Aliens Among Us: Celeb and Blogger Extra-Terrestrial Candidates

A new poll suggests that one in five people believe aliens currently walk among us. Now, I normally would have sniffed at that-- citing issues with technology, red tape with astrophysics, and the fact we really don't see British Police Public Call Boxes around much these days.

But then I saw a celeb I hadn't seen for a while on a TV commercial. And it gave me pause. Perhaps there really is some merit to this theory. In fact, the more I consider it, the more I see the possibilities. How could I have been so blind?!

Here are my suggestions for just a few of the potential aliens out there, putting the "extra" into Extra Terrestrial.

  • Joan Rivers. She was the one I laid eyes on and just knew, deep in my heart, that she was either an alien all along or had been supplanted and her disguise was slipping. I think the latter. Her immobile mask-like features and the new poofy, fluffed-couch cushion lips, seem to indicate the aliens used her as a suit but weren't quite sure what went where. They touched her up by crossing her visage with what they feel represents the standard for beauty these days on Earth-- a Bratz doll.
  • Nicole Kidman. Just around the Stepford Wives production, Nicole changed. Her eyebrows no longer rest where they once did. The alien inside is clearly stretching her out. She was undoubtedly chosen for this because, given her typically non-passionate acting, they felt no one would notice.
  • Renee Zellweger. This may be what the true face of the aliens looks like. She then uses a special mind-control ray so critics and reporters describe her as a "beautiful starlet," and "stunning." Note, "stunning" here may very well be a verb instead of an adjective.
  • Phil Spector. 'Nuff said.
  • Nicholas Cage. The solar rays are causing him to show his real age-- which is 345. This is just over middle-age for a person from his particular planet, but leaves him looking, on earth, a bit like a retiree who works out a lot, when he isn't sitting on park benches feeding pigeons.
  • Andrew McCarthy. He goes from teen heart throb to Weekend at Bernies sidekick to barely recognizable cameo guest star on Monk. The aliens have gotten the voice right, but the grinning, wisecracking man inside is gone behind a soulless, small-eyed facade. This would also explain his recent unusual choices to appear in Lifetime-style dramatic pictures.
I also think there may be some blogger friends we need to take a closer look at. My suggestions are:

  • Unfinished Ramber/Person/Whateverhe'scallinghimselftoday. Over the years, my buddy the Unfinished Dude has had about 12 different blogs, all sharing fractions of his vast multiple personalities. Lately, these selves even talk amongst each other sometimes for humor value-- or do they? Perhaps his body is simply host to multiple alien inhabitants. It would explain a lot. As I'm also friends with his wife and sister, they might be in a better position than I am to say whether he's really from another planet or not. But I'm just putting it out there.
  • Daisy the Curly Cat. This is the only cat I know that not only blogs, but she's demonstrated intelligence and grammatical abilities far surpassing your standard LOLCat. She is also the only cat I know who openly frowns...

Something is up with the universe.

So, friends-- I'd like to hear your suggestions for the aliens who walk among us. And no fair suggesting Tom Cruise. He already admits he's a descendant from a giant alien squid named Xenu. That one's like shooting Martian fish in a liquid-bearing wooden cyllindrial apparatus.

20 comments:

TJ Lubrano said...

Wow! What happened to Kidman :|...and Zellweger, she always looked strange to me. Now it is confirmed!

I didn't realize there were so many aliens out there! I need to keep a close eye at my surroundings...who know what I might discover! Zombies, aliens, what will be next?

*assembles survival kit*

Michael Rivers said...

Love the Joan shout out! :-) Today on my blog I've posted my latest backstage picture/story with her. Happy Friday!

Jaffer said...

A Cabbage trying to establish its rule on the blogosphere should be enough.

Jenn Thorson said...

TJ- I don't know what happened to Nicole. I always thought she was really pretty, until this angry eyebrow thing started happening.

Michael- Talk about a coincidence! Was she at all acting suspiciously? :)

Jaffer- Well, yes, I suppose so. But Old King Cole Slaw is really disappointed in his potential minions. He goes to the grocery store hoping to rouse an alien takeover from his fellow cabbages, but they always just lay there, looking unmotivated.

lifeshighway said...

How did you leave out Mickey Rourke? Not only was he obviously body snatched by a deformed pod but the body snatched version is having a hell of a comeback.

Jenn Thorson said...

