The Fourth Grade Bullying Program


Glancing through the search terms which reached Of Cabbages and Kings yesterday, I noticed a particular one which read "fourth grade bullying program."

Now, Cabbages certainly has told its share of tales of the epic battle of Average Kid versus Knuckle-Dragging Bully. (You can check two of my favorites out here and here, iffin' you're interested.)

And in looking at the phrase, "fourth grade bullying program," I'm fairly sure the person sought something regarding bully prevention.

Something formalized...

School-supported....

And probably not involving smacking the heck out of the bully on the playground with a metal Dukes of Hazzard lunchbox.

Just guessin' on that, though.

Anyway, upon seeing the words, "fourth grade bullying program" my sick and somewhat poorly-caffeinated mind at the time instantly thought, "Why would anyone want a program that trains bullies?"

Realizing my error, I got to wondering what a bully training program would actually involve. And to borrow a phrase from comedian Bob Newhart, I think it might go something like this...


Teacher: Good morning, students! I'm Mr. Pugilist and I'd like to welcome you all today to "Bullying 101." I thought we'd start off our time together today by getting a sense of your current overall skill level in the subject. That way I can get a feel for what exactly we need to cover and how much...

Now who here has performed a Swirlie in the last year? A Swirlie? That's taking a kid's head, sticking it in the toilet and flushing...

Anyone? Just raise your hand...

Okay, no Swirlies.

...All right, now who has done a Wedgie in the last 12 months or so? Giving the underwear a really good yank up the posterior crack?...

Hm, no to that too, huh?

Well, that's fine... We'll cover that next week, then.

Okay, so who has recently called another kid out for an after-school fist fight?

One... two... three... All right, that's not bad. I was getting a little worried for a minute there.

Good! Well, today, I thought we would begin with one of the tried-and-true bullying classics, "Knocking Books Across the Hallway. "

I'm going to need a volunteer for this.... Who'll volunteer?

What, no volunteers? Okay, how about... um.... you... in the second row... the pasty-face four-eyes wimp there...

See how I did that? (chuckle) That's Trash Talking. But don't worry about tackling that right now. We'll be going over that at the end of the week.

Excellent! You, son... what's your name?... Billy? Why, that's a nice name, Billy. Named for your father, were you? "William." Good strong name, William. Yes? Great!

Well, from now on I'm going to call you "Dead Meat."

Now, Dead Meat-- take this stack of books in your arms... Very good!

And now, don't look at me, and just pretend you're walking down the school hallway on your way to class. That's right, right down the aisle there.

Whistle a little, if you like.

Okay, class, now watch this carefully. See, where I'm standing here along to the side? Now, timing is extremely important here. I mean, your timing is off, you'll have to abort the whole thing.

All right, so Dead Meat is walking along-- keep walking Dead Meat-- and right as he's about to step parallel to me, I am going to....

Whoa!!! See what I did there, class? Yes, Dead Meat is on the floor and his books are--

Oh, sorry, Mrs. Evans! Didn't think that book would get quite that kind of distance. (laughs) Yes, we'll close the classroom door in the future. My bad!

So did you see that, class? What I did there was-- get up, Dead Meat, we're going to show the class the technique-- Dead Meat was here, and the moment he went to take that step, I stuck my foot out in his path, and then, as part of the combination, I shoved Dead Meat with a forward motion.

Now, I know what you're thinking. I could rely on just the foot to do all the work. But by adding the force of the push behind Dead Meat, that's how I managed to get the extra distance on Dead Meat's physics book.

And-- oh, what's that, the bell? Already? Well, you know what they say, time flies when you're...

Okay, well, that looks like all the time we have for today. For homework, I want each of you to give this a try, and write up a one page report and a diagram of the results.

Tomorrow, we're going to cover Stuffing a Kid in His Locker. I think you'll find it really useful.

Class dismissed!

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25 comments:

Karen said...

I'd like to sign up for this class please. But for adults. Maybe it could cover issues like...executive washroom swirlies, how to give a wedgie to a person wearing thong underwear, how to get a really good copy of your butt/boobs/face/armpit on the new copy machine, sabataging the high heels of the office slut, and snatching toupees off of, well, anybody. Sign me up baby!

Jenn Thorson said...

Karen- Heh, so, how often exactly ARE you in your company's HR office having a little discussion? :) Actually, once I very narrowly resisted ripping off someone's very bad, very obvious toupee... And somehow I think I'm probably not the only one. :)

JD at I Do Things said...

I love Karen's suggestion: an adult version of the Bullying Program. Mine would involve lessons on how to put that smug jerk in my aerobics class in her place. SHE THINKS SHE'S SO COOL!

