Paws from The Cos

Bill Cosby gave me a dog this week. Well, not ME specifically. ("Cos" and I don't chat that much, though I am very pro-pudding.) No, I meant Carnegie Mellon University and alumni like me.

I hadn't known we needed one.

But The Cos assures us it's just what we've been missing all along. So the Scottish terrier-- which will make its grand entrance next September-- will become the University's first live mascot. Mr. Cosby feels "the dog raises one's self esteem."

Imagine that? All those years ago in college, when I was suffering from sleep-deprivation, and no money, and a deep over-achiever's fear of failing "Stats for Poets" and ruining my entire life, I would have felt better about myself, if I'd just hung out with more creatures who drank out of the toilet.

Well, "live and learn," I always say.

The dog's costume, I understand, is being unveiled during this Spring Carnival. And-- because of founder Andrew Carnegie's Scottish heritage-- I'm imagining it will be something on the plaid and kilt side...

If so, I hope there's a mini-bagpipe involved.

But given the school's unique "technology plus the arts" balance, I think I could also be happy seeing him in:
  • A tiny space suit with a helmet shaped like a beret...
  • Wee business attire complete with power tie and a pocket protector filled with pens and paintbrushes...
  • And MY personal fav-- Electronic gear which can transform the mascot from a dog, to a robot, to an avant garde art installation piece
I can see other benefits to having our furry Scottish mascot, too. Like really putting the fear into the opposing football teams.

What? You don't see the possibilities of this?

Let me explain. Scotties have sharp little teeth and aren't afraid to use them. Believe me, I know. My next door neighbor had a 17-year-old Scottie named Ulysses who was completely blind and stone deaf. But you pet him, and he would sink that row of razor blades into your hand like the mother alien in that Sigourney Weaver film. No hesitation.

So I think the new sports team logo should depict a Scottie biting an opponent's leg, preferably right around the Achilles tendon to show we really mean business.

Plus, we'll have the only mascot who will bark with a brogue. This is perfect, because no one will be able to understand what the Scottie's saying on the field. He can trash-talk the other team and get away with absolute murder! And the best part is, there won't be a single thing the referees can do about it. We'll just cite cultural differences.

There may be a down side to this, however. Somehow I suspect the next time my home phone rings, I'm going to be asked to give donations to... oh... the new "Carnegie Kibble Fund for Underprivileged Scottish-American Canines." Or the "Angus MacBark Obedience School Scholarship Drive."

And though I'd like our new mascot to have the quality-of-life and education he needs, most of us have only recently paid off our student loans. It's dog-eat-dog out there in today's economy.

Personally, I'd always wanted a pony.


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You know, no one makes the mascot kitten of Humor-blogs wear little outfits.

5 comments:

Joanna said...

TRASH TALKING!?!?! YOU BET!!!! Scotties are the royalty of trash talking. I had to keep my girl, Gwen on a leash at the doggy park. The worst part was that she'd go after the pitbulls as if they had targets on them! Scotties are LOYAL and protect THEIR OWN fiercely. I've a friend in UK who has 4 of them and when she's out walking them, other dogs cross to the other side. They don't even need a veger. People just move out of the way. Yet at home ad hearth, there is never a more fun loving and wonderful breed. And if there are any mice or rats in a building, they are a GREEN and totally organic an natural way of pest control. Last time out at an organic fruit ranch, Gwen and my Cairn got 163 mice and rats dispateched with a steak as a reward/payment.

I was so delighted that CMU decided FINALLY get a mascot.... And eve more so that my hero is donating a splendid specimen to CMU. If they play
Yale, Eli better watch out as he can't run as fast as a Scottie!

Another bonus: now Scottie lovers will buy LOTS of CMU merchandise just because there's a Scottie on it. Way to go .... good lesson for business majors.

Jenn Thorson said...

Thanks, Joanna, for that passionate pro-Scottie perspective! :)

Yes, with Scotties I always have images of cops in PG Wodehouse short stories being chased, bitten and knocked off their bicycles.

Small, but mighty.

Take care, and thanks for stopping by!

Thory said...

Oh, there's been Scottie merchandise at Carnegie Mellon for ages, some even adorned with that absolutely horrendous Carnegie plaid...

For most alumni, the green, blue, red, and yellow plaid is a small symbol, maybe seen on a favorite coffee mug, or on a treasured Graduation program. A memento.

For others of us, it's a wooly fashion statement: something that actually hangs in our closets [or in my case, is currently peering down at me from the top of a china cabinet, demanding a trip to the drycleaners]....in every academic procession, I've got to wear that plaid draped down my back, bordered in blue velvet.

I should look at the bright side, though. If I had to add a Scottie dog to the ensemble, some smart-aleck would insist I start wearing ruby slippers, too, and that is SO never happening.....

Joanna said...

If you were to take the protection of a Scottie in some academic procession, whoever made the comment about the 'ruby slippers' would only be showing his/her ignorance. The ruby slippers would refer to Dorothy in the 'Wizard of Oz' and THAT dog was the fearless Cairn Terrier, NOT a Scottie. There is a rather distinct difference. Scotties are bigger, stockier shorter legged, longer of muzzle. I won't say that one is better than the other as I have both breeds. My terrier girls are the best team when it comes to dispatching vermin for friends' ranches and orchards. They are 'green' and organic and have a blast doing it; it's what both breeds were meant to do.

So don't worry about some uncultured oaf making the ruby slippers comment. Take the Scottie and just make sure it has had obedience training.

Jenn Thorson said...

Hi Joanna- while I certainly appreciate your perspective, the commentor is actually a good friend of mine who I've known in real life for years and years and whose sense of humor I know well.

Anyway, since this is designed to be humor blog, I'm prepared to find the fun in everything-- in fact, I'll go first!... I'm putting on a gorilla suit and slipping on a banana even as we speak.