"80s men spandex pants for sale"
That's what someone typed into Google and arrived at Cabbages, only to be disappointed by my serious lack of selection. (Sorry, dude! Rock on.)
And it crossed my mind that whether for personal fashion, or as a thoughtful holiday gift, previously-used spandex trousers-- no matter how well-intentioned the purchase, how well-laundered, or how much this gift might keep on giving--
Well, it still has a certain Ick Factor, doesn't it?
I mean, think about it. Spandex is made of fibers that would have Mother Nature raise an eyebrow, tug at that fabric once, and say:
"This is so not my work. Now pass the Parkay."And unlike natural fibers, spandex pants do not breathe. Their whole goal is, like, vacuum-sealing. To snuggle up tight to the skin. Like some slick fluorescent sausage casing.
Which, technically, I guess they are.
So, let's say our friend the Googler finds just the right pair of Spandex beauties. Well, these totally awesome pants are likely to have a long history of being worn to Dokken concerts, on steamy outdoor concerts in July where everyone crowd surfed and played their air guitars and head-banged themselves into mild concussion.
These pants would have seen Life!
So I figure there'd be about a 50% chance that Life is still hanging out there in the fibers.
Crashing on the sofa playing Tetris...
Lip-synching...
Biding its time...
Waiting for a new owner to struggle into them and showcase his shiny black-and-neon-green splendor.
I mean, here in Pittsburgh, we still have guys embracing The Mullet and The Tail as important fashion statements. Who's to say that, like them, the 80s cooties just haven't realized decades have passed and never stopped partying on?
Who's to say they aren't ready for another encore?
Then again, hey, maybe Nigel Tufnel, David St. Hubbins and Derek Smalls are getting back together to "Tap into America" for a holiday tour, and are just out pulling together a hot new wardrobe!
At this age, the lyrics to their hit "Big Bottom" might have to be changed a bit to discuss middle-age spread...
And the "Sex Farm" might have to be moved to the greenhouse at the retirement village...
But still. The Rolling Stones aren't gathering any moss. Who's to say Spinal Tap couldn't put the hair-band heaven back into "Hell Hole"?
In which case-- David, Derek, and especially you, Nigel-- if you really are out there planning that resurgence, and are looking for just the right pair of Spandex cellulite sucker-inners, then just remember, my dears...
Before you wear them? Turn that washing machine's "Extra Clean" cycle up to "11."
You'll thank me for it.
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PS- What 80s fashion do you folks hope won't dust itself off? Or what would you like to see come back?
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