Ten Signs Your Neighbor is a Zombie

So you think you might be living next door to a flesh-eating zombie, but want to be sure.

In suburbia, a neighbor with a glazed expression and red-stained clothes may not, in fact, be zombified. Mrs. Johnson might just be one Cosmo away from forgetting how much she hates PTA meetings. Or Mr. Johnson might have slugged the kids' soccer coach again.

So how can you be absolutely certain the people next door have not joined the walking dead in their unholy crusade for human nibblies?

Of Cabbages and Kings has you covered, with our Top 10 Signs Your Neighbor is a Zombie:
  • The annual neighborhood barbecue mysteriously swaps burgers and hot dogs for steak tartar and ribs. Very rare ribs.
  • Local trick-or-treaters seem to have all coordinated their costumes and gone as what you can only describe as "grunge." It's the first year no one has shown up as the killer from Scream.
  • People are milling about on your lawn in the wee hours of the morning, peering in your windows and moaning, but you're not actually holding a yard sale this day.
  • Your dog is missing, and Mr. Brown next door is in bad need of a lint brush.
  • This is the first time you've talked to Mrs. Brown where she didn't try to verbally one-up your kid with her kid's success. In fact, it's the first time she let you do all the talking.
  • You ask for a hand with some groceries, and you get one. It wears nail polish.
  • Mr. Timmons' white picket fence is now in a designer color you could only describe as "Carotid Artery Crimson."
  • Suzie White's Girl Scout Cookie stand now carries flavors like "Thin Mintons," "Peanut Taggarts" and "Samoans." Coincidentally, the Mintons, Taggarts and Samoans live down the block.
  • The kids' babysitter seemed wholly uninterested in raiding the fridge. But licked her lips when she saw your cat Mr. Fluffy.
  • Keeping up with the Joneses has become easy. They meander in the yard in circles at about two miles per hour.

Thank you, we'll be here all week, folks! Enjoy the finger sandwiches!
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22 comments:

Me-Me King said...

Yikes!!! I did notice the trick or treaters dressing grunge-style this year. I just thought this was a last minute costume idea.

Holy moly! We've been invaded!

Jenn Thorson said...

Me-Me- That's how it sneaks up on us! You never can be too careful. Did the trick-or-treaters turn their noses up at chocolate but then eye your dog? :)

Leeuna said...

Okay. It's for certain now. We have zombies in the neighborhood. I'm hiding my dog as we speak!

CatLadyLarew said...

I'm wandering around slowly in circles myself these days. Should I be worried?

Jenn Thorson said...

Leeuna- Ah, one more furred friend saved by the power of the internet! :)

CatLady- Well, just on quick diagnosis I'd say not, given you type and spell too well to be a zombie. They're more into texting. :)

hindleyite said...

Been watching 'Sean of the Dead' again, have we? ;)

Jenn Thorson said...

Hindleyite- Shaun of the Dead would have realized the peril he was in sooner if he'd had these helpful tips! :)

Speedcat Hollydale said...

Funny ... I had missed all the signs. Glad I moved!

ReformingGeek said...

Oh dears. Now I know why Cat is scared to go outside and I'm thinking that I have not seen my neighbors in awhile....

Jenn Thorson said...

Speedy- Sounds like you've made it to a low-risk zombie-free neighborhood. :)

Reforming Geek- Oh boy. Lock your doors, my friend! Take no chances!

Melanie said...

Jenn, I owe you a big thanks! Because you've taken it upon yourself to educate us all about zombies, I was able to get 3 down in my crossword yesterday. The anwswer was "zombies" which I wouldn't have known before I started reading your blog. Thanks. :)

Jenn Thorson said...

Melanie- Woo-hoo! Who imagined that zombie education would be so useful in non-combat situations? :)

TJ Lubrano said...

WOOHOO! Happy Happy birthday Jenn! Ah man, I'm bummed that I just found out! I would have made a doodle for you too!! You know what, I still make you one! But I can't give it to you today though *sigh*...but you will get one! Stay tuned!

So if you would excuse me...I have to set up some traps. After reading your post...my suspicions are right. My neighbors are zombies and I have to prepare for battle! I wasn't holding a yard sale and still I heard mumbling in the early morning. A suspicious wave was followed from my lady neighbor...and also they greet like this: "Hi there TJ! How are you? You look particularly tasty today..."

Yes. I shall prepare now.

Enjoy your day!! Ciao!!

TJ Lubrano said...

Ooh! And congrats about being asked to publish a post! That is so cool! You definitely deserve it!!

Jenn Thorson said...

Awww... TJ, you're just a sweetheart! What a nice online bud you are! How lucky I am to have "met" you.

Keep a good distance from that neighbor-- I certainly wouldn't trust it. "Tasty." Yup, that's a zombie buzz word if ever I heard one!

TJ Lubrano said...

Oh now you are just making me shy hahaha! Thank you though ^_^! I'm also really glad that I've met you! Who else triggers my imagination in an interesting? Only you :D!

Yes. Tasty is indeed a sign. And the last time I spoke to them...they asked me this, 'TJ! You are just a feast for the eye. So, would you like to join us for a crispy snack"...I slowly backed away.

That just gave me goosebumps all over again o_O.

Jenn Thorson said...

TJ- If we don't hear from you on BC for a few days, I will have to gather some people to make sure you haven't become zombie hors d'oeuvres. :)

Mrsblogalot said...

That's it. I'm moving. I was just waiting for an excuse and Zombie neighbors are as good as any!

Ann's Rants said...

This explains the crossing guard. I should've read this post first.

stillthinking said...

Hehe, this was the chuckle I needed. I appreciate the return to the zombie genre as there is not enough serious zombie writing nowdays. My next door neighbors had a screaming fight a couple of weeks ago and are now mysteriously silent. I have listening for any mysterious grunts and muffled shuffling of feet just in case.

Jenn Thorson said...

MrsBlogsalot- Hey, whatever works, right? :) It would be an original excuse, anyway-- "Property values dip due to zombie infiltration!"

Ann- Ha! I'm just imagining this zombie crossing guard spinning in the middle of the street as cars fly by.

Still- Yup, you either have zombies or a domestic that went completely awry. But I vote for zombies. They're more funner. :)

selfdeprecate said...

They should teach this stuff in school.