The Epic Battle of Woman Versus Tiny Citrus

It wouldn't be the first time I've been drawn-in by cute.

Be it whimsical wine bottle packaging, containing sparkly purple vinegar with a piquant woody afternote...

Or 50s retro-look cosmetics with the power to instantly transform anyone into a knockoff Warhol portrait...

Or my crush on Ricky Schroeder in the 80s, before I realized he would grow up to look like Richie Rich on steroids enjoying a pro-wrestling career.

So cute, yes. I've been taken in by cute. But the box of clementine oranges, well, it was just irresistible.

They were so small... so virtually bite-sized... so cheerily-hued... they had to come home with me. Sitting there all together so bright, so adorable, they were like a litter of spherical kittens.

(Y'know, if kittens were a delicacy and we didn't worry about all that fur getting in our teeth.)

Only now, after having them in my house for a day, I've had to amend my kitten metaphor. (And not just because of the deep inappropriateness of snack kittens, either.) No, now I'm starting to see these little fellows are like Tribbles.

I fear they are multiplying.

See, I got them home and popped them in a large fruit bowl. Two toppled off the giant mound in a try for individuality and self-liberation. I ate them. They were sweet and far superior to your standard oranges in their tiny tastiness and peelability.

I found myself reaching for another.

By the end of the evening, I had had four.

Initially, I was praising myself for this great new addiction. Surely picking off platoons of tiny oranges was preferable to potato chips, or Butter Lovers' Popcorn (or rather "Mantequilla Extra," as my multi-lingual box tells me). This was even more nutritious than the beauty and nippy tang that is Cheez-It Perfection.

"I have just prevented scurvy!" I thought proudly. "Because, hey, scurvy could hit Western Pennsylvania at any time and maybe the public health department just doesn't want to talk about it...

"And think of all those servings of fruits and vegetables we're supposed to have each day!" I wondered how many clementines made up a serving. I was betting two. Since according to the back of the box, about a tablespoon of chicken pot pie is a serving.

These things need to even out.

So this morning I grabbed four more Clementines and tucked them into my lunch bag, feeling excited for more sweet, citrusy fun. And I thought about one of my friends at work, and popped in two for him, too...

Everyone should savor the joy that is tiny seedless mutant oranges!

But in looking at that fruit bowl, there still seems to be this giant crowd of Clementines sitting there. Ten Clementines have been pulled from their ranks in the last 24 hours, and yet they appear to be no less for the noshing.

I go to work, yet I fear that when I get home, the entire window seat, on which the bowl currently sits, will be filled with petite orbs of fragrant fruit.

By Tuesday, I will open my back door only to have a wave of them greet me, rolling down the steps and out into the back yard in an attempt to take over the neighborhood.

I will eventually have to call an exterminator, or set-up a small business and arrange tours. I can be the House o' Many Tiny Oranges.

I can get in that Weird USA book, and I'll beg tourists to take bags of the things home with them, along with souvenir t-shirts and local music talent on CD, each playing their own unique version of "Oh My Darlin' Clementine."

It's not the future I was planning for, of course. But sometimes we just have to roll with these things.

And, looking on the bright side, at least I don't shop at Sam's Club.

18 comments:

Jaffer said...

Seems like a Tropicana Ad in the making.

Or perhaps Oranges will be the next evil thing to try to take over the world after spiders and cats and aliens etc.

(I just remembered - my blog is already hosted on "A Small Orange")

Jenn Thorson said...

Jaffer- Possibly so-- perhaps they've just been biding their time. It does look like they might be slyly slipping into the internet business. :) )

sharonheg said...

Ayep, neen there, done that - the 5# box/bag is huge and those cute little Clementines are tiny, so they seem to last forever!

Sure do taste good though. Although not as good as kitten...LOL!

Jaffer said...

OK I was just moseying around the news area of my webhosts after posting my previous comment and found out that they had doubled my disk space and bandwidth allocation !

Oh man this is so exciting - those oranges are upto something - they must be trying to build support and BAM ! The White House is being painted orange.

Jenn Thorson said...

SharonHeg- I have not yet developed a taste for kitten. But I hear it's just like chicken. :)

Jaffer- Ah, I KNEW it! We must spread the word. :)

Beer Drinker said...

I bet I know what happened, Jenn. In your effort to prevent diseases other than scurvy, you got them wet when you washed them off. Then Mogwai-esque multiplications took place.

Jenn Thorson said...

Beer Drinker- You may very well be right!...

And now I'm getting really concerned about what happens if they get into the fridge after midnight.

I wonder if they all turn into grapefruits.

Leeuna said...

Jen, you should try out for the TV show Hoarders. A Clementine hoarder might be just what they're looking for in their Summer lineup.

Seriously, I love Clementines. I love how they peel like a tangerine, and they taste soooo good. yummmm.

Jenn Thorson said...

Leeuna- They really do peel exceptionally well! And they're wonderfully juicy. I just wish they came in slightly smaller bags.

Y'know, I suppose being up to my nose in Clementines is better than what most folks on the Hoarders show end up dealing with. :)

Surfie said...

I love clementines! They are so much sweeter than other citrus and so easy to peel. I buy them all the time and no WONDER I keep having to throw some out every time. I didn't realize they were multiplying! I don't know who had the bright idea that you had to buy them in a 5 pound box or a 3 pound bag only. They're already expensive, but when I have to throw so many away it makes me feel so guilty.

Jenn Thorson said...

Surfie- Now I'm worried about their survival rates. Maybe that's why they have to multiply so often-- to ensure at least some of the population makes it.

Kinda like schools of fish. Or baby turtles. :)

Kate said...

Ahh, Jenn! That clearly just means you're not eating them quickly enough. I'll come over and help... I love clementines :)

Jenn Thorson said...

Kate- Excellent! Problem solved! You eat these 300 over here, and I'll have those 300 over there, and...

Hm, you folks-- you get that pile in the corner and...

:)

Tiggy said...

Great post, but don't be surprised if you get a visit from PETA about using the term 'snack kittens'...

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

I've gotten those Clementines before in the box and they are actually called "Cuties". I was waiting for that play on words here, but were they not called Cuties on your box?

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

I could eat boxes and boxes of them...they are evil little devils!

Junk Drawer Kathy said...

OK, Jenn. Are you ready? After reading your post this week I had a dream last night.

There were about a hundred clementines in our office refrigerator. When I went to open it, half of them fell out and rolled all over the floor.

I collected them all, shoved them back in, but when I went to close the fridge door, some got caught in the opening and the pressure of me closing the door caused some to get squeezed and juice started to leak from them. I remember thinking "Oh, man. All the good orange juice going to waste. I wish I had a cup."

The end.

Jenn Thorson said...

Tiggy- Heh, admittedly, it wasn't a phrase I ever envisioned myself saying, either. :)

Nanny Goats- Hm, I don't recall seeing that on the box-- and I really think that would have been something I would have been all over if it were. (I mean, they really ARE adorable.)

Lisa- I've managed six per day. I think more than that and I would be in severe pain. I know cute hurts, but still...

Kathy- Ha-- well, you are definitely the first to have a dream inspired by a Cabbages post! :) I hope you get some orange juice at some point today.

I once dreamt of orange juice when I had the flu. But that was only because of dehydration and wishful thinking.