The 2009 Drama Llama Awards

Blame it on the Oscars. Or the financial crisis. Or the need to create jobs.

But I noticed, there's one area of online existence that hasn't received its fair share of official ceremonies.

And yet, it's fascinated and horrified big audiences with its brazen acting, intricate plot-lines, over-the-top character development, and flashy song-and-dance routines....

Online forum dramatics-- and the Drama Kings and Queens who reign supreme.

Anyone who's spent much time in any sort of public forum on virtually any topic-- from blogging to fishing to cheese-sandwich-assembly-- knows what I'm talking about.

Those actors and actresses who hone their thespian craft on message boards-- drawing the eyes of all around with outrageous pronouncements, bitter rivalries, nefarious conspiracy theories and widely polarizing subject matter.

The folks who enter with a bang, leave with a "Goodbye Cruel World" and return later, reborn and cleansed, like the phoenix from the ashes...

Or, y' know, with a new avatar and the same tell-tale way of typing.

These are the candidates for the Drama Llama Awards. (The "Llammies.")

Now you might say doing an award ceremony for this sort of thing would only encourage online actors to give it all they've got. That it would glorify the less-than-desirable attributes of online life into one big ol' Festival of Trolling and Narcissism.

But let's take a look at the benefits of developing an official ceremony in praise of this, our most resilient, primal and deeply-rooted online art...


Creating New Jobs
First of all, the Llammies would help create jobs. Don't just think of the high-end avatar designers, the web hosts, the voting app developers, and the advertising campaigns that would lead up to the awards themselves.

But think of the fulfilling careers many talented writers could have in penning powerful farewell and comeback speeches for forum members!

Like the classic "You Done Me Wrong" speech which spreads guilt across the forum masses like extra-smooth peanut butter. Blame to those directly involved... Blame to those who logged on not taking sides in times of great injustice. Like Germans not speaking out against Nazism. Or, y'know, just because you happened to be offline for an hour or two and missed the hubbub.

These writers could also give polish to the "On Further Consideration, I Have Decided I Will Not Remain Stifled By Naysayers" speech. Where the lead actor has taken a brief hiatus from his or her dramatic, public career and has returned... renewed, envigorated and taking their art to a whole new level.

To a lesser degree, these writers could supplement their incomes year-round with passive-aggressive notes to their clients' friends, family and significant others-- explaining why the author has been giving them the cold shoulder for a few weeks. Those kind of "we need to talk" notes.

I see a whole market here.


Providing Inexpensive Entertainment and Fame Alternatives
Cable prices are skyrocketing, movie prices are going up and yet household budgets are tighter than ever. But the Drama Llama Awards and the acts leading up to them would give online audiences a unique alternative to current reality television programs, at one flat rate.

Like reality TV, the Drama Llamas would allow regular joes and josies to have their fifteen minutes of fame. But unlike reality television shows, where the lead actors and actresses are cast from thousands, the Llammies mean just anyone with determination, shaky self-esteem and a dash of flair has an chance at becoming an internet sensation-- with only the price of an Internet connection.


Improving Morale
Because tight finances are preventing many from taking vacations this year, or indulging in luxury items, morale is taking a dive and glamour is eroding from our daily lives. So what better way to add a bright spot of razzle-dazzle, excitement and anticipation by having an awards ceremony? Everyone will totally forget they've been laid-off, the mortgage is overdue and little Timmy needs braces, when they're distracted by critical questions like:

• "Who Will Win for Best Supporting Sycophant?"
• "How Many Avatar Changes Can Our Metamorphasizing Starlet Have During a Single Performance?"
• "Who Will Snatch the Award for Most Blatant Scam Denial of The Year?"
  
• And "Who Will Win for Best Long-Running, Multiple-Thread Serial Grudge?"

Enhancing Research and Education
And, not to be forgotten, would be the Llammies' contribution to the field of education, particularly in the areas of psychology and self-help. As a result of the Llammies, psychologists, psychiatriasts, cultural anthropologists and stand-up comics will get the opportunity to examine the most extensive body of data on human behavior ever collected into one spot.

This will prove invaluable to further our collective knowledge about life-affecting challenges like Narcissistic Personality Disorder, schizophrenia, manic-depression, esteem issues and the connection between troll comments and poor spelling.


Amateur online dramatics is as much a part of the human experience as war, love, and rubber-necking. Don't we owe it to ourselves to channel the shock and horror of these forum performances into something more... well... sparkly?

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