New Year's Resolutions for Somebody Else

Well, last year, I'd posted about the things I resolved not to do for 2009.

This year, I've decided to post suggested New Year's Resolutions for people who are not, in fact, me.

See, I know me. I know that I could vow to... oh... eat fewer french fries. Or to exercise for two hours every day. Or to own only one pair of black shoes at a time.

But I also know I'll have forgotten about each and every one of those resolutions by the Ides of March. (Partly, it's because I get distracted, wondering when we stopped using the word "ides" to mean mid-month-- I mean, no one ever tells you your credit card bill is due "ides-ish.")

So, I figure if I want to make some resolutions that are going to fall through anyway, I might as well make them for someone else. Someone who can really use them.

Like this:
  • Charlie Sheen. Charlie... dude. Enough with the hookers and wife-beating and weaponry. It's getting old and boring, like Viagra jokes on a long-drawn-out sitcom. (Not that you know anything about that.) Surprise us for 2010. Join a cult or organized religious group or something. It could even successfully spill over into your series: "Two and a Half Monks." You're good at physical comedy, so the vow of silence shouldn't be a problem, plus, it will cut costs in the writing department. Think about it.
  • People Who Comment Passionately on News Sites. Did you know that you can make your paranoid rants, non sequiter commentary, and parroted talking points in reaction to news articles even more effective? Well, you can! For 2010, consider learning to spell "losers" and "riddance." "Looser" is what happens to your waistband when you drop a pants size. And "riddens" is just an overzealous misapplication of Hooked on Phonics. Calling a group of people "loosers" is, perhaps, not the way to establish the intellectual credibility you're seeking. I mean, I know you could also avoid name-calling completely and debate the actual issues like an adult. But I recognize that's probably asking a lot. It's "losers." Good "riddance" to them. And you're welcome.
  • Spammers. Spammers, I understand you're really devoted to your craft. I know you are desperate to have your unsubtle sales messaging nestled into the comments section of my blogs like a happily feasting tick on an overweight Golden Retriever. But did you know that even if, for some reason, I accidentally approve one of those nuggets of nonsense, when you place it on a blog where the audience doesn't read Japanese... or Russian... or French.... or ancient Mesopotamian.... you are, in fact, wasting a spam? So for 2010, why not resolve to actually, oh, do some research on the blogs you're spamming? Spam English-speaking blogs in English. Japanese in Japanese. Don't insert comments responding to a post about technology, when the post is actually about green beans. This is not to say I'll ever approve your comments. But at least you can say you've elevated your game. And that should make you feel all warm and gooey inside. Again, like that tick.
  • Jon Gosselin. As the clock hits midnight on New Year's Eve and it ticks through those very first fifteen minutes of 2010, look around you, Jon. Notice the lack of TV cameras directed at you. Observe the place where groupies do not drool. Think about those first fifteen minutes of this new decade. Recognize they are not very much like those fifteen minutes of fame you had back in 2009. And then resolve to stop trying to get them back with manufactured drama that comes off like it's been scripted by a high schooler whose watched too many Melrose Place reruns. Yup, Jon, it's time you leave the attention-getting-with-no-observable-talent to Paris Hilton. It's her Niche Super Power. There can be only One. Move along, sonny.
Well, those are the main Resolutions I'd wanted to offer up. I suppose, in reading this over, I really should step forward, and resolve something myself. Like to be less sarcastic for 2010. But---

Hey, did you ever wonder why we only ever hear about "ides" in relation to March? Did Shakespeare completely corner the market on "ides"?

Oh, sorry-- what was I saying before?

Well, nevermind. Happy New Year to you all! And thanks for helping to make it a great 2009!

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Humorbloggers
Humor-blogs

21 comments:

Kathy said...

Oh, please. Not LESS sarcasm in 2010. We want MORE!

Every time I read comments on online news articles, I want to tear my hair out. I'm glad to know it's not just my city that has morons who make stupid, misspelled (and often racist) remarks on them. I actually poked around the comments on other cities' sites to see if it was just where I live. It's not. They're everywhere. A sad state of affairs it is.

Happy New Year, Jenn!

Jenn Thorson said...

Kathy- Oh, no, they are everywhere. If you check out the Political Ticker on CNN.com, you will get your fill. It spans political boundaries. In fact, it may be the ONLY THING right now that unifies our political parties.

I find myself reading those comments the way one might observe an automobile accident. With surprise, horror, and fascination.

lifeshighway said...

You made me curious with all your subliminal ides pushing.

The 15th day of March, May, July, or October or the 13th day of the other months in the ancient Roman calendar.

Which asks the question: Did the Romans have a little rhyme for the Ides of the month? 13th Ides has September... or something to that effect.

Jenn Thorson said...

