Warning: May Cause Deadly Death

Imperfect skin? Or a deadly, painful, lung-rattling, wasting-away sort of Dickensian respiratory infection?

Looks like the marketing folks for one pharma product are hoping you'll choose that flawless, psoriasis-free complexion... y'know, while you cough up a lung onto the Bed-in-a-Bag and get last rites.

I saw the commercial for this psoriasis pill the other night while eating dinner. And it was the commercial's prominently-noted side-effect of tuberculosis that made me look up from my potpie.

Tuberculosis, fer Pete's sake!...

The big infection of historic novel and movie melodrama! Where a tragic supporting character bravely wastes away into nothingness. (Usually along with a nice gut-quaking, relentless cough and a possible Oscar nod.)

Now who wouldn't want that?

The commercial itself shows people removing their jackets to show their cheery liberation from the itching and scaling associated with the life-affecting skin condition.

Meanwhile, we hear a list of possible side effects that would make biochemical terrorists back away and say, "Geez, guys-- overkill much?"

Yup-- side effects like, oh... our buddy tuberculosis... plus skin cancers and lymphomas... allergic skin reactions... swelling and difficulty breathing... numbness... vision problems... a fever that doesn't go away... new or worsening heart failure... and a rash on the face and arms.

Now, let's think about this. You wear a lot of layers because you're embarrassed for people to see your skin.

So you take a pill to clear up the psoriasis and now, you not only have a risk of new, potentially death-flirty ailments...

But you also get three exciting different possibilities for marring the skin you're trying to clear up in the first place? Wow, sign me up!

Of course, this is nothing new, is it? I mean, how many products do we see out there that are designed to treat... oh... allergy symptoms. But the side effects cause sinus infections, nasal congestion and spontaneous combustion of the upper noggin region?

Or cholesterol products that make your heart jetpack for safer locales?

Or irritable bowel calmer-downers that cause violent stomach cramps, public contorionism and uncontrolled miming?

What I want to know is why the side effects are always so dreadful. I mean, just once I'd like, say, my blood pressure medication to have side effects like:

WARNING: May cause strong electro-static charge that draws in $100 bills

Or:

WARNING: May cause patients in service industry to radiate pheremones causing unnatural client aquiescence and mirth.

How about:

CAUTION: Use of this product may cause you to look totally rockin' for your 20th high school reunion

Or even:

WARNING: Patients may experience sudden understanding of what's going on in Heroes this season.

Something like that, I think I could get behind. I mean, it'd be good for us, the consumers, and it'd be a big seller for the pharma companies, too. Win-win!

In the meantime, though, I guess I'll just keep taking the ol' blood pressure meds as is. At least they don't cause TB.... Though, they do say they may cause baldness and finger-numbness in some patients.

But, hey, who actually sees a blogger, anyway? Hair is so totally over-rated! And my typing is still really accurtyuihnjkjkklfsdfdsds

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