The Save the Searchers Foundation- sniff, sob

At Of Cabbages and Kings, we aim to please. And as I look through my search engine referrers, I see a number of visitors who, likely, have gone away terribly unhappy.... Their search needs unmet... Their connection with the right blog information, miserably unrequited.

I weep for them.

So today, for just the cost of a freely-hosted blog post, I'm going to answer some of my favorite recent search requests as a public service to the great people of the Interwebs.

Because that's the way we roll here at Cabbages-- exactly like Sally Struthers doing a Save The Children ad. But, y'know, without all those kids getting in the way...

Or the actual saving...

Oh, and with a lot more sarcasm.

But otherwise just the same. Here we go:
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pixie sticks candy does it have melanie?
After some detectivework, I can safely say-- yes. Melanie has been held hostage in the Pixy Stix factory for the last 20 years. You should tell the police to keep an eye out for a man with a top-hat and a plum topcoat, answering to the name of Wonka. He is the one responsible. And when you do find Melanie, remember-- don't release her from her chair right away. A 20-year sugar high will require a few weeks of detox, and experts indicate the sugar shakes can become quite violent.


In the meantime, you might want to check out Night of a Thousand Pixie Stix and read about other sugar addicts like your friend.

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stephanie zimbalist shoe size?
For those who don't remember her, actress Stephanie Zimbalist was best known for her role of Laura Holt, in 80s detective show Remington Steele. Now I was unable to discover the answer to this life-altering shoe size question on all of the possible relevant resources... The IMDB... The Stephanie Zimbalist Fan Club... Or B-ListCelebrityShoeSizes.com. So I went to the source, Miss Zimbalist herself. Who had this to say:

"Was that that creep who kept trying to break into my dressing room and steal my footwear? We caught him back in 84, a Dr. Shoal Exercise Sandal in one hand and a faked backstage pass in the other. He's been stalking me ever since. You tell him from me the only shoe of mine he'll be getting is the boot from my lawyer."

Ah, yes... another problem solved! It feels so good to be a helper.

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nacked forth grade girls?
In this case, to this visitor I am sorry to report, sir, that you have more problems than we at the Save the Searches Foundation are able to address. But I do recommend that when looking for illegal images of underage females online, you perhaps try using spell check to better refine your search. Unless, of course, "Nacked Forth" is the name of some small midwestern town and you were looking for the end-of-term grades received in the locality's prominent Girl's School...

In which case, I owe you an apology.

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how to face your clown fears?
This is a legitimate concern. Many people, such as myself, have coulrophobia-- or the fear of clowns. Now some experts say the best way to face fears of any kind is to confront them.

But we with Clown Fear know that standing in a circle of circus clowns for a friendly meet-and-greet is only a sure way of 1.) getting pulled into a closet which is actually a portal to hell never to be seen again 2.) getting pulled down into the drain or sewers which is actually a portal to hell never to be seen again 3.) getting eaten alive by Tim Curry in a scene even scarier than his performance in McHale's Navy. (If he was a Russian, why did he have a German accent?). Hoping to never see it again.

So my recomendation instead is preventative. Don't watch It, Poltergeist, Killer Klowns from Outer Space or read this post about Barnum and Bailey's Toilet of Clown Infested Doom. Don't. Do. It.

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wowshams
WowShams-- the single shammy cloth that comes with coffee spills, juice spills, bathwater from your dog, blood from your last mass murder, and dirty fluid from the carwash already inside it! Simply squeeze to release the product's patented Insta-Stain Producing Technology, and create the beautiful stain, smudge or smear you're looking for. This company also makes Comment-in-a-Can and Review-in-a-Can. Act now!

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slick it up spandex?
That's easy-- Might I recommend a WowSham? (Please see above.)

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how to tell staff to stop forwarding unnecessary emails?
Excellent question! First, I would recommend reading the book: Passive-Aggressive Bosses and the Employees Who Love Them. Available at any of your major bookstores. Then I suggest you write a memo and slip it to them when they're at the watercooler laughing at that morning's LOLCat.

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Well, that's all we have for today! I'm sorry I wasn't able to answer all your questions, but our time and funding at Save the Searchers is limited.

Have you gotten a mystifying search engine referrer? Why not share it with Cabbages readers? Our comments section is open 24/7-- no lines, no waiting!

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