Mr. Toad's Driver Re-Education Program


Good morning, Class! And welcome to The Wild Wood Driver Re-Education Program and Speed Addiction Management.

I am Mr. Toad, and I'll be your teacher for this re-training course.

Now, like each of you, I have committed some... erm... minor infractions of the law on our local roadways. But l am here today to show you that it is possible to become 100% rehabilitated! (And possibly work off your debt to society in a teaching capacity.)

How?

Through a clever three-step regimen of Visualization, Desensitization, and Messing About In Boats.

Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Why, Toad, but you are a creature of superior intelligence and wealth, with good friends willing to do a motorcar intervention for you. And I am a mere thick, friendless human who had an issue with road rage, speed and/or car-jacking. How am I to live up to the example you set?"

Well, just keep in mind, we are not holding you up to lofty Toad Standards, and that should alleviate any pressure you might feel.

Now: Visualization and Desensitization. (We'll get to Messing About in Boats once mine is back from the shop.) But I assure you, once you complete this part of the course, you will see a motorcar, you will sit in a motorcar, but any need for speed will be vanished from your heart like an Alpha Romeo in a straightaway!

Look here up on the projector screen, and what do you see?

Why, yes, that's right, class-- it's a photo of a Lamborghini Murcielago in sunshine yellow! Notice its aerodynamic styling. Consider its four-wheel-drive.

Picture yourself behind the wheel... All those lovely, blinking controls before you, just waiting for your next move... Sitting in its plush, ergonomic seating...

Is-- is-- is it getting warm in here?... Could someone just pop open that window please? Thank you.

Now imagine you're turning the key in the ignition... Your flipper pressing down on that gas pedal and you're giving it a few revs.... Now do you really want to see if it can go from 0 to 65 in 3.4 seconds?

In mere moments, the Wild Wood Constabulary would be hot on your trail, as you leave destruction and devastation in your wake...

As you go on to break the hearts of your friends, who simply don't understand the beauty and power of motorcars like you do.

Who really don't appreciate the feel of the wind on one's skin and the landscape roaring past so that you feel nothing could stop you... Certainly not a few pathetic, underpaid bobbies with no sense of fun and...

Ahem.

No.

You don't want to test its turbo. Instead you imagine yourself easing gently away from the curb. Safely. With no special agenda. (yawn) You look around you. You feel the calm. You listen to the purr of the engine.

The engine...

What you do not do is you don't think how much louder that engine could roar if it were pushed up to its ripping 211 miles per hour as you tear across hill and dale, kicking up dust and overturning milk carts, tearing across the bridges, watching your neighbors leap aside to safety as your eye catches sight of that horn...

Oh, that glorious, shining, melodic horn! And you take one hand from the wheel and you reach and as you press it your heart gives a thrill as you hear its beautiful, beautiful voice singing out:

"POOOT! POOTT! POOT, POOOOT!!"

Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Er.

(Click)

Here is a photo of a Geo Metro...

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11 comments:

Kevin said...

I like the image of a Lamborghini overturning a milk cart. The headline would read:

"A Future-Machine was seen in the town centre to-day, overturning milk carts, causing ladies to lose their sunhats, and causing general mayhem and consternation."

Jenn Thorson said...

Kevin- Heh, I apparently have been watching entirely too much "Doctor Who" because my brain didn't even think twice about the giant anachronism. Of course, if Toads can teach driver's ed, I suppose anything's possible. :)

Deray said...

Where do I sign up for the class? Can I just take the road-rage management section?

Jenn Thorson said...

Deray- I think Mr. Toad will have lost his job by the time he ever reaches it.

Likely by stealing the program administrator's car. :)

Deray said...

But, they would have a substitute teacher, right? Say Granny, the overly-careful, yield-for-everyone, don't-ever-honk Squirrel???

Jenn Thorson said...

Deray- Yes, I suppose you're right. They would have to. Probably someone good and safe, on leave briefly from a Beatrix Potter book. :)

nonamedufus said...

That was toad-ally awesome, Jenn.

Jenn Thorson said...

Dufus- Awww, shucks! :)

Melanie said...

:) All I want for Christmas is a bright yellow Lambrogini.

Barry said...

Did you mention that Mr. Frog sounds like James Earl Jones?

Jenn Thorson said...

Melanie- Santa might have trouble getting it down the chimney, but you can always ask. :)

Barry- Well, no, but Mr. Jones' schedule might be freed up right now. He hasn't been booked with running the Dark Side lately. We can check.