Job Interviews for Daytime Soap Opera Characters

On Twitter, I spied a Tweet about a soap opera my mom watched years ago. It paired a character I remembered (and who I kinda thought died) with someone I'd never heard of before.

And that got me thinking...

Can you imagine what conducting a job interview would be like with your standard, long-running daytime soap opera character ? Can you imagine asking them to actually sit down and comprehensively summarize parts of their lives?

I thought I'd take a crack at it:


Interviewer: So, Ms. Charlarae Minton-Barber, is it? Have a seat.


Charlarae: Oh, it's Minton-Escobar now. I just remarried last week.


Interviewer: Congratulations.


Charlarae: Yes, I could no longer take the mercurial nature of my husband, Roderick Barber, the compellingly-mysterious yet abusive shipping magnate/jewel thief who's been gaslighting me for the last two years in order to get my fortune.

So I got an annulment on the grounds I married him during my case of amnesia (the third case: the other two times I wasn't single then)...

And now, with the annulment in place, I finally married the man of my dreams. My Peruvian, one-legged stableboy, Paco....

He may only have one leg, but his lovin' is still muy calliente!


Interviewer: Um... yes, well....

Okay, Mrs. Escobar. Maybe we should just move on to the job. The position, as you know, is curator for SunnyOakGroveDale's fine art gallery. So tell me a little bit about your qualifications in this area.


Charlarae: Well, as it says on my resume, when I lost my eyesight during my second bout of amnesia, I was found by a group of traveling artisans. I didn't know my name, where I lived or remember I owned half of SunnyOakGroveDale. But, oddly, I could see the most beautiful pictures of it all in my mind.

This ragtag group of kind, creative gypsies helped me bring my artistic talents to the surface, in spite of the infirmity that kept my world in darkness.

There I painted under the name of "Chrysalis" for a number of months, developing quite a reputation for myself in the field.

It was, in fact, the painting I did of my then-husband, Count Francois deMonais-- his noble face still lingering in my amnesiac mind-- that helped him find me again. The portrait was such a hit with critics for its power and sensitivity, I was drawn reluctantly into the limelight and Francois recognized my photo in the newspaper.


Interviewer: (writing) Has... experience... with... art.

(Looks up)

Now, Mrs. Escobar, an important part of being a curator for our gallery is in networking. What skills do you bring to the table?


Charlarae: Well, I know lots of people. In fact, I must be related by blood or marriage to almost everyone in this town--

Wait!-- not maybe the waiter down at the club. What's his name?... Randall.

-- No, no, I take that back. Actually, Randall is the father of my stepniece Claire's baby, Angela. He got her pregnant last Fall during the flood, when they were trapped on that roof as the water surged around them, just at the time Claire was actually supposed to be at the church getting married to Paolo, our Italian exchange student.

So yes, I'm related by blood or marriage to everyone in this town.


Interviewer: (writing) Has... connections.

Okay. One last question for you, then, Mrs. Escobar.

Why, with no formal artistic training, do you believe that you can be curator of this gallery?

Charlarae: Well, I didn't need training or even work experience when I became the high fashion buyer for one of SunnyOakGroveDale's hottest and most elite boutiques...

I just stumbled into the role of head chef of La Plate Vide, one of the city's most famous restaurants. Until that point, no one had actually seen me so much as nuke a Hot Pocket.

And for a brief time, I was a neurosurgeon... Though, to be honest, we don't like to talk about that much. That was before my first amnesia and I was practically a whole other person then.

She was a brunette.

So, you can see, I've been excelling in fields I've never studied for, for years. I'm just lucky that way, I guess.


Interviewer: (writing) Naturally... qualified.... no... need.... to.... check.... references.

Okay, Ms. Escobar, I think I have enough information. We still have other candidates to meet, but we'll contact you in two business days. Which is actually three months of daytime episodes. So, I'll talk to you during Sweeps Week.

Thank you for your time today.


Charlarae: You're quite welcome. But I... I... (she blinks confusedly)... I'm sorry. I just had a little flash there.... (blinking) Who are you again?....

And-- if you don't mind sharing-- who do you think I might be?

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Happy Friday to you, folks!