Life's Highway- EXCELLENT suggestion!! So, so true. I recall when Mickey Rourke was initially considered a hotty-- and then... er... well...

The alien invasion, happened.

The pods, it seems, actually end up with fairly lucrative careers. They're hard workers, those ETs.

5 Kids With Disabilities said...

oooooooh! Clever. I had no idea. Now I have to start looking around more and watching for stretched out faces...
Lindsey Petersen

ReformingGeek said...

Chuck Norris is also 345. The aliens have been here for awhile.

The aliens are fattening up on Lindsay Lohan.

Melanie said...

What about Andy Rooney? I don't think the aliens ever quite got him stretched out enough and their antenae are always poking out thru his eyebrows.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I almost didn't read this because those first two pics scared the living crap out of me and I didn't think I could go on. But then I saw you were writing about aliens and I had to read on because I wrote a post about aliens today, too. It won't run until Monday, but isn't that weird? Anyway, I'm not trying to promote anything here, I just thought it was odd, that's all. And, yes, your aliens are different than mine. But equally weird.

Jenn Thorson said...

Lindsay- You might discover the theory explains a lot about neighbors, distant relatives, people at your kids' school. :)

Reforming Geek- While I agree with you about Chuck (it would also explain why, for a supposedly tough man, he has such a strange, high voice) his fans will probably have something to say about it. :) Gosh, Lindsay has enough problems and now she's got to deal with aliens, too... Poor kid.

Melanie- Ah, yes, the telltale eyebrows. It would also explain the common patterns to his writings. It may be pre-programmed with fill-in-the-blank complaints/observations.

Mike- Sorry to have startled you. Joan sorta scared ME when I saw her on the commercial. She was talking, but very little of her face was actually moving. It's funny how we bloggers will end up talking about overlapping topics at the same time, but independently. I guess that's the thing about observational humor-- the environment is what spurs it on.

JD at I Do Things said...

I've always suspected that Daisy (and Harley!) must be an alien. She's just too smart and has way too many human expressions. (How many cats can make that crabilated face?) But I'm sure she's a friendly alien. She has come to our planet to make us laugh. I'm afraid the same can NOT be said about Nicole Kidman and her face of wax.

Daisy said...

AAAAIIIIEEEEE! My secret has been revealed! Time to fire up the Hepper pod and seek another galaxy!

James said...

Nicole Kidman uses to be really sexy in the movie where she plays a seductress to entice students.

But I find her less sexy these days. Aliens and the eyebrows? Hmm, maybe..

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

You are correct on all of these. I've known about Joan Rivers for a long time...her face keeps getting sucked in like the alien forgot she was supposed to look like a real human!

Unfinished Rambler/Unfinished Person/yadda, yadda, yadda. I grew up in the same house with him. Um.....if I tell you the truth there is a chance I could be probed again and that was ... well, rather unpleasant the first four times.

Jenn Thorson said...

JD- Oh, yes-- I think if Daisy's species actually took over the planet, we'd still be doing okay. Although probably all wearing sparkly pink outfits. :)

Daisy- It's okay, only a small portion of the population knows your secret. :) It was that superior intelligence that gave you away.

James- It has to be a real disappointment for the guys who adored her. Of course, being married to Tom "Couch-Jumper" Cruise might age anyway. I guess we should be keeping an eye on the welfare of Katie Holmes.

Lisa- Oh, wow, so he's been infested with aliens that long, eh? You poor, poor thing...

Murr Brewster said...

Amazingly, Phil Spector actually burst out of Nicholas Cage's chest. Even his hair hasn't recovered.

This reminds me of a headline I read in Germany once. I think I have it translated right. It said: "Parts of Cher turn sixty today."

Jenn Thorson said...

Murr- Heh- that last line made ME laugh. And re: Phil Spector- now I think of it, maybe he's actually too obvious as one of the aliens among us. Perhaps the real aliens have more subtlety than that. :)

Shieldmaiden96 said...

I just watched Pretty in Pink last night and I have to say, Andrew McCarthy is a lot less scary now with his pinchy older eyes. When he was young he always looked like his eyes were about to tip out of his head like slightly melted ice cubes, even when Molly Ringwald WASN'T pounding on his chest calling him a 'filthy f-ing no good liar'.

Anonymous said...

On the contrary to everyone's opinion on Nicole's eyebrows, I find them quite sexy in the picture above. The picture of her above is great. I think she looks hot. I like her as a blonde.