Showering at the Hobbitday Inn

Normally, I get very jazzed about hotel showers. I love the fresh towels that I have not had to personally launder... the teeny shampoo bottles... the courtesy shower gels with words like "butter" in them (they could only be better if they read "bacon," too)... and the gusty jets of water that can both massage aching, travel-worn shoulders and shoot you straight into a holiday destination several states over if you set it just right.

But I had no idea that in the last year my favorite hotel had turned into the Hobbitday Inn.

At least, as was proven by the bathroom improvements.

Oh, sure, at first glance the photo above looks like a normal shower stall. Just one of those newfangled jobbies with the detachable shower heads, so you can, I don't know, go spelunking in your personal nooks and crannies.

(Meaning, ya hesitate to touch the thing due to its lengthy and somewhat nebulous public spelunker heritage.)

But this shower head seemed to be at the default setting for the non-elf-or-human cast of Lord of the Rings. So without touching it much, I slid the shower head clamp up as high as it would go on its pole. Which at my five-foot eight, it came roughly shoulder height.

Not super for rinsing out tiny shampoo, granted, but it guaranteed me a very squeaky-clean shoulder-neckish region. Sometimes in travel, we must make concessions.

So I turned on the water. I grabbed tiny shampoo and...

"CLUNK!"

A rush of water goosed me like I was a torpedo-bosomed 50s secretary at a used car salesman's convention.

I leapt sideways and turned, accusingly. The shower head looked guilty.

Also possibly like it had been drinking.

"Naughty boy," I scolded it, and moved it back up to shoulder height. I pushed the little black button on the bottom of it, to lock it in place. I stepped back in anticipation of further unruliness. It quivered slightly at my admonition, but held.

"Good." I reached down to pick up the tiny shampoo, which was circling in the water like a life raft for mini-Gilligan and...

"CLUNK!"

And WWWWHOOSSSHHH!

I reeled two feet forward from the trauma of a second fixtural assault.

"Okay. We need to talk," I told the faucet head firmly.

It gushed out a shower of apologies, as these repeat offenders tend to do. And I moved the shower head up two feet once more.

The shower head stayed but looked away, turning its head with feigned guilt to the wall. The bastard.

"You've lost my trust," I said, and decided I'd better keep an eye on this bad boy. I fumbled for the tiny shampoo without taking my eyes off my assailant. I seized the bottle, and lathered the stuff through my hair. All seemed well.

Suspiciously well.

It was as I began the rinsing routine that I started to realize...

Was I getting... taller?

No, the shower head was slowly, quietly, stealthily sinking, millimeter, by millimeter, back to its lecherous agenda.

Reluctant to turn away, I bent to follow it. Soon I was crouching. Then kneeling. Down, down, down we both slid, until BUMP! I was washing my hair while sitting on the bottom of the tub.

Cleanliness is next to Hobbitness, apparently.

And it's all good unless you mind going soapy to Second Breakfast.

18 comments:

MAFW said...

I think I've stayed in that exact same room...but what happened to me was I reached for the ever so small bottle of shampoo floating just out of my reach when old letch blasted me and my torpedos straight back to 1955. Mind you, I sure showed him; I hit the off button, exited the shower and gave myself a spectacular whor*'s bath straight from the bathroom sink! They ought to not go changin' things...

Jenn Thorson said...

MAFW- Ha! So you know of what I speak!!

You had the right idea about changing tactics. I was foolishly determined to finish what I'd started. It took WAY longer than it should have. I think I ran up their water bill....

And GOOD.

Deray said...

I always have problems with hotel bathrooms. Last time I stayed in one there was no inner curtain and the outside one was not big enough to close the whole thing with the end result of the tiny bathroom being flooded after I took a shower. I've never encounter a hobbit-size shower though, that must have sucked.

cmk said...

As a very hobbit-sized, barely 5-foot tall woman, I have the opposite problem in hotel bathrooms: I rarely can reach the shower head without having to stand on the edge of the tub. I've actually considered buying a small step ladder to lug around whenever we travel, but The Husband rather frowns on things like that. :)

ReformingGeek said...

That was hilarious. Evil Twin wet herself laughing so hard.

It looks like what my husband installed for his mom and she sits down to bathe and she's short.

I can't believe the hotel paid money for those things. They look like a maintenance nightmare and they won't take the wear and tear.

Maybe the next person in the room won't be quite as nice. That thing may get ripped from the wall.

laughingmom said...

That's a good shower for short-uns like me. I don't know what hotels are thinking these days. Last place we stayed had showers set on stun. My hubby came out and swore that it had pierced both his nipples with the pin point spray!

meleah rebeccah said...

Oh girl, you made my day with this blog post. I am laughing so hard right now, I can barley type!

I am only 5 foot 3 inches, on a good day...but that shower sounds like it would have damaged even the littlest of people.

livelaughloveliquor.com said...

MOMMAMIA SENT ME, AND I AM GLAD SHE DID! HILLARIOUS!!

Melanie said...

:) LOL! Great post Jenn!

I'm 5'9". Hotel showers tend to hit me somewhere in the vicinity of my shoulders. The last place I stayed had shower heads turned to "stun" setting. Or maybe they were trying to blast my skin right off.

Gina said...

Wonderful writing. Favorite line:

"It gushed out a shower of apologies...."

Made me spew with laughter!

JaneneMurphy said...

That showerhead had quite the personality! Hilarious story, Jenn.

Jenn Thorson said...

Deray- I've been in those no-shower-curtain-liner ones, too. So you have to tuck the shower curtain ITSELF into the tub, making THAT soaked.

CMK- Because the ladder doesn't fit well in carry-ons and then you get charged extra for checking it, right? :)

Reforming Geek- I can't help but think the person who hung these, too, had to be really short. Because even at it's highest point, it still is too low for the average male or a tall female.

Laughing Mom- Ah, that was one of those massage showers... if, y'know, massages were like rugburns.

Meleah- It would have fought you, certainly. But, hey, you could have blogged about it. :)

LiveLaughLoveLiquor- Well, I appreciate you stopping by! Welcome!

Melanie- Sandblasting. It's really good for exfoliation. :)

Gina- Towel? (hands her a towel)

Janene- It was nefarious, I tell you.

Spaz said...

Duh, that's the crotch sprayer, very popular amongst the females. You must have gotten the perverts room.

Nick Thomas said...

Do you often talk to your shower heads? That's ok, as long as you don't hear them talking back.

angelawd said...

I...I just can't stop laughing...wish I had something more intelligent to say but I keep thinking "spelunking in your personal nooks and crannies." Bwahahaha!

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I don't like hotel showers, mostly because I'm never sure they're really as clean as they look. This one of yours, however, I might have shot. The nerve!

Jay at The Depp Effect said...

Hahahahaa! I've met some sneaky hotel showers in my time but never a sneaky hobbit-shower like this one!

Remind me to take a roll of duct tape with me on my next travels!

Junk Drawer Kathy said...

Oh, this is hilarious Jenn! I loved this: "A rush of water goosed me like I was a torpedo-bosomed 50s secretary at a used car salesman's convention."

The only problem I ever had in a hotel shower was in Paris. Over there, they don't totally enclose the shower, only putting up a vertical half wall, which means I got wet, but so did the floor. I learned to make my showers short by the end of the trip so as not to get kicked out by the hotel staff for flooding the bathroom time and time again.