The Zombie Chicken Award came into my hands thanks to Babs Beetle the other day. (Thank you, Babs!) And ever since, I've been thinking about fowl of the undead variety.
You see, I'd always expected a human-based zombie apocalypse. But, after doing a bit of research, I see how under-prepared I've been for the condition to spread to our feathered friends!
It's time to get cracking with a whole new gameplan.
Now, chickens by nature are not very bright. I mean, they can drown in a rainstorm. So, according to scientists at the Kalamazoo Institute for Non-Sentient Undead Studies, Pullet Division, it is believed that when chickens experience zombification:
The article goes on to suggest the more subtle signs of chicken zombification may include:
"Little discernible difference in their speed, manner or problem-solving abilities should be expected, beyond sudden insatiable bloodlust and perhaps a heightened flock instinct." ("No Harm No Fowl: Probable Behaviors of Undead Gallus Domesticus, A Hypothesis." Journal of Non-Sentient Undead Research. 2009. 12:47.)
- Low, moaning cluck
- Circles under eyes
- Disinterest in feed
- Sudden appearance of significant teeth
- Decomposition of skin on comb and feet
- Bloody beak
- Mysterious bite marks in barnyard pets and free-range livestock
- Heavy boots or wellies
- Electric carving knife
- Hand net
- Pressure cooker
- Step One: Practice with electric carving knife. This should be battery-operated, for maximum mobility. You will use it for beheading. Note: zombie chickens are likely to come at you en masse, so you will wish to employ a low sweeping motion over the offending flock as a part of your defensive techniques. Don't forget to have spare batteries on hand. (Added note: if zombification spreads to pigs, use chainsaw using "spiral slice" motion.)
- Step Two: Suit up with heavy boots. Combat boots or Wellies should serve well for this type of zombie situation. Remember, unlike a standard zombie plague, your adversaries in an undead chicken outbreak are low to the ground and are more inclined to go for the area between the ankle and shin. Dress accordingly.
- Step Three: Don't forget the net. A good net with a nice, strong handle could be the difference between you and an unwanted zombie peck to the cheek. While chickens under normal circumstances cannot fly distance, they can get some height in flight. So a nice sweep of the net can help keep our peckish pullets out of the air, and out of your hair.
- Step Four: Purchase and learn to operate a flame thrower. While beheading standard zombies is usually enough to kill your average human-based zombie, even healthy chickens can operate at length without their heads. That is why it may be necessary to follow your carving knife technique with a good roasting. Note: contents contaminated and not finger-lickin' good. Do not consume.
- Step Five: Under Pressure? Use the Pressure Cooker. Today's pressure cooker represents an ideal cook-and-contain tool for your most stressful zombie chicken situations. By using a simple scoop-and-dump technique with the net, you'll be on your way to reducing your zombie chicken hoards in no time. And when the timer rings, you know your zombie foe is finished.
This is what I have learned to-date. And I hope you, my good readers, are feeling more up-to-scratch on how to properly prepare zombie chicken.
I would like to thank the Kalamazoo Institute for Non-Sentient Undead Studies, Pullet Division, for their kind assistance with today's post.