No, I'm talking about the really useful stuff!
- There is currently no 12-step program for cookie addiction. And self-regulating cookie addicts fall off the wagon hard.
- You really can put lipstick on a pig-- though they prefer to play up the eyes.
- If you don't like one of your facial features, swap with a friend. This is the trick your plastic surgeon doesn't want you to know.
- Speaking the local language is no prerequisite for having a successful career in the chemical sciences or television cookery industries.
- Prop comics from the Vaudevillian school can be bearable in the right medium.
- City pigeons make great pets, though with improper handling they can cause jaundice.
- "Mnah-Mnah" are magic words that can make even the most tone-deaf person sing.
- Throwing an effective boomerang fish requires a very smooth snap of the wrist. Also, probably, thumbs.
- Nepotism is even found in the frog species, particularly in show business.
- Never hire a demolition company whose founder's legal first name is "Crazy."
- When playing a reed based woodwind instrument, it is always prudent to be rubber-duck-free....