An Open Plea Regarding Catbonics


(Today's guest-poster, Miss Kitty, is editor of Mewsweek magazine
and award-winning author of
Cats are from Leo, Dogs are from Sirius .)


Spelling and grammar... The fundamentals of good communication-- right up there with a powerful swat, a loud meow and crashing through the newspaper sports section.

Humorous photos of cats are among the top searched of all items on the Internet. And cat bloggers are winning niche awards, and gaining added popularity with movie and merchandising deals...

In other words, we cats are finally beginning to take our rightful place as leaders of the civilized world.

Yet with this new influence comes a trend that detracts from our successes. Minimizes our fine minds. And is done with our own permission. Yes, I'm talking about the urban slang, "Catbonics."

Popularized in writing techniques used by the LOLCatz, catbonics has turned traditional grammar and spelling on its head. And humans lap it up like cream! ...

"I can haz" this... "I can haz" that. What you can haz, LOLCat, is a freakin' grammar book and a good solid dictionary. You know what they are. Try using them for a change! It simply isn't so very cute anymore.

Ahem.

I admit, I do feel passionate about this subject. But it's only because what these otherwise intelligent felines do not realize is that with every "I can haz"...

With every "wuv"...

With every desperate, needy, cutesy-wootsy way of catching human attention like some fur-and-whiskers version of "Girls Gone Wild"...

These cats are bringing the rest of us down. Subjugating us to simple court jesters whose purpose is to amuse the human king with pratfalls and willful ignorance.

I say it must be stopped and stopped now.

So for all of you connected cats out there reading today, I entreat you: stand up on your own four feet and show the world what you're really made of. You are a noble creature. Don't pander for attention. Eschew kitschy spelling and silly kitten-talk and instead, be true to yourself. Will you still be LOLing when the next generation can no longer read the writing on the Fancy Feast?

I think not.

And for the humans out there who share these photos, I leave you with this: by making us the brunt of your jokes, by finding amusement in our moment of poor coordination on the scratching post... an inadvertent slide into the refrigerator... does this say more about us?.... or about you?

And remember-- when you next can't find your Canon Powershot for a few days, and you see a flash as you trip on something on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night...? I would think long and hard about your position on this topic.

LOLHumanz might just be coming to a Blogspot this spring.

Thank you for your time today.
--Miss Kitty

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31 comments:

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

Catabonics had to happen. Do you know how hard it is for a cat's paws to type out the whole word in a text message?

Jenn Thorson said...

Meg- I can't hope to answer for Miss Kitty, but I suspect she would advocate more-paw-ergonomic, cat-centric texting technology.

Daisy said...

I think maybe just real young cats do not have good spelling. I am Four. Years.

Jenn Thorson said...

Daisy- I know you always have been grammatically strong and aren't afraid of writing well.

It seems some kittens who know better, though, think they're cool cats simply because they misspell things. And that may be part of the problem.

Walter said...

'some fur-and-whiskers version of "Girls Gone Wild"...'
Excellent line. And so true. Stop being so desperate for attention, cat. You're letting the world take advantage of you, and you're better than that.

Nooter said...

BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
BARK! BARK!

BARK! BARK! BARK!

Jenn Thorson said...

Walter- I'm sure they'll appreciate the pep-talk and moral support! :)

Nooter- Easy there, boy. Easy... :)

The Great Fox Hating Potentate said...

Fantastic!

I hate pretty much any linguistic system ending in "onics".

If cat's can't speak properly and are committed to undermining the integrity of the English language, well that's what muzzles are for.

:D

Jenn Thorson said...

Julian- I think you might have started my cat readers hissing on that muzzle idea. :)

Beetle said...

Sukie tries hard to spell correctly. I think she does quite a good job - mostly :O)

BNS said...

I have a hunch all that catbonics began with kitties making inadvertent errors while texting on their Catberries. Take pity: the poor little critters have no thumbs!

Bobbie

ReformingGeek said...

Nicely said. I will vow to work harder with Real Cat and Perspective Cat on their grammar. I'm also working with them on speech patterns and vocabulary. It's hard. How many different ways can you say "Meow" and every word I teach them sounds the same.

Tsk. Tsk.

Jenn Thorson said...

Beetle- Trying hard always counts. :)

Bobbie- Love the Catberries... wait, somehow that didn't come out right... I'm a little afraid of what a Catberry would be if it weren't technology. :)

ReformingGeek- Sounds like you are doing your cats proud!

BNS said...

Jenn - re Catberries -- No, I know what you're thinking of, and I believe those are called "dingleberries"!

Bobbie

Da Old Man said...

LOLCats are one of the harbingers of the Apocalypse.
I read it on the internet. Be concerned.

Robert said...

Wad Jaa mean my Gram Mar can't right good..:))..She Sifered me when I was a lit'un

Jenn Thorson said...

BNS- Good you cleared that up for me-- I was getting worried. :)

Da Old Man- Ah, that's right-- 100 years of darkness, plagues of locusts, seas boiling with blood, dogs and LOLCats living together... mass hysteria.

Robert- Wuz dat the Jethro Bodean Skool fer Siferin? :)

Aoi said...

Cats outsourced the programming of the cat dictionary to dogs, so what did you expect?

Jenn Thorson said...

Aoi- Ah, so that's it! Hm. You'd think then all the words would start with Rs. At least that's how Scooby-Doo and Astro seem to talk. :)

Jen said...

Well, with this liberal administration it's just a matter of time before they start teaching Catbonics in school.

Kyra said...

I think I prefer lolcat or even kitty pidgin (a more scholarly look at the phenomenon used that term) to "catbonics"...and to be honest I think it makes the pictures funnier.

But lolhumans already kind of exists.

Jenn Thorson said...

Jen- I would imagine it