Christmas Songs that Need to Be Written

The awesome beauty of crystallized precipitation... The joy of uniting with people who share a common genetic structure... Hard-shelled, protein-rich foodstuffs combusting over a potential fire-hazard... This is the stuff of Christmas song.

Yet, I can't help but feel there are other topics that reveal an even greater part of the Modern Family Christmas Experience that have not yet been addressed.

So rather than endure a 3,000th broadcast of George Michael's "Last Christmas" or McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime"-- which always make me want to puncture my eardrums with a marshmallow roasting stick-- someone needs to write about the subjects that are truly relevant to our time.

Subjects like:
  • 35 and Sleeping in the Bunk Over Grandpa
  • O Little Table of Lesser Fam, Where Dost Thou Put One's Knees?
  • Yes, Yes, Yes, I'm Still Single, Auntie (Pass the Peas)
  • Over the River and Through a Ten Car Pile Up On the Turnpike
  • Egg Nog Helps Me Forget
  • Silent Treatment for Sister
  • Dreidel, Dreidel, Spun Way Under the Couch (For my Jewish friends)
  • Guilt Brings Us Together
  • Oh Christmas Socks, Oh Christmas Socks!
  • Tales from a Christmas Form Letter
  • The Airline Peanut Feast
  • When Santa Brings Math Flash Cards
  • In the Glow of the Shining Leg Lamp
  • A Toy Worth Trampling For
  • Black Friday, Blue Christmas
  • Please Don't Eat the Garland
  • Ornament Physics with Fluffy
  • Weeping on the Keyboard (The Sappy Christmas Email Forward Song)
  • Who Stole the Light-up Baby Jesus?

...And, of course, many other soon-to-be-classic hits!

I hope this preliminary list will inspire you talented songwriters out there to really get creative and make music that reflects Christmas as we truly know it. Because I have to tell you, McCartney's really getting on my last nerve.

Help me.

Please.

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Question for today:
Any new Christmas song ideas you'd like to add to this list?

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31 comments:

Joel Klebanoff said...

Thanks for that. I never realized how lacking the current collection of seasonal songs is until you mentioned it.

It was nice of you to include one for your Jewish friends, but the song immediately following that, "Guilt Brings Us Together," unites many faiths, creating a siblinghood of humanity.

Thank you also for avoiding the ugly thoughts that would have invaded my mind if you had used the normal, one-word term rather than "crystallized precipitation." I normally hate that stuff, but you made it sound almost pleasant.

Jenn Thorson said...

Joel- Now you mention it, there seem to be a number of other ones on the list that are not necessarily Christian-faith-dependent. :) That's good. I don't want to minimize the holiday get together experience of any particular group. :)

Babs-beetle said...

I am always saying that it's about time we had some new Christmas songs. I think maybe songwriters wouldn't know what to write now, or even what they are allowed to write about, it's changed so much.

I remember when Christmas was all the things they wrote about in the old songs, right down to the chestnuts roasting on an open fire ;)

Jenn Thorson said...

Babs- Every now and then I hear a new Christmas song that's really good. But mostly it's the same stuff that gets repeated to death. I've never had a roast chestnut-- were they lovely?

Leeuna said...

These songs are just begging to be written. Especially the 'A Toy Worth Trampling For.' I like the song Blue Christmas sung by Porky Pig. It never fails to make me giggle.

Beer Drinker said...

Hey Jenn.

What an excellent list to be written! I've noticed that some corporations of Anti-Christmas Past have decided to embrace the holiday this year, too. "We Dish You a Merry Christmas" is now a favorite of mine.

For me, my ears bleed when hearing "All I want for Christmas is you, baby"

Jenn Thorson said...

Leeuna- I'll have to see if I can find Porky's rendition online. I've missed that one... I blame McCartney. :)

Beer Drinker- Oh, no-- Dish You a Merry Christmas?! :) I will think of you next time I hear your (ahem) fave Christmas song. You've reminded me, I'm starting to get that way (ear-bleeding) with the original version of "Santa Baby" too.

Deray said...

jajajajajajaja *dries a tear* jajajajajaja. That list is fabulous, I have personally experienced the "Yes, Yes, Yes, I'm Still Single, Auntie (Pass the Peas)" for over 10 years now so it would be awesome to have a song about it.

How about: "everyone eats but who payed for the dinner"? (recurring theme in the Galindo family). Or, "who took more left-overs home"?

Jenn Thorson said...

Deray- Oh, I have too on that first one, so I hear you. :) There would have to be a whole album dedicated to eating and leftovers. Growing up, I recall my mom's family playing the after-dinner cleaning-up hit, "You eat this, and I'll eat that." :) My aunt avoided putting away small amounts of leftovers many years that way.

Rethoryke said...

There are, actually, some gorgeous new Christmas carols, penned just last year by the Poet Laureate of England -- go look for "The Manchester Carols" -- although the first versions were done with cathedral choirs, these really are meant to be sung by ordinary people with regular voices [although some notes are beyond all of us...]

Back to your real topic, though, which is "Will our ears and sanity survive the holiday season, whatever the heck people choose to call it?" I love your selection of song ideas, and promise to create one or two lyrics in the next few weeks.

