Tastebuds, Get Packin'

The tastebuds are gonna have to go.

You see, I'm trying to lose a little weight. And initially, I thought I could do this by getting up early to exercise-- you know, to do silly arm-waving movements in my basement for 45 minutes a day? I used to do this regularly.

But now I'm also at work by 7:30am. Which means "early" for me involves a time of the morning somewhere between:

  1. The time when stupid villagers normally choose to try to go kill Dracula, and
  2. The time when the villagers are all either dead on the floor of the crypt, or out-and-about looking a little pale and hungry... (Pretty much like I am when I diet.)

Well, the first week of exercise, I tried tricking myself into getting up super-early. I even set my alarm fifteen minutes ahead so I would not SEE that the clock actually read 4:45am. Because while 5:00am is bad enough, 4:45 is EVIL and WRONG and looking at the clock then will burn out your retinas. Retinas which I will need for reading caloric contents.

The problem with this routine was that I am also not very smart in the morning.

Okay, "not very smart" is an understatement-- I am an amnesiac with an IQ well-below that of the average unschooled hamster in the morning.

I don't know my own name until about 6:00am, and even in getting up and grabbing coffee, I have been known to do things like put the creamer away in the dish cabinet. This makes doing more complex tasks like getting into exercise clothing, while uncaffeinated, virtually impossible.

Sports bras do not serve their greater purpose as scarves, is all I'm sayin'.

So, this has led me to try to eat healthier. Which I have been doing. I've replaced my favorite lunchtime broccoli cheese soup with a bowl of Cheerios and a banana. I've consumed tiny carrots. I've bought soy ice cream as a treat.

And I've grown to hate, just a little bit, one of my friends who is stick-skinny and gets all excited when there are peas on the salad bar. I will eat the salad, yes, I will. But darned if I'm gonna go into end-zone dances over PEAS.

So I think it would go more smoothly if my taste buds were removed. My taste buds and, perhaps, the part of my brain which remembers vividly things like what a hot roast beef sandwich with French fries and gravy tastes like. Because currently I'm going through the grocery store like this:

Me: Must buy more Cheerios and 2% milk.

Brain: OOH! Look! Barbecue potato chips! We love those!

Me: No! NO barbecue potato chips! Cheerios. And 2% milk.

Brain: Oh, that's right-- We're dieting. We're being smart and good and using our willpower and-- HEY! Macaroni and cheese in cute little containers! Do you remember how much we used to love macaroni and cheese-- you know, before we were dieting?

Me: NO. NO macaroni and cheese! Cheerios and--

Brain: Oh, I can still almost taste it-- that cheese all gooey... Maybe baked with some breadcrumbs and sharp shredded cheddar on the top?

Me: (growling) Cheerios. And 2% milk. And bananas.

Brain: WOW, bananas! We like bananas!

Me: Yes, we do. So let's go get some bananas.

Brain: Cool!...



...Hey, you know what goes good with bananas? Chocolate! Chocolate is GREAT on frozen bananas. Remember when we used to have those as a kid? Didn't we just love that?

So this is what I'm up against. If the buds were gone, and if I just couldn't remember what I was missing, I think I could really make this lifestyle shift work. Without taste buds, peas might have a fun texture I could get jazzed about. And without the food-memory part of the brain, cheese and chocolate would never become an issue. The Brain could think: "Hey, Cheerios and milk" and we'd leave it at that.

So-- here's the thing: do you think tastebudectomies are available sort of like LASIK surgery? Because, you know, I think there's a market for that.


Low fat humor doesn't leave a leave a bad taste in your mouth at Humor-blogs.


Greg said...

Don't forget snowpeas are nice and crunchy--that might help with your texture issues.

As for the chocolate cravings, what about an old fashioned eggcream...2% milk with some Hershey's syrup(fat free) and then top off with some plain seltzer for the fizz and the foam!

As for the exercising...what about after dinner? It'd give you that little burst of energy you'd need for blogging and still get u to bed at a decent time...

May the force be with you!!

Alice said...

If tastebudectomies existed, I'd have had one by now. Instead I trudge my ass to the gym 3-4 times a week and then return home to quickly consume the calories I just burnt off. Good luck to you!

Jenn Thorson said...

Greg- Heh- thank you, young Jedi!

Alice- ah, well, you're in the South-- you HAVE to consume those calories, there are WAY too many wonderful dishes in the South to enjoy. :)