Where Have All the Plural Pants Gone?

It arrived in my Inbox this morning. "The Soft Pant."

The email claimed to be from DressBarn, but my instinctual mistrust of the denizens of the internet suggested to me it probably was porn spam. Because if there's any soft panting going on online, that's usually where it'll find ya.

But no. Further inspection revealed a strange new perspective in fashion marketing. Somewhere along the way, it seems our bum-covers have become all feisty and leg-independent-- lone wolves, toughing it out in a statement of personal destiny, rugged individualism and polyester blends.

I'd seen hints of this leghole-based libertarianism a few months ago. There was one sign in Express, and another in New York & Company, proclaiming the chic awesomeness of this or that particular "pant." I had only just mentioned it to my friend Linda, when she promptly discovered this ad in her own email...

The "tummy control pant." One pant to control them all! 

Ah, if only Frodo had enjoyed the benefits of this singular garment of belly-bulge-bracing resolve, he might have been able to finish his epic journey in the span of a standard two-hour feature film.

I admit, it has me curious just how far the ramifications of the solo "pant" go. I mean, plural pants have been a part of our language for a while now. And I don't know if I'm ready to adapt. For me, it brings up questions of consistency.

Now do we tell someone to, "Put your pant on one leg at time"?

Do we talk about who "wears the pant in the family"?

After a big meal at the SuperPanda buffet, do we lean back in our chairs and exclaim, "My pant is too tight!"?

For my British friends, in a moment of dismay, are we required to exclaim, "Oh, pant!"

And if a film really sucks, must we proclaim, "That movie was pant!"

Also, I want to know if this applies to synonyms for the two-legged garments. Will we soon be up to our navels in "trouser"? On the weekend, will we slip into our favorite pair of "jean"? Do we now go to the meeting in one fashionable "slack"?

Is this some insidious ploy by the shirt and sweater marketing associations, who've secretly felt bitter all these years for having two sleeves yet being referred to as one piece of clothing, forcing them into being united for a single cause? Is this some sly chance to urge conformity among the soft cloth funnel wearing masses?

I want to know.

In the meantime, I glance suspiciously at the "headphone" on my desk and wonder. And wait.

Context is Everything -or- I Might Be Eating Dog Treats

Marketing. I do this for a day job. So my off-duty brain is always making note of how products are positioned, what packaging looks like, and the estimated public tolerance duration for Office Camels asking Life's Great Questions like, "Anybody know what day it is?"

But I admit, a recent trip to the grocery store had my marketing brain flummoxed. Because in the Giant Eagle supermarket, in the pet food aisle, was a very unexpected display. 

Now, normally, these free-standing bins contain colorful rawhide chews... new cat food flavors described in the same manner as five-star restaurant specials... or lint rollers because--well, you haven't seen my house, but... lint rollers. 

But instead, in this small cardboard shelf--right by the refrigerator case containing products for the dog who gets back to his wolf heritage by buying prepackaged single-serving beef options as they did in the Old World when they ran out of grandmothers--here was a box of whole grain air popped crackers that came in Cheese or Barbecue. 

The chip aisle was several rows away. 

I was drawn to examine the box more closely. "Supergrains!" it told me. 

"3.5 grams of fat per serving!" it proclaimed.

"Dare," read the brand. 

So I did. Because it's so rare to find a snack that meets my very narrow dietary restrictions. Plus it didn't mention anything about "promoting a shiny, healthy coat" or being "excellent for teeth and gums," though, I'd be up for that, too.

So I now I have officially tried these Breton Popped Supergrain Crackers, and the verdict? 

Let's just say, if these are dog biscuits, you can call me "Lassie." They're delicious. And I plan to pick up another box today...

Well, right after I bury a few things and sniff some people.


Duty first, you know.

At the U.S. National Redundant Product Marketing Company Corporation of America

At the U.S. National Redundant Product Marketing Company Corporation of America, we bring to you only the most well-made products of quality. Like our pictured "Cat Toy for Cats" shown here. This popular seller is very big with customers.

Why? Because of our years of lengthy product testing, which is extensive!

You see, originally, we developed the "Cat Toy for Dogs," which was our first product and our premier item in pet toy manufacturing. Did you know that "Cat Toy for Dogs" was unpopular, and consequentially, both dogs and consumers were disinterested in it? This meant fewer sales!

So we redesigned. And with our ambitious "Cat Toy for Horses" line, we thought we might really have something. But user testing, analysis and examination showed that horses play very little ball, so the balls were not played with as much as preliminary data anticipated and expected.

We once again realized the product must be reimagined. So we took a fresh look and approached it from a different angle.

Because of this, "Cat Toy for Capybaras" was born.

In the remote jungles of the Amazon, capybaras, we discovered have very little contact with chain pet stores, because of the distance and also the desolation.

Capybaras, you may recall, are the world's largest rodents on the planet. And we discovered that even by bringing "Cat Toy for Capybaras" to the group in the wild, there was no market due to lack of interest. Additional research showed it might have been because there was no Capybara Nip available to fill the balls.

And that is when one of the fine minds at the U.S. National Redundant Product Marketing Company Corporation of America had a bright idea which was smart. Why not market "Cat Toy for Cats"?

Now, for the new millennium and well into the 2000s, we find ourselves poised on the cusp of the precipice of successful success. Here at the U.S. National Redundant Product Marketing Company Corporation of America, we now are devoted to the dedication of quality, well-made "Cat Toys for Cats".

