How to Prepare Zombie Chicken


The Zombie Chicken Award came into my hands thanks to Babs Beetle the other day. (Thank you, Babs!) And ever since, I've been thinking about fowl of the undead variety.

You see, I'd always expected a human-based zombie apocalypse. But, after doing a bit of research, I see how under-prepared I've been for the condition to spread to our feathered friends!

It's time to get cracking with a whole new gameplan.

Now, chickens by nature are not very bright. I mean, they can drown in a rainstorm. So, according to scientists at the Kalamazoo Institute for Non-Sentient Undead Studies, Pullet Division, it is believed that when chickens experience zombification:

"Little discernible difference in their speed, manner or problem-solving abilities should be expected, beyond sudden insatiable bloodlust and perhaps a heightened flock instinct." ("No Harm No Fowl: Probable Behaviors of Undead Gallus Domesticus, A Hypothesis." Journal of Non-Sentient Undead Research. 2009. 12:47.)
The article goes on to suggest the more subtle signs of chicken zombification may include:
  • Low, moaning cluck
  • Circles under eyes
  • Disinterest in feed
  • Sudden appearance of significant teeth
  • Decomposition of skin on comb and feet
  • Bloody beak
  • Mysterious bite marks in barnyard pets and free-range livestock
So-- how to prepare zombie chicken?

Ingredients:
  • Heavy boots or wellies
  • Flamethrower
  • Electric carving knife
  • Hand net
  • Pressure cooker

Preparation:
  • Step One: Practice with electric carving knife. This should be battery-operated, for maximum mobility. You will use it for beheading. Note: zombie chickens are likely to come at you en masse, so you will wish to employ a low sweeping motion over the offending flock as a part of your defensive techniques. Don't forget to have spare batteries on hand. (Added note: if zombification spreads to pigs, use chainsaw using "spiral slice" motion.)
  • Step Two: Suit up with heavy boots. Combat boots or Wellies should serve well for this type of zombie situation. Remember, unlike a standard zombie plague, your adversaries in an undead chicken outbreak are low to the ground and are more inclined to go for the area between the ankle and shin. Dress accordingly.
  • Step Three: Don't forget the net. A good net with a nice, strong handle could be the difference between you and an unwanted zombie peck to the cheek. While chickens under normal circumstances cannot fly distance, they can get some height in flight. So a nice sweep of the net can help keep our peckish pullets out of the air, and out of your hair.
  • Step Four: Purchase and learn to operate a flame thrower. While beheading standard zombies is usually enough to kill your average human-based zombie, even healthy chickens can operate at length without their heads. That is why it may be necessary to follow your carving knife technique with a good roasting. Note: contents contaminated and not finger-lickin' good. Do not consume.
  • Step Five: Under Pressure? Use the Pressure Cooker. Today's pressure cooker represents an ideal cook-and-contain tool for your most stressful zombie chicken situations. By using a simple scoop-and-dump technique with the net, you'll be on your way to reducing your zombie chicken hoards in no time. And when the timer rings, you know your zombie foe is finished.

This is what I have learned to-date. And I hope you, my good readers, are feeling more up-to-scratch on how to properly prepare zombie chicken.

I would like to thank the Kalamazoo Institute for Non-Sentient Undead Studies, Pullet Division, for their kind assistance with today's post.

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33 comments:

freetheunicorns said...

What kind of sides do you serve with zombie chicken?

Jenn Thorson said...

FreetheUnicorns- You serve a side of whoopass, with some dead-pudding for dessert! Yeeeeeeehaw!!

(Ahem, sorry-- I've had a lot of coffee.)

Chris said...

Zombie chicken goes well with undead peppers and reincarnated potatoes. As far as wine, go with a nice Goblin Chardonnay.

Jenn Thorson said...

Chris- I love the undead peppers, but I find the reincarnated potatoes always come back on me later. :)

Shawn said...

What do you do if you're attacked by an Abercrombie chicken?

Jenn Thorson said...

Shawn- Head to the restroom quickly, as that sherry-mushroom sauce can really stain.

Me-Me King said...

OMG!!! I knew it - one of my hens has been displaying rather odd behaviors lately - like showing her teeth with a low guttural moan. I'm off to the coop with flame thrower in hand.

Jenn Thorson said...

Margo- Margo, wait! The boots! Don't forget the boots!! Suit up first, woman!!!...

Drat.
She's gone.

Da Old Man said...

The flamethrower is really the only way to go. It defeathers, roasts, and kills in one action, saving lots of fuel and reducing your carbon footprint. This being Earth Day, it is the most environmentally friendly option. Ed Begley, Jr. would appreciate that.

