I Will Not Write About Charlie Sheen

It's a humor blogger's dream. And it's got everything...

Madness!

Megalomania!

Magic!

And Men (2.5, to be specific).

But today I will not write about the very public mental implosion of Charlie Sheen-- thespian, comedian and, um, vengeance-filled warlock.

See, that would be just so easy. And here at Of Cabbages and Kings, the Cabbage likes to take the road less traveled.

(I mean, it kinda has to take the road less traveled. It's a leaf vegetable. It has no legs. And rolling in the center of a busy highway is just asking for trouble.)

So today I will not talk about Charlie Sheen.

I will not make jokes about how "Two and a Half Men" wasn't meant to refer to the total number of people starring in the sitcom...

It's the number of distinct personalities in Charlie Sheen's head. (I think of it like the Three Faces of Eve" but downsized.)

I will not make cracks about how if Mr. Sheen does, indeed, have "tiger blood" as he states then perhaps he's right-- he doesn't need AA...

Just a good vet.

I will not suggest that because of his "Adonis DNA," this living god simply cannot OD or die of liver cancer or venereal disease, as so many of us have predicted.

Charlie is immortal. So long as he gets a restraining order on all wild boars, and doesn't piss off Artemis, he's golden.

Because I won't write about Charlie Sheen, I will not point out that if Charlie Sheen has "always had a plan and have always executed it perfectly" as he suggests, then how does he account for this choice of haircut?


Or The Three Musketeers?

I will not say any of these things. Because my non-rockstar-warlock mind simply cannot process the wonder properly.

Plus, I can't afford a curse on the blog. I have to think of you, the safety of my nice readers, first.


34 comments:

Jen said...

I'm so glad you have taken the high road on this one. I can't but it's go to know someone can. I really do wish he would schedule some of his antics. He was just on Live over at NBC because this kids were (finally) taken out of the house. It's messed up my shower schedule and set my whole day akimbo.

ReformingGeek said...

Haha! The guy is a few bricks short of a load, missing a few cards from his deck, has a huge screw loose in his head.....

....and this guy reproduces, drives a car and votes.

Scary.

Rachele said...

Glad to see the kids were removed since that basically is what my post is about. I say we all ignore him. It's just not pretty.

Jenn Thorson said...

Jen- It may seem very inconsiderate of him, but you have to accept he must have a Higher Plan. One our tiny minds cannot comprehend.

Reforming Geek- He isn't the first and won't be the last, I imagine.

Rachele- Yes, his kids deserve better. I can only imagine what living with that must be like.

June said...

Hi,

Good point about his haircut. I'd overlooked that angle.

I'm very new to the world of blogs. I was poking around online, read through some of your archives, and found myself very amused. Thank you!

junebug said...

"Just a good vet" LMAO!!! Fantastic!

Good for you for staying above the bottom feeders and not dropping yourself to the level of poking fun at an injured animal.

Margaret (Nanny Goats) said...

Good for you, resisting the temptation to stoop so low.

nonamedufus said...

Way to not tell it like it is, Jenn. I admire your restraint.

Travis said...

How honorable of you to not make fun of him. I lambasted him, AND pitched him the best movie idea ever.

http://bit.ly/emoeui

Jenn Thorson said...

June- Welcome to the wide world of Blogging!! Glad to have you aboard. I hope you find it as rewarding as I have over the last few years.

Junebug- Just doing what I can for humanity. :)

Margaret- Um, yeah. No stooping here. (WOW that ant looks large at this level!)

Nonamedufus- I try to not tell it like it is as often as I can't.

Travis- He'll be grateful-- he's going to need that backup career, I think. Y'know, when he's not being a warlock and stuff.

Dave White said...

Here's where I feel obligated to point out that "I will not dignify that with a response" is, actually, a response...

Jenn Thorson said...

Dave- Annnnnd here's where I point out that that was the point. :) But I guess that was the point of your point of my point.

injaynesworld said...

Good of you to take the high road, except I laughed my ass off, fell off a cliff and now I'm lying in a puddle of my own body fluids down here on the low road.

June said...

Thanks, Jenn. And I don't think you should feel pressured to take the high road. The low road is so greatly underrated.

June

Jenn Thorson said...

Jayne- I shall extend to you a virtual hankie, some virtual bandages, and a virtual medic.

