involving a lady of the evening which made it into the police files.


Now Flo has moved on, having fallen big for the lead singer of the FreeCreditReport.com ads. She has a thing for musicians...


Somehow I don't think it's going to last.

But Vince... Vince is left with ink-stained fingers, a minced heart, and a SlapChop that chips off little bits of plastic into our foods.

So someone has to say it: it's time to cut your losses, Vince-- but a bit more sharply than the SlapChop chops unskinned tomatoes.

Yes, it's time to pick up those broken pieces of your heart-- and the jagged shards of the SlapChop plastic blade guard-- and move on.

Your inner pain is now beginning to affect us all.

I hear the Snuggie could use a plug man.

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Heat Surge Inspires Rogue Amish, Plus Vince Moonlights from ShamWow

Fans of the absurd... the surprising... the "what the holy heck fer cryin' out loud is that about?"... would do well to take note of the recent wave of commercials hitting television this new year.

It's a Wonderland of Weirdness for one low price!... (Plus enough shipping and handling charges to pay for college tuition.)

Let's start with my personal favorite: the Heat Surge Fireplace, specially hand-crafted by our good neighbors, the trustworthy Amish...

The Heat Surge electric fireplace.

Amish...

Electric....

Hm.

But look!-- beautiful Amish-built frames in your choice of wood tones, surrounding a gorgeous, cost-efficient, warming electric fire!

"How do the Amish do it?" the commercial asks us excitedly. "They're not telling!"

Well, of course they're not telling... What with the main selling point of the Amish lifestyle being that whole "no technology, no electricity" sort of thing.

Either, we've got some unique sect of Rogue Amish out there-- driving around in shiny Porsches, enjoying their flatscreen TVs and learning the electronics trade in between barn-raisings...

Or...

They're in charge of fireplace wooden frame-making and have absolutely nothing to do with the assembly of the Heat Surge. Assembly, I might add, going on in the background of this rather startling commercial.

I can just see it now: "Do you want us to put something in this box?" asks Jacob Farmer, Amish Fine Craftsman, brushing off the sawdust from his latest creation. "We can do you up some nice drawers for it? Or a good place to store your potatoes?"

"No, no. Just the frame is fine. Here's your $3."

But as the commercial continued, I was educated with one more surprising fact about this tried-and-true society-- the unexpected racial diversity that seems to have crept into Amish culture!

"Is that Amish Craftsman... black?"

Well, I became distracted from that puzzlement, because the Heat Surge commercial was followed quickly by an ad for "the Snuggie." It's the latest innovation in Personal Warmth Technology!

Okay, it's a blanket with arms... Or a long, fleecy hospital gown, depending on how you think of it... Or, well, something nice to wear to your next Druidic Henge Raising.


Yes, for those nights where you're up reading with your bare arms out over the covers-- there's no need to deal with the slipping and sliding of willful traditional blankets. Now there's a solution for that evening chill. Just slip your arms through the arms of the Snuggie, and say goodbye to the cold of Old Man Winter!

Or just wear something with sleeves to bed.

I also noticed Vince of ShamWow! fame seems to have turned from his ShamWow! roots and is now advertising for something called "SlapChop." Fans of Vince can rest-assured he is still using his patented line, "Now, we can't do this all day," to show us the urgency of ordering a product that will be run 50 times a day on stations across the country for the next six months.

But he seems a quieter, calmer Vince somehow. Less like squinky-eyed Dick Tracy character, and more the reassuring purveyor of Minced Veg Necessity.

I feel he's hiding a secret sorrow.

Perhaps on the heels of a painful break-up with "Flo," the perky Progressive Insurance sales girl, Vince has had to rethink his life. Is hocking super-absorbent shammy cloths made in Germany enough, without someone to soak up those spills with?

Is there any point to dicing your own salsa if there's no one to share the tortilla chips?

What if no one out there will ever really "love his nuts"?


Yes, Flo is off on a tropical vacation with the Dyson Vacuum spokesman. One of those whirlwind romances she insists won't lose suction, but we all know it will eventually.

While Vince-- alas, poor Vince!-- he must use the ShamWows! to soak up his copious tears. It's lucky they're so gosh-darned absorbent. (sniff!)

Hang in there, Vince. We're pullin' for ya!

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