Jenn Thorson said...

Rethoryke- Well, it's certainly good to know there are interesting new carols out there-- we just need to get them into rotation with the stuff we've heard WAY too much. I look forward to your lyrics. Knowing you as I do, I can imagine they'll be dillies. :)

JD at I Do Things said...

I REALLY hate that Paul McCartney song. AND the John Lennon one "So This Is Christmas." Both are way overplayed.

I don't think I'd ever get sick of "Guilt Brings Us Together" or "Tales from a Christmas Form Letter."

I'm going to try to think of some of my own -- with lyrics!

Jenn Thorson said...

JD- Woo-hoo! I can't wait to see what you come up with! You are doing a great service to everyone at this special holiday time! (Bye-Bye, Mr. McCartney!....mwwwahhahahahaha!)

lifeshighway said...

Don't forgoet "Our blow up Christmas Globe was punctured, sometime late on Christmas Eve.

Jenn Thorson said...

LifesHighway- Heh, this sounds like a woman who's channeling personal experience here. :)

ReformingGeek said...

Those are wonderful ideas and would be much better than the "songs" I've been hearing in the stores this week.

Great Googly Moogly! Where did they get some of those songs?

How about "Uncle Jude Looks Like a Lady"?

Jenn Thorson said...

Reforming Geek- Ah, a little holly jolly Aerosmith there, eh? I bet Uncle Jude makes a real entrance at those holiday get-togethers. :) Glad to add the song to the growing repertoire!

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Great song list! And so true. I think my current Christmas fave is "Blue Christmas" by Elvis. I know it's not very holy and all, but I just like it, and I'm tired of a lot of the others we hear all the time. I hope God doesn't kill me with a falling Christmas tree or something for thinking that.

Jenn Thorson said...

Mike- I only get to hear Elvis about once a season. And I think he could totally take McCartney-- even, you know, dead.

I would say you don't need to worry about those falling Christmas trees, but given how tippy mine was in the stand last year, maybe it's best you just stay safe and clear.

kathcom said...

"Egg Nog Helps Me Forget"--that's my favorite.

A couple things come to mind but I don't know if they lend themselves to song--
Our Christmas Memories Caught on COPS;
Tramp Stampin' Rudolph;
Who's Jesus's Real Baby Daddy?

At least one of these has to be in development for the Maury Povich show already....

Jenn Thorson said...

Kath- Oh, I think they do. They might need either a C&W or Hip-Hop angle on them, but you clearly put some thought into it. :)

(Why am I picturing hoof tattoos? :) )

Andrea said...

These were great ideas! The guilt one is so true. Not just for Christmas alone. Thanks for adding some humor to my day...I've been online shopping for 8 days now! I needed a break from search engines!!!! YIKES!

Jenn Thorson said...

Andrea- Well, the good news is at least you've been able to do the shopping online; I've found that reduces stress levels by about 30% of actually being out there in the shops with Humanity. Best of luck to you in your online hunting! :)

CatLadyLarew said...

Bwahaha! My son rants and raves about "Wonderful Christmastime"! It drives him absolutely crazy!

Great list of New Classic Carols!

Melanie said...

Love those song titles. Personally I can really relate to "Eggnog helps me forget."
And the Guilt, O the Guilt! Yes, that one needs to be written!

Jason said...

I like your site, it's very funny. I have a humor blog as well and I'd like to exchange links with you. We need to spread some traffic around.

Jason
HilariousHeadlines.com/talk

Jenn Thorson said...

CatLady- Ah, I'm glad your son understands the pain of hearing that song, too! :) You'd think a former Beatle could do better than that.

Melanie- Yes, it's looking like the familial guilt song is the big winner here. :)

Jason- I'm sorry, but I don't do link exchanges. It's not actually good for SEO. But thanks for your interest.

Charlene said...

Here are a few suggestions which would be sponsored by my mother-in-law:

* May God (or whomever it is you people believe in these days) Bless You & Keep You

* Your Turkey Isn't As Good As My Turkey

* All I Want for Xmas is My Ten Upper Teeth

Enjoy!
Charlene (from BC)

Babs-beetle said...

Freshly roasted (and hot) chestnuts are delicious. In London, at this time of year, you would see fires, in tall metal containers and chestnuts being roasted, dotted throughout shopping areas. People wandered around the shops eating hot chestnuts from paper bags. Chestnuts were a part of Christmas. I suppose 'Health & Safety' put a stop to it, like they did with a lot of fun things.

Jenn Thorson said...

Charlene- Heh, sounds like you, poor lady, have your work cut out for you at the holidays. I think you deserve a couple of theme-oriented songs. :)

Babs- Aw, it sounds so nice, though... It's a shame if it's no longer legal-- you'd think like our baseball game peanut vendors it wouldn't pose a real issue. But perhaps people complained of chestnut allergies or something. :)

Anonymous said...

There is a song out there about the 12 things I hate about Christmas. It starts out with those "darn christmas lights". I think you could write a whole song about Christmas light problems. Such as "Why do we need so many lights? (so they can be seen from space)" "I like to strangle the person who design these lights" and so on.