Funny post, m'dear. And you know the funniest ideas always have a tinge of truth. I think there really IS a Bullying Program. Otherwise, how do these kids get so good at it?

JD at I Do Things

Jenn Thorson said...

JD- Hm... I'm starting to sense a theme of deep underlying aggression here... :)

In the world of Kiddom, a bullying program really would seem to make sense. My main bully was very creative about it. She had to have had lessons.

DeadRooster said...

Billy?

William?

DEAD meat?

I'm starting to feel self-conscious...

(reaching into Jenn's subconscious: William at Dead Rooster is NOT a bully)

Jenn Thorson said...

Rooster- Aw, now is the Rooster feeling a little chicken? (Ooh, gosh, that actually sounds rather fowl when you think about it... ) :)

Nope, t'was nothing personal my fine feathered friend.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I think there needs to be an on-line course as well. Cyber-bullying is big these days!

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

Love the hat, Jenn.

ReformingGeek said...

Poor Dead Meat. What a sucker!

Jenn Thorson said...

Prefers Her Fantasy Life- Well, indeed it is, but I think the trolls really have that down all on their own. And thanks-- this is the only hat that doesn't mess up my hair! :)

ReformingGeek- Ah, but don't feel TOO sorry for Dead Meat!-- Remember, he'll be out there giving it good to the Regular Joes of Kiddom, for his homework assignment. It'll all balance out for him in the end.

Babs (Beetle) said...

You're a bit good at this. Are you sure you wasn't a bully?

Great post ;O)

Jenn Thorson said...

Babs- Unwilling participant. :) The same level of learning, but none of the fun.

Da Old Man said...

You know, this is just the thing for kids who are too involved in soccer and other "wholesome" activities.
Have you ever considered a course for home schooled kids, who would probably enjoy some neighborhood bullying?

Melanie said...

Oh, homeschooled kids could really benefit from a program like this! I knew a guy named Rob once and I'm pretty sure he'd gone thru this course. But then by the time he got to sixth grade he ended up with a crush on me and well, loves trumps bullying.

Jenn Thorson said...

Da Old Man- You are an INNOVATOR, Joe! An Innovator, I say! Trust you to always add that extra something just right to an idea-- yes, absolutely, it would be a great expansion program. Would you care to head it up? I mean, I know you grew up on the mean streets of Jersey Catholic school. You've known pain.

Melanie- See? You and Joe have pinpointed a whole target audience I was missing!

Chat Blanc said...

oh I'd definitely show up for the how to stuff a kid in his locker lesson! except I might be the kid stuck in the locker. I might need to rethink that!

Drowsey Monkey said...

Yeah, I think you may have misunderstood.

Hey - I was driving home today and 'rocking around the Christmas tree' came on the radio and I thought of you! LOL!!!! And I sang along.

Jenn Thorson said...

Chat Blanc- Well, Mr. Pugilist always needs volunteers from the class.... :)

Drowsey- Oh noes! I guess I should be glad at least someone is out there enjoying that song. Hear it 20 more times in a 24 hour period though, and get back to me. :)

Da Old Man said...

An aside: I am working on "that song" and trying to figure out exactly what it is about it that is so weird. It's some sort of accent/strange speech pattern. Almost like yodeling, but not quite.

kalos_eidos said...

LOL! Regarding the lunchbox reference...reminds me of when I was in kindergarten. There was an older boy that used to bully me and some of the other kids, try to make us cry.

I told my mother about it one day, and she told me that the next time he did it, to whack him on the head with my lunch box. It was a metal one, too. So the next day, he teased and I whacked! Not only was he the one crying that day, he never bullied me again!

Jenn Thorson said...

Da Old Man- You mean my Brenda Lee Problem Song? (Shudder) I think it defies explanation. :)

Kalos- Your story sounds very, very familiar. My experience was essentially the same! And those metal lunchboxes were really ideal as anti-bully defense, weren't they? :)

Barry said...

I could never fit in our lockers they were those half-sized jobs. :)

commonsmith said...

Bullying should come naturally - a bit of independant flair is always better than bullying by the book haha

ettarose said...

Damn, I had no idea. I learned to bully the boys all on my own. I see now how good I could have been.

Jenn Thorson said...

Barry- Ah, you missed out on an important part of the whole Bullying Experience, then. :)

Commonsmith- I agree, a bit of personal creativity thrown in really adds something to a good Bullying-- makes it memorable. :)

Ettarose- Well, you know how kids have it so much easier these days than we did. I mean, they get so much support these days, and we were sort of left to our own devices for things like career planning and Bullying.