Life's Highway- Hm... Now you've got ME thinking, too. Maybe there's a way to do the 15th ides in an Every Good Boy Does Fine sort of way.

"Minerva Minds Julius' Owls." :) (Sorry, was trying to keep with the Roman theme there.)

madtexter (corey james) said...

Those are EXCELLENT resolutions for other people. If we could only enforce that! Especially Jon & Kate Gosselin...so sick of hearing about those two turds.

Jenn Thorson said...

Corey- After the stupid and pretty-clearly staged break-in of Jon's apartment, (what, with a KNIFE pinning a note to his dresser? I mean... what are we playing here, Fatal Attraction 3?), I knew Jon would have to be on this list.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sick of hearing about Jon and Kate. I hope they take your resolutions to heart. I never watched their show and try not to watch the news about them. But I hear about them a lot just because I have twins.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Stopping over from Nanny Goats In Panties to say Happy New Year

And you are sooooo right-- "Charlie... dude."

Seriously!

Happy 2010

Mr. Knucklehead said...

While it's still one of my favorite shows, "Two and a Half Men" is dangerously close to jumping the shark. Chelsea's awful, Alan's become a complete douche, and Jake's too old.

Well done post, though, Jenn.

Malathy said...

I stumbled on to your blog from another blog of my friend. I am inspired by your writing. You write well, really well.
Thanks for giving a few moments of pleasure.

Jenn Thorson said...

Anonymous- It's almost impossible NOT to see news about them. It's not that we WANT to... It's just tucked into regular news so it sneaks up on us! I'm sorry you bear the Jon and Kate Comparison burden!

Joanna- Margaret and the goats are most awesome! Thank you for stopping by. And a big Happy New Year to you!

Knucklehead- Each time I thought Alan was pulling it together just a little bit, he would backslide. He's got nowhere to go but douchedom.

Malathy- Thank you so much. That's made my day!

Barry said...

Eh! you nailed some good ones. (or should I say wons like those news spammers) And though my comment doesn't say Green beans or technology - please stop by my website(s) :p

And did you know that SPAM is a knock-off of Treet? Yep Treet existed first.

I am just hoping Fox News vows to not air any more Natalie Holloway stories. :P

Liquid & Tunsie said...

The saying can still be said that "empty barrels make the most noise" I guess. Can't spell but have the most to say...now that's sad.

Anyway, Happy New Year to You.
God bless You!

jay said...

Oh heavens, yes, those mis-spelled rants full of grammatical mistakes and scientific impossibilities drive me nuts too!

I reely, relly wish tey woulden do it. i mean, bunch of loosers!!!1

And that's another thing. Why can't people keep their finger on the shift key when they want multiple exclamation marks? It's not that hard. *Sigh ... *

Jaffer said...

Happy New Year Jenn !

New year's resolutions ? Oh... I have already begun mine.... I have already begun mine (rubbing chin) (evil smile)

Jenn Thorson said...

Barry- No, I did not know that Spam was a knock-off of Treet. I think there'd be a whole different feel for these junk emails if we had to call them "Treets." Sarcasm would abound.

Liquid & Tunsie- Heh, quite right about those barrels. Which makes me think those same sorts of angry vocal people from earlier generations were writing poorly spelled letters to the paper and sending them through USPS.

Jay- Also, why do they NEED so many exclamation points that they get 1's stuck in there? I mean more really isn't louder. :)

Jaffer- Hm, either you have nefarious plans or you're trying to tell me with that chin-rub you shaved the beard. :) (snicker)

Jaffer said...

Hahaha ... no my beard is still put :P
Wicked plans... umm... mebbe...

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Yeah, what Kathy said: do NOT lessen the sarcasm in 2010. Also? You are like, the queen of the metaphor today.

conditional cognition said...

I like the idea of coming up with resolutions for these people. I think you've provided them with some rather sound advice, though in a extremely hilarious fashion. You had me cracking up with the comment that "riddens is an overzealous misapplication of Hooked on Phonics." Hahahaha! Oh, that's was a good one.

Happy New Year!

Unfinished Rambler said...

Let me first get obligatory Happy New Year out of the way. Happy New Year. There...okay, now rest of comment:

I like how you went with the more relevant Charlie Sheen reference to Tiger Woods. Nicely played and keeping it on the green.

Jenn Thorson said...

Jaffer- Well, I can't wait to find out what evil you're up to. :)

Nanny Goats- Ah, yes, sometimes my metaphor machine gets all revved up and raring to go. Can't help myself.

Conditional Cognition- You wouldn't believe how many people spell it that way. It would be funny if it weren't so sad.

Unfinished Dude- Happy New Year to you, too! Re: Tiger Woods, there's nothing I can say that hasn't been said better by everybody else. Anyway, I've enjoyed some of Charlie's work-- Hot Shots, Major League, etc.-- and it's a shame he just can't pull it together.