During a Zombie Chicken Apocalypse, such worries may not be your first concern. That is why it is so important to be prepared.

Jenn Thorson said...

Da Old Man- I think I find Ed Begley Jr. scarier than zombie chickens... is that wrong? :)

JD at I Do Things said...

All I have to say is: People should be throwing money at you for stuff like this. These posts should be humor essays in a very popular book on sale NOW at Barnes & Noble. For money.

Jenn Thorson said...

JD- I think you may be overestimating the lure of the Cabbage. But, Old King Cole Slaw and I certainly appreciate your kind support. :)

Paotie said...

Awesome!

I also liked your comment in regards to sides served: whoopass.

Cool beans!

:o)

Paotie

DouglasDyer said...

I'm still mad at my grandmother for dying without writing down her zombie chicken salad recipe. I remember there were pecans and maybe a little lime dust.

Jenn Thorson said...

Paotie- Sometimes "whoopass" is just the word ya need. :)

Douglas- Ah, and what a shame... Taking the family zombie chicken recipe with her to the grave like that.

Well, you can always try resurrection or a good Ouija board to ask for details.

Quirkyloon said...

Hold the phone! There is a Zombie Chicken Award floating out there in the blogosphere?

And I have not been the recipient of it?

I don't understand. I'm zombie's number one fan.

I just don't get it.

Sigh.

Sob.

Oh yeah, congrats to you Jenn (it should've been ME).

Sigh.

heh heh

Jenn Thorson said...

Quirky- I tell ya what-- go ahead and pop the Zombie Chicken award on your blog.

I don't normally pass on awards simply because a lot of the folks I know don't like memes, and they will hate me.

But hey, who am I to stand between you and your zombie joy?

Zombie love is greater than blog protocol.

Enjoy.

Babs-beetle said...

Oh I definitely agree with JD! Every one is a winner!

Do you have any plaid clothes? Just checking ;O)

Jenn Thorson said...

Babs- Well, as soon as you told me about the award, it had my wheels turning-- I was grateful for the idea!!

And no- I try to keep the plaid and stripes far, far away from me and my person. :)

Quirkyloon said...

Besides the obvious fact that I totally guilted you into giving me that...(heh heh)

I graciously and humbly accept.

B.S. I lurve you forever now. LOL

Jenn Thorson said...

QL- I believe this must be that "quirky" bit we hear tell about round these here parts. :) PS-- The Zombie Chicken icon's on the Awards page off the top nav, if ya need it.

You know, this reminds me-- I wonder how Dead Rooster is doing? He seems to have disappeared. I hope he's not in a pressure cooker somewhere.

Margo said...

Glad to finally know what to do with mine. I've had him shut in the pantry for a couple of weeks now. He scared the heck out of me when I went to get my cheerios this am and he bared his teeth at me. I've always wanted to be a flamethrower!

Hindleyite said...

Oh, man! I love chicken. And zombies! Goes to reason that I should give this a try, eh?

Jenn Thorson said...

Margo- Did you use a table-knife to reflect under the door and see what he was up to? Oh, wait-- no, sorry, that was "Signs."

Make sure you've had proper flamethrower training prior to opening that door. You'll thank me later.

Hinleyite- Hope it works out for you, Harry Yakk! Sounds like lots of cheap eats. :)

Jen said...

This is where the new KFC Grilled chicken comes from I am sure. It certainly explains the horrible smell.

Drowsey Monkey said...

Hey! Don't eat the awards! Bad Karma!

Congrats! :)

Jenn Thorson said...

Jen- Ah, the pieces start to come together! (Of the puzzle, I mean, not the zombie chicken in a bucket).

Drowsey- Heh, sorry. You're right. It's probably full of saturated fats anyway, huh?

JD said...

i prefer General Tso's Zombie Chicken

ReformingGeek said...

Whoa! Back up the horse. Are these free-range zombie chickens?

Jenn Thorson said...

JD- Ah yes-- that's how General Tso kept the peace, you know... His zombie chicken minions.

Reforming Geek- Well, I think it applies equally to free-range zombie chickens as well as your more confined undead hens. I would just worry a bit more about containment for the free-range variety.

nonamedufus said...

This was extremely helpful. In the past, I would just jump a zombie chicken (any relation to psycho chicken?), wrap my hands around it's neck (do you see it coming) and pullet, pullet, pullet!

John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer said...

Great post.

Stumbled.

Jenn Thorson said...

NoNameDufus- Heh... Well, that technique might STILL apply here, but I would recommend heavy gloves for safety purposes.

JohnJ- Thanks muchly, John. You are an auctioneer and a gentleman. :)