June- I actually am grateful to Mr. Sheen as he helped me out of a tight spot this week; I wasn't really feeling the funny, and he gave me ample material to work from. :)

The Absence of Alternatives said...

Thank you for NOT writing about Charlie Sheen. You NOT-wrote nicely. ;-)

I hope he recovers, oh sorry I misspoke, I hope WE become able to process him. He is after all Wolverine...

HumorSmith said...

Apparently there is a Joaquin Phoenix School of Stardom.

Jenn Thorson said...

Absence- A magic-wielding-fire-fisted-Wolverine. He needs "ninja" in there somewhere. I can't believe he left out "ninja."

Humorsmith- Or as one of my friends suggested, he's been talking to Randy Quaid.

Linda said...

Ah, great restraint in not writing about you-know-who. It's tough, but somebody's got to not do it.

Jenn Thorson said...

Linda- Ah, thank you much. Next week I plan to not write about even more topics! :)

Jhess said...

Another Great post I must say. I have at least 4 post on my blog about Charlie Sheen and they are some of the more popular ones. I hope society is not watching a slow motion car wreck here because Charlie needs some help before it's to late. Check out my blog for all the Charlie Sheen post.

Lauren said...

There must be a Harry Potter influence here. I can't believe he has five kids and two porn stars.

Charlie said...

Kudos on your restraint, Jen. Charlie's making himself -- and all of us unfortunate namesakes -- look bad enough all by himself.

Remember way back when it seemed Emilio Estevez was the one destined to fly off the deep end someday?

Good times.

Babs-beetle said...

I can't pretend to know too much about this man....er....warlock, but what I have seen and read this last couple of days is pretty jaw dropping!

I like the way you don't add fuel to the Charlie Sheen fire, by not writing about him.

meleah rebeccah said...

BRAVO! This is the best post NOT about Charlie Sheen EVAH!

"Two and a Half Men" should be renamed "Two and a Half Grams"

Ferd said...

I'm glad you won't write about Charlie Sheen.

And I won't LOL at "a god's hair never uses too much product!"
;-)

Sandra said...

Well thank goodness for that! I thought I was going to have to relive his warlockness through your words, but you saved us of that torture...however, can I just say: Seriously? Is he serious? I think he's going to be the most famous actor in the history of actors because he's going looney.

Janna said...

I was going to comment, but right now I'm just too mesmerized by that giant striped shirt.

(*eyes begin glowing*)

Jenn Thorson said...

Jhess- The more he speaks the more it's obvious the guy needs help. But a car wreck it definitely is.

Lauren- I didn't know Harry Potter lived with porn stars!... But, then, I read the American versions. Maybe the original British versions were different. :)

Charlie- I'm sorry he's making it difficult for all you Charlie's out there. Personally, I prefer "Charlies" over "Chucks." You all may recover from this slur on your names with time. :)

Babs- Yeah, I was wondering how much this madness had leaked over to the UK. Wasn't sure if BBC showed Two and a Half Men there. I know when I visited last you had a lot of programs of ours playing there. (Sorry!!! :) )

Meleah- Hey, great idea-- you should totally pitch that to CBS.

Ferd- I spent part of a season trying to figure out what was going on with his more recent godly -do. Whatever it is, it's not a good thing.

Sandra- It's certainly one of the biggest celeb psychological explosions I've seen that I can recall. It sort of makes Tom Cruise's couch jumping seem tame.

Janna- When I snap my fingers you will have forgotten all about this post... and you will cluck like a chicken.

jenifer624 said...

I'm SO glad you didn't write about Charlie Sheen. #TrainWrecks are hard to watch without leavening them with a little humor. ;-)

On the (more serious) upside, there's Robert Downey, Jr, who at the Oscars pre-show looked healthy (think "hot") and happy (think "centered") and sober (think "no drug induced psychosis").

See, Charlie...there's hope. o_O

Boom Boom Larew said...

I'm so glad you didn't write about Charlie Sheen! Besides... since he's magic, he can just beam the latest Charlie news into our pathetic brains.

Count Sneaky said...

WHO?

cardiogirl said...

Dammit, Jen took the words right out of my mouth. It's nice to see, finally, that someone has not capitalized on Sheen's melt down.

And in the melee I actually missed the amount of product in his hair. It's like I noticed it subliminally but I was glad to see someone else notice it consciously.

Doug Stephens said...

I'm glad you didn't go the easy way and make fun of Charlie Sheen. We (the blogging public) respect you the more for it.