Santa Was a Jerk

Okay. It's finally out there. I've said it once and I'll say it again:

Santa was a jerk.

No, no, not to me. To Rudolph. And I think because of his position and influence and the potential for coal-filled stockings, we let the Fat Man's open discrimination and self-interest slide long enough.

I mean, the evidence is clear and we've all witnessed it. Santa takes one look at Rudolph's glowing nose and does he tell the other reindeer to lay off with the name-calling?

Does he use this as a teachable moment to explain how some clay stop-motion reindeer have lightbulb noses and some don't, but that we're all equal in Santa's eyes?

Does he instate an inclusive reindeer games policy?

No. He's as bad as the rest of them. He makes a mockery of Rudolph's nose. And then-- only when he realizes that the shiny schnoz could suit his own needs-- then he uses Rudolph by conning him into a high-risk flight.

No "I was wrong, Rudolph."

No "I will no longer support discriminatory practices in this workplace, Rudolph."

No "Please don't find an elf who secretly desires to be a lawyer and then sue the red knickers off me, Rudolph."

Nope. Nothing.

And Rudolph, raised in an atmosphere of ostracism and low self-esteem, totally takes it without a single, "Oh, so ya like me now, huh? Well, it's a little late for that, Nicky-boy."

No, Rudolph's just grateful for Santa's acknowledgment, the poor deer.

It's a sad, dysfunctional situation if ever I saw one, and frankly, I've totally lost respect for Mr. HoHoHo.

So this year, I'm skipping the milk and cookies for the Fat Man. Instead, I'm leaving some deer treats and this note.


Please give these reindeer num-nums to Rudolph, and you can skip the presents for me this year. It's bad enough you're running an elf-labor sweatshop--

And you're clearly violating copyright laws by replicating toys that actual corporations hold the trademarks on and passing them off as legit--

But your Equal Opportunity policies stink, too.

So go ahead and give me coal if you dare. With the current rates on fossil fuels, I'll be making out all right.


I think if enough of us leave notes like this, Santa might be forced to pay attention and do something about it. Fair is fair. Let's show Mr. Naughty-or-Nice that we can't be bribed into silence anymore!

Who's with me?



Beer Drinker said...

I'm with you! Any inside information that Santa may be cheating on Mrs. Claus that we could also leverage?

Jenn Thorson said...

Beer Drinker- I think once word spreads about the movement, the soot will really start to come out.

TJ Lubrano said...

Woohoo! You can't count me in too! I was already thinking of a way to keep the cookies to my self, since I have this cool secret recipe that I wanted to try out and well...Santa just want the whole batch -_-'...and then I have nothing left...and well I just think that is kinda bad of Santa. Eating all the cookies!

Thanks so much for adding the doodle and poem to your site!! You're so sweet and I'm really happy you like it! But no one ever made you a doodle?! I'm always inspired to create lots of doodles when I read your stories...remember chicken and the Dad and tools or Umbrella's and Mary Poppins...^_^

excessable said...

Ha! You're so right! Here's what I think about Santa:

Jenn Thorson said...

TJ- Well, then this works out well for you. And honestly, giving cookies to a fat man really IS only enabling his overeating, isn't it? :)

Excessable- Well, one more recruit for the cause-- excellent!

TJ Lubrano said...

Exactly Jenn, exactly! And we wouldn't want that!

Melanie said...

Good points Jenn. But while you're at it, let's not forget the Grinch and the way he brutalized poor Max. One skinny shivering dog dragging a whole sleigh to the top of Mount Crumpit, where are the animal rights folks on that one?

Jenn Thorson said...

TJ- It's for his own good.

Melanie- See, while I agree that poor Max was terribly abused, we don't have expectations that the Grinch should be a good employer. What with his too-small heart and all, you can pretty much guess he's not going to give Christmas bonuses or anything.

But SANTA... we have expectations for Santa. He's supposed to be one of the good guys. And then we watch him totally dis ol' Rudy like that... it ain't right.

Joel Klebanoff said...

I've heard a number of women say, not about Santa specifically, but about men in general, that Santa is a jerk because he's a man. According to these women, being a jerk is inherent in maleness. Needless to say, I don't subscribe to that philosophy.

Re your forgoing of gifts this year: Provided that they aren't intended specifically for a female, would you mind telling Santa to give your gifts to me? Because of my cultural heritage, Santa has never given me anything. (A clear case of discrimination; yet another complaint against him.) It would be nice to get some gifts from Santa for a change.

Jenn Thorson said...

Joel- I'm not sure whether I'll be in much of a position to make additional requests, given the circumstances, but I can give it a go.

ReformingGeek said...

That Santa is surely a horrible boss and apparently, he is a skilled player. I know this because of all the lyrics that people have written about him over at my blog.


My eyes have been opened. No more cookies for Santa. Instead, I will eat them all.


MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I love the whole Rudolph story, but I've always thought Santa treated Rudolph like a total tool. And the sad thing is that Rudolph was so desperate to be loved, he took it. What's even sadder is that I identify with Rudoph. Not that I have a glowing red nose. Not most of the time, anyway.

Jenn Thorson said...

Mike- You know, it's funny but as a kid, I only felt sorry for Rudolph. But one year a friend and I caught Rudolph again as adults, and we were both shocked at Santa's behavior. My friend actually exclaimed in horror, "Santa's a jerk!"

Re; the glowing red nose, well, eggnog will do that. :)

lifeshighway said...

Santa was a complete jerk and I find your assessement completely accurate. You know, Rudolf has superpowers and could join up with the x-men where they would appreciate him for his talents. He also might get a really cool uniform.

Of course the X-men weren't all men but that is a discussion for another day.

Anonymous said...

Amen, Sister-friend. That 'naughty' crap has gone on too long. It's time to put that fat, red, sack of flannel in check!

I for one am gonna skip the cookies too, and put prune juice and broccoli for him. That oughta do the trick.

(Besides, 'naughty' really is so much more fun!)

Jenn Thorson said...

Reforming Geek- (SORRY, I OVERSHOT EARLIER IN MY RESPONSES...) Enjoy them! It sounds like you've endured more than enough already. (I'll have to pop by and find out what the lyrics hubbub was about!)

Life's Highway- I hadn't considered the Xmen angle because... well... it's, um, highly original! But certainly he would find a haven there, where he would be appreciated. They could take the Misfit Toys as well. It could be a Christmas Crime-Fighting sub-unit.

Corey- Prune juice and broccoli is much more along the lines of what's needed, but I was thinking it might delay the toy deliveries. I mean if every kid gives prune juice.... there could be COMPLICATIONS.

JD at I Do Things said...


This has always bothered me. Who the hell does Santa think he is? Grumbling about the elves and not eating enough? And the whole Rudolph thing. Ugh.

Altho he DID go visit the Island of Misfit Toys . . .

. . . but only because RUDOLPH suggested it! YES! Because before that, Santa totally ignored the Island of Misfit Toys! Oh, boy. Where's my pen and paper?

dave mynning said...

Jenn, yes, I'm with you on the bad boy Santa thing.

Maybe you can tell old Rudolph to make a quick left turn over Albuquerque and dump the old boy out somewhere in the desert sand.

Oh, and the next time Santa wants to make amends, Rudolph can simply say, "It's too late, FAT Boy." That hurts.

Mr. Knucklehead said...

I was watching Rudolph the other night and thought that same thing. I mean, Santa IMMEDIATELY started giving Rudy shit.

Have you seen "Raging Rudolph"? If not, you have to YouTube it. Rudolph's ultimate revenge.

Kevin said...

I had something similar happen to me, when my employer found a way to exploit my acid reflux to his advantage.

Jenn Thorson said...

JD- Yes, it does seem like Santa had his priorities screwed up, doesn't it?

Dave Mynning- Ah, but if I did that, I would be no better than all of the other reindeer, who used to laugh and call names. :)

Knucklehead- I'll check it out; Rudy deserves some better closure than he got.

Kevin- I hear that's happening more often now in this tough economy. :)

Berowne said...

Check ou the real Santa on my blog.

Barry said...

Exploitation! That is all it is plain and simple!

Jenn Thorson said...

Barry- I KNOW! How has he gotten away with it for so many years?!