Now see here, Facebook-- how can I convince you that I do not want to know?
Offline, I close my ears and childishly "la-la-la" to myself over possibly-dangerous watercooler talk.
I tell my friends "Talk to the Hand" when they start with the hearty, "Hey, did you see last night's ep--"
And I warn these good-hearted folks that mine is a No Spoiler Zone, particularly when it comes to Netflixable shows like Dexter, which I like to wait for, and savor, commercial-free.
Mother Facebook, however, has other ideas about what is good for me.
See, I had made the mistake of "Liking" Dexter on my Facebook profile. And now Mother Facebook is all up in my face, like that new agey parent who just really, really wants to be your very bestest friend and feels the most effective way to do that is by intruding all over your personal interests.
In this case, she's determined to dish the latest on Dex. She does not care that I have been trying to avoid all details of Season 5 like medieval peasants would circumnavigate a popular plague-era rat networking convention.
No, instead Mother Facebook reacts to this by flinging tidbits of info at me into the stream of my otherwise-innocuous Facebook updates. I find I'm starting to flinch every time I see Michael C. Hall's smirking mug.
"No! No! Do not WANT! Ignorance is bliss! Flee, Michael! Away with ye! We shall reconnoiter later!"
It's like Mother Facebook is that gossipy old neighbor who takes great evil pleasure in "accidentally" letting you know she saw your husband slip across the yard to that desperate soccer mom's back porch.
So it looks like I'm going to have to "Unlike" Dexter, simply to release myself from this net of unwanted joy-crushing Facebookly media spoilage. All I can think is, it's a good thing Facebook wasn't around when The Sixth Sense and The Crying Game were out.
"Find Out How Bruce Willis Felt Playing a Ghost!""Read all about how Crying Game Actor Prepped for Transgendered Role!"
Yeah, yeah, we know-- and the boat sinks and Leonardo DiCaprio dies. Thanks a lot, Mother Facebook. Thanks a friggin' lot.