Our successful success with "Cat Toys for Cats" now enables us to bring you a line of other product lines. Such as:

• Dog Chews for Dogs
• Reindeer Bells for Reindeer
• Hamster Wheels for Hamsters
• And
• Business Suits for Geckos

With these innovated inventions for pets and the domesticated animals you keep in your home, the U.S. National Redundant Product Marketing Company Corporation of America is working hard and slaving away to offer you the products you can always depend upon, and rely on, too!

So we would like to take this moment, to thank you for choosing U.S. National Redundant Product Marketing Company Corporation of America for your choice for all your pet needs for pets!

Wasting Away in GrammarNannyVille

I suppose it's bound to happen. Whatever your passion or trade, you get sucked into it like a nameless horror movie extra into a giant squid. Eventually, the monster of your making has digested you so thoroughly, you don't know what's you anymore and what's the squid.

It's that way for me with copy editing.

All on its own and often against my will, my brain dissects every TV commercial, all product packaging, every sign, and web ad, and spam email like my salary depends on it.

This doesn't mean I myself am Grammar Goddess in my own work-- typo and flaw-free. Oh, no! Would that it were so!...

I can mis-homonym with the best of 'em!..

My prepositions cling to the end of sentences like nobody's business!...

And my infinitives are totally split, baby!

It just means I will look at an ad like the one for Ritz Crackerfuls I saw recently. Its tagline read:

Real Cheese. Real Whole Grain. Real Satisfying.

And my stupid copyediting brain automatically chimed in:

'"'Really.' It's 'Really Satisfying. The recent informal adverb use of 'real' still isn't commonly accepted as a substitute for 'really' and--"

That's when I considered hitting myself on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. Perhaps negative reinforcement might do me some good.

In other cracker issues, there was my box of Rosemary and Olive Oil Triscuits. Now, as far as my personal tastebuds go, Rosemary and Olive Oil Triscuits are Nature's (or Nabisco's) Most Perfect Food.

I mean, if I were the witch in Hansel and Gretel, I would have totally forsaken the carbs and sugar rush and gone for a stylish cottage of fragrant, savory woven snack crackers.

But Triscuit's marketing copy on that beautiful yellow box made my petty, picayune brain complain.

"We like to think of Soft White Winter Wheat as a cashmere of wheat because of its soft texture and delicious taste."

Now, I don't know about you, but while I love the softness of cashmere almost as much as I love Rosemary and Olive Oil Triscuits... I personally haven't tasted it.

I do appreciate you, Triscuit People, I truly do-- but your metaphor? It applies to moths.

Then this week I noticed my One-A-Day VitaCraves-- basically Gummi bear vitamins for adult people-- are serving size... two.

The marketing contraditions of taking two One-A-Days daily required another newspapery whack to the nose just to bring me back from GrammarNannyVille.

And last-- because you all already can see the sick life a compulsive copy editor leads...

You know the ads for the Capital One Venture Card with the band of medieval ruffians getting into trouble on the slopes?

Well, in one scene, these Vikings-on-holiday purchase tickets for themselves and beloved livestock for the ski lift.

"Two adults and one goat, please?" Olaf the Impulsive asks.

And every time I hear this, the annoying Brainy Smurf in my head pipes up:

"You know, it would have been so much funnier if they'd said 'kid' instead of 'goat'.

"Like two adults and one child... only it's a baby goat which is also called a 'kid'?

"It's a pun, you see, and so..."

And that's when my inner Brainy Smurf gets tossed on his head. No one likes a Grammar Nanny.

Tell me- is there anything you go compulsive on whether you like it or not?

The Beauty of Boudreaux's Butt Paste

Boudreaux's Butt Paste... Just once in my life, I would like to work on marketing a product with a name like that.

Imagine going to a family reunion or visiting relatives at the holidays.

"So, Jenn, what clients are you writing for now?"

"Boudreaux's Butt Paste."

"No, really. What clients are you writing for now?"

"Boudreaux's butt paste," I'd insist.

"Well, if you didn't want to talk about work, why don't you just say so?"

My heart fills with joy at the very thought of it.

A couple of years ago, I'd had to write a tagline for a company that manufactured tubes. Oh, sorry-- matter conveyance technology.

Do you have any idea how challenging it is to write something short, catchy and yet serious about tu-- er, matter conveyance technology?

I spent two days staring at my computer screen with the most absurd slogans running through my head. Finally, I had to write them down to get them out of my system.

"Just Tube It."

"It's Tube-tastic!"

"When Only a Tube Will Do."

"Tuberiffic!"

"When Conveying Matter Matters."

Eventually, they decided to go without a slogan. Funny. I wonder why?

But with Boudreaux's Butt Paste, I wouldn't have to hold back at all. I mean, when you have a brand name like that, you tend to expect a certain amount of creative freedom with your marketing.

Getting to the Bottom of Your Baby's Rash

Pasting Butts since 1978

When You Think Butts, Think Boudreaux's

Superior for the Posterior

Baby's Bums for Boudreaux's

It's a whole world of possibilities! So, Boudreaux's folks, I'm here for ya! Just give the word, and I'll be happy to develop a whole Butt Paste Promo Plan!

Bottoms all over the country are crying out for your product! Plus, I bet I can come up with some alternate uses. A facial moisturizer! A hand cream! A squeaky hinge lubricant! A—

Hm. Do you think I gave away too much up front?

Call me.

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