Howdy! Kooky Clem here! And welcome to Kooky Clem's Oddity Attic, your "one-stop source for the stuff wives won't let ya hang in the living room if company's a-comin'."
And hooo-WEE! Do I have some deals for you today!
Now, I know, y'all were saddened... ya were broken-hearted... ya were a-wailin' and a-nashin' because ya missed out on last month's 100% hand-crafted and original example of Renaissance oil paintin' art-- big eyed pig-dog with a Carol Channing wig. But like everything else here at Kooky Clem's, regrettably there was only one. And that one went to Mrs. Ralph Murdock of 15 Horny Hollow Road, Girty, Pennsylvania for the unbelievably low price of just $17.50.
I understand from Mrs. Murdock that, as we speak, this masterpiece on velvet is hanging proudly in her guest bathroom over the needlepoint tissue cozy on the back of the john in the shape of a Southern Bell doll.
So congratulations to you, Mrs. Murdock, on your selection of a fine piece of art that not only will give folks something to look at when they're on the can, but will only appreciate over time!
Whenever I flush, I will think of you and that painting.
But don't you other folks worry. Kooky Clem has two all-new deals for you! First, for those animal enthusiasts out there...
Ya say ya feel sad when ya see those big doe eyes of your average deer trophy a-lookin' down on ya from over the La-Z-Boy sectional.
Ya say ya still want to Bring the Outdoors In, and you want to make the sophisticated statement that only hanging dead wildlife on the wall can truly bring...
Well, do I have the solution to your problems! With this stylish new Deer Butt wall trophy, you reenact all the excitement of the hunt, with none of them guilty glass eyes staring at ya...
Yes, this astounding piece of once-living sculpture reflects the Native American's tradition for using every part of the animal. So, as those hippies in the press are so fond of sayin' these days, it's eco-friendly!
And just think of the conversation it'll spur on when you entertain yer guests on Coors 'n Cards night. Oh, yer friends... they know a good thing when they see it. So why not impress them all to hell with this slice o' deer ass artistic heaven?
Just $18 to ol' Kooky Clem, and soon when the neighborhood thinks "deer's patooti," they'll think of you, with this symbol of your good taste and refinement!
But, remember, there's only one available, so act quickly!
And if ya happen to miss out on that beauty, I have one last item today I think yer gonna just go a little bananas over...
See, what we have here is an original, gen-u-wine, authenticated with provenance like they have on that there Roadshow, plastic banana chandelier, once owned by none other than Calypso great himself, Harry Belefonte...
Why, you may not know it, but he wrote that there Day-O song for the Beetlejuice soundtrack about this very light fixture!
It's made of real polyurethane yeller bananas pressed in factories right in Jamaica. And it's wrapped with actual handpicked, handwoven hemp rope. So if Buck Duggan's little secondary crop hiding there in the cornfield gets spotted by the DEA choppers again this year, you still got yourself some options.
Yessir, this here is the original Electric Banana.
So don't wait! Come on down to Kooky Clem's and make us a deal! Our trained in-house interiors designer-- my wife Ruthie Mae Jane-- says something like this would work hella good in most any DE-cor, but it would compliment yer lava lamps and Skynrd posters real nice, in particulars.
And, hey, if you got something special on your wish list, don't y'all hesitate to drop me a comment and ask.
We got all sorts of amazing goods here in the Oddity Attic, some o' which we haven't seen ourselves in years, on account of our need for expansion and the layer of dust we mistook for our missing dog, Otis.
So if you have particular needs in the Oddity department, let us know and I'll set Ruthie up with the miner's hat, some protective gear, and a length of rope, and we'll dig it up for ya from one of our packed-to-the-rafters storerooms.
I look forward to assistin' you!