The Save the Searchers Foundation- sniff, sob

At Of Cabbages and Kings, we aim to please. And as I look through my search engine referrers, I see a number of visitors who, likely, have gone away terribly unhappy.... Their search needs unmet... Their connection with the right blog information, miserably unrequited.

I weep for them.

So today, for just the cost of a freely-hosted blog post, I'm going to answer some of my favorite recent search requests as a public service to the great people of the Interwebs.

Because that's the way we roll here at Cabbages-- exactly like Sally Struthers doing a Save The Children ad. But, y'know, without all those kids getting in the way...

Or the actual saving...

Oh, and with a lot more sarcasm.

But otherwise just the same. Here we go:
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pixie sticks candy does it have melanie?

After some detectivework, I can safely say-- yes. Melanie has been held hostage in the Pixy Stix factory for the last 20 years. You should tell the police to keep an eye out for a man with a top-hat and a plum topcoat, answering to the name of Wonka. He is the one responsible. And when you do find Melanie, remember-- don't release her from her chair right away. A 20-year sugar high will require a few weeks of detox, and experts indicate the sugar shakes can become quite violent.


In the meantime, you might want to check out Night of a Thousand Pixie Stix and read about other sugar addicts like your friend.

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stephanie zimbalist shoe size?

For those who don't remember her, actress Stephanie Zimbalist was best known for her role of Laura Holt, in 80s detective show Remington Steele. Now I was unable to discover the answer to this life-altering shoe size question on all of the possible relevant resources... The IMDB... The Stephanie Zimbalist Fan Club... Or B-ListCelebrityShoeSizes.com. So I went to the source, Miss Zimbalist herself. Who had this to say:

"Was that that creep who kept trying to break into my dressing room and steal my footwear? We caught him back in 84, a Dr. Shoal Exercise Sandal in one hand and a faked backstage pass in the other. He's been stalking me ever since. You tell him from me the only shoe of mine he'll be getting is the boot from my lawyer."

Ah, yes... another problem solved! It feels so good to be a helper.

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nacked forth grade girls
?
In this case, to this visitor I am sorry to report, sir, that you have more problems than we at the Save the Searches Foundation are able to address. But I do recommend that when looking for illegal images of underage females online, you perhaps try using spell check to better refine your search. Unless, of course, "Nacked Forth" is the name of some small midwestern town and you were looking for the end-of-term grades received in the locality's prominent Girl's School...

In which case, I owe you an apology.

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how to face your clown fears?

This is a legitimate concern. Many people, such as myself, have coulrophobia-- or the fear of clowns. Now some experts say the best way to face fears of any kind is to confront them.

But we with Clown Fear know that standing in a circle of circus clowns for a friendly meet-and-greet is only a sure way of 1.) getting pulled into a closet which is actually a portal to hell never to be seen again 2.) getting pulled down into the drain or sewers which is actually a portal to hell never to be seen again 3.) getting eaten alive by Tim Curry in a scene even scarier than his performance in McHale's Navy. (If he was a Russian, why did he have a German accent?). Hoping to never see it again.

So my recomendation instead is preventative. Don't watch It, Poltergeist, Killer Klowns from Outer Space or read this post about Barnum and Bailey's Toilet of Clown Infested Doom. Don't. Do. It.

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wowshams

WowShams-- the single shammy cloth that comes with coffee spills, juice spills, bathwater from your dog, blood from your last mass murder, and dirty fluid from the carwash already inside it! Simply squeeze to release the product's patented Insta-Stain Producing Technology, and create the beautiful stain, smudge or smear you're looking for. This company also makes Comment-in-a-Can and Review-in-a-Can. Act now!

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slick it up spandex
?
That's easy-- Might I recommend a WowSham? (Please see above.)

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how to tell staff to stop forwarding unnecessary emails
?
Excellent question! First, I would recommend reading the book: Passive-Aggressive Bosses and the Employees Who Love Them. Available at any of your major bookstores. Then I suggest you write a memo and slip it to them when they're at the watercooler laughing at that morning's LOLCat.

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Well, that's all we have for today! I'm sorry I wasn't able to answer all your questions, but our time and funding at Save the Searchers is limited.

Have you gotten a mystifying search engine referrer? Why not share it with Cabbages readers? Our comments section is open 24/7-- no lines, no waiting!

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30 comments:

Tiggy said...

I got one recently for 'Tiggy porn'. I wasn't very happy about that.

Jaffer said...

You will hav3 to b3ar with th3 L33t which I opt3d to comm3nt in for good r3asons

I watch3d Willy Wonka and th3 Chocolat3 Factory only a coupl3 of W33k3nds ago. I still lov3 that movi3.
I hav3n't s33n th3 Johnny D3pp v3rsion. I h3ar it was not as good as th3 first ?

N4k3d f0urth Gr4d3 G1rls ? 4y3 C4rumb4 ! (1 d0 g3t s0m3 s34rch3rs 0n my bl0g l00k1ng f0r "Ultr4 Y0ung G1rls")
Th3r3 must b3 4n 0rg4n1z4t10n t0 r3p0rt such 1SPs ?

Clowns ar3 3vil. 3v3n Ronald th3 Zombi3 has daymar3s about th3m.

Offic3 Spac3 is still on3 of my favourit3 Movi3s, 3v3n if it was badly mad3 !
I hav3 to lov3 it for th3 Indian guy ! LOL

Jenn Thorson said...

Tiggy- I knew you were doing Extras work, but didn't realize the industry. :)

Jaffer- heh, it's like trying to read a whole bunch of personalized license plates at a time.

Office Space is a favorite film of mine. And Samir's great-- I always felt so sorry for him with no one really even trying to pronounce his name. "It is terrible, this plan, Peter."

freetheunicorns said...

Punch that motherfucking clown in the baby maker.

Jenn Thorson said...

FreetheUnicorns-- (cough, snicker-laugh, choke) So, um... some repressed clown rage there, my friend?

Vic said...

What about if you are really afraid of naked forth grade CLOWNS?? In Stephanie Zimbalist's shoes, which totally wouldn't fit gigantic clown feet, which makes it even scarier.

Vic said...

I'm sorry. "NACKED forth grade clowns." My fear is playing havoc with my typing.

Jenn Thorson said...

Vic- Oh no... now I have a whole other more complex level of fears to deal with! Thanks a LOT, Vic-- And to think I thought I liked you until now! :)

Jenn Thorson said...

Vic- (cont') And yes, the "NACKED" just adds that special something, I think.

Hooked On Phonics apparently didn't work for everybody.

Tony Single said...

And this is the kind of thing I have to look forward to as a blogger... good grief. :p

unfinishedrambler said...

Well, well, you managed to include one each of my wife's favorite and least favorite things: Office Space (favorite) and clowns (not favorite at all). If clowns had been in Office Space, she really would have had a problem.

Da Old Man said...

So, you aren't going to make it to Clownfest this year?

dana wyzard said...

I googled "clown's wearing Stephanie Zimbalist's shoes" and got sent here. . . .

ReformingGeek said...

Whoopee. My most popular search is boomer humor. I'm sure they ran away screaming and I didn't even have a picture of a clown or a nacked forth gradient.

Just couldn't resist, could I?

Jenn Thorson said...

Tony- Yep-- Give it 6 months to a year and wa-hoo! You'll be getting everything you can imagine (and somewhat beyond that) related to pigs.

UnfinishedDude- Yes, and I'd be 100% with her on that. Let's keep Office Space a clown-free zone, 'kay?

DaOldMan- Sorry to disappoint Chuckles and Emmet Kelly and Bozo and Krusty, but... er, yeah.

Dana- *Snicker.* Very nice entrance.

ReformingGeek- What exactly IS Boomer humor? "Do you remember Woodstock?" "Er, no." "Were you there?" "Er...maybe."

dizzblnd said...

Thanks for saving us time on this important research. It took me a wile to figure out what nacked is.

Jenn Thorson said...

Dizzblnd- You and me both. I looked at that word for a good minute or two before it clicked what he was looking for.

Then I threw up a little in my mouth. :)

jay said...

Honey, let's face it. If Johnny Depp has Melanie, she won't thank you for 'rescuing' her. Leave the poor girl be. She's happy.

LOL!

Jenn Thorson said...

Jay- Well, you have a point there. Though, while I love Mr. Depp myself, I don't exactly think Willy Wonka is the Depp character I'd choose to spend 20 years with.

The giggle would TOTALLY get on my nerves after a while.

Nooter said...

so do you secretly have pictures of nacked forth grade girls on your blog here somewhere? is that why search found your site? are you calling google a liar? getting a little nervous waiting for the swat team to come busting into your home? do you have any snaks?

Jenn Thorson said...

Nooter- You cannot make me afeared... I know he came here because of my couple of fourth grade bullying stories. Where the kids were not, in fact, nacked or forth. :) No snaks were involved.

Greg said...

It's clear I could be having all kinds of fun if I knew how to check what search terms were bringing folks to the Midnight Garden.

: )

Jenn Thorson said...

Greg- Heh, did you end up using Statcounter for your stats? Because if so, I can tell you how to see the searches that led to your blog.

Jen said...

All mine are "Redhead insert sex act here"

Jenn Thorson said...

Jen- Ah dear.. not quite your target audience, either.

Now why can't they visit using search terms like "Angry Redhead with Clothes Still On Blogs" or "Redhead with Something To Say Tells It Like She Sees it"? :)

~Static~ said...

I like the post. I think we shall follow this trend (the Save the Searchers Foundation) and see where it leads.

One of the best search terms leading to my site is "whale penis."

Hmm, methinks Google f***ed up..nicely. =)

Hindleyite said...

Naked fourth grade girls? I hope that isn't some sort of euphemism for fourth-level prostitutes.

Hindleyite said...

Oh right, I just understood it. That's much worse...

Jenn Thorson said...

Hindleyite- Yeah-- a perv of the highest intellect, eh?

~Static~ said...

Perhaps I wasn't clear, "whale penis" I say. "WHALE PENIS".