Facebook Users Found Massacred in Mafia Wars

Of Cabbages and Kings Gazette-Post-Tribune-Press
by Shannon Maydup

UPPER PODUNK, MO-- Mary "The Homemaker" Johnson was taken into custody today, believed to be the Facebook Mafia Queenpin responsible for the slaughter of rival mob boss Carl "Double-Click" Willis, and members of his gang.

The Facebook Labor Day Massacre, as it has come to be known, began when both players in the popular Facebook Mafia Wars game got into a virtual territory dispute and "The Homemaker" used a secondary app to lob a horse's head at Mr. Willis.

The violence escalated to a series of taunting quizzes, poisoned virtual beverages and eventually led to a full-out physical assault by Johnson, busting into Willis' recroom with an unregistered AK-47 on the Labor Day holiday, leaving 22 picnic guests dead and seven critically wounded.

Ms. Johnson was reported as shouting, "That's for sending me that sad black sheep who needs a home for my Facebook farm app, jerk! Day after day, I had to look at that thing's stupid, sappy eyes and I couldn't give him away! So who's crying now, Double-Click? Who's crying now?"

Some Mafia Wars competitors are nervous.

Says Stephanie "the Knitter" Nelson, a first grade teacher and leader of The Needles crime family, "Today alone I saw two of my former high school classmates get iced, which is a real shame because our 20th year reunion was coming up next month. I'm not sure where it will end. Soon there'll be no one alive on Facebook to post about their lunch and stuff."

And under condition of anonymity, one Mafia Wars participant indicated he wants out and he's getting ready to flee the social media venue under an assumed name.

"I hear it might be safe over at Twitter. I get a new avatar, a new username... I keep an eye on any suspicious Followers, I block who I've gotta block... I might be able to make a new life for myself. We'll see."

But others remain swept up in the power and intrigue of the crime syndicates and plan to continue on their current path.

George "Mouseman" Evans, financial accountant and Facebook user, stated, "What, stop-- Me? Why? I just got made yesterday! Happened right between my toting up accounts payable and accounts receivable. I tell you, I've never been so proud. I had my microwave Spaghetti O's with a small bottle of Chianti just to celebrate."

Unfortunately, as of the time of publication of this story, Mouseman was found dead, face down in his microwavable lunch. Coworkers report he'd just been advising a woman he'd said he knew from college.

The case is currently under investigation.

Today's Questions:
  • Do you play Mafia Wars and every time you try to get out, do they keep dragging you back in?
  • Have you ever found a horse-head in your bed-- or a lost sad sheep on your Facebook page?
  • Do you think this is funny, do I look like a clown to you?... Or, say, Joe Pesci?


Rethoryke said...

"The Knitter" Nelson? Ha!

Jenn Thorson said...

Rhet- Any resemblance to people living or dead is completely coincidental except when it isn't and also was the first thing that popped into my head. :)

Anonymous said...

This is too funny! I'm always getting those requests for "help so and so get a cellphone" or whatever for Mafia Wars, or "so and so needs a bail of hay for their horse" on that stupid Facebook farm app.

I wish there was a way to merge the two apps so there could be "Mafia Farm Wars". Then you could lob cow manure at a mob boss.

Jenn Thorson said...

MadTexter- You know, your Mafia Farm Wars would have been a WAY better idea for the post! :) I could totally have worked with that.

And I'm negligent about my farm. I have one cow and, oh, two trees. I need John Mellencamp to sing a benefit for it.

broadbandsample said...

So Twitter serves as the venue for virtual witness protection.

Jenn Thorson said...

BroadbandSample-- SHHHHH, don't say it so loud! The walls have ears. :)

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I remain Facebookless, but you make it sound kind of fun.

ReformingGeek said...

On Facebook, I run screaming from Farmtown, quizzes, gifts, memes, and Mafia Wars. I'm trying very hard not to get sucked into the vortex. I may not survive long, though.

Tarra Slovan said...

viral mob boss would be better.

Jenn Thorson said...

Meg- I can kinda see you out there running your own virtual mafia. :)

ReformingGeek- I'm the same. I'd started out playing along but then saw quickly it was going to be a giant time-suck.

Tarra- Better than... what? Being a viral mob flunkie? Absolutely. I mean, sure you'd be a target and you'd have to watch your taxes (we know evasion has taken down at least one boss in particular). But you'd have others to do most of the dirty work.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Carl "Double Click" Willis. I love it!

In response to your questions:

Yes, I play, and yes, I get dragged back in.

No and no.

Threaten me again, and you'll soon be saying hello to my leeeeetle friend!

Babs-beetle said...

Shhhhh. Don't say a word. I'm under cover of my sweet, winking avatar ;)

Anonymous said...

This is why I prefer Tetris. Blocks aren't sentient, and therefore aren't known for nursing inflated egos... and packing tommy guns.

Anonymous said...

It is a giant time-suck, but unlike in your news piece, you can keep coming back to life. It's like zombies. You should play :).

Jenn Thorson said...

Mike- Just don't end up frozen in the freezer. If you begin to hear the strains of Clapton's "Layla," run.

Babs- But I thought this week on your site you were spending most of your time in a Halloween monster disguise! :) (That video totally made me laugh.)

Tony- No, that's Tetris 2.0, now with 100% More Tommy Guns. :)

UnfinishedDude- No, I barely have enough time to get done what I aim to as it is. I don't want to add temptation.

Waltsense.com said...

hmmm...i wonder if I should play but then I realize if its one more thing that distracts me from my real work - could be trouble. blogging and pimping the blog now takes over internet surfing...and close to actually working...hah. But what scares me of these wars is the complete strangers who befriend me on twitter...its creepy and annoying.

Jenn Thorson said...

Walt- I haven't gotten befriended by strangers on Twitter for Mafia purposes. But I keep getting people wanting me to see naked photos of Britney Spears. I'm not sure why they think I'm in the market for them. But that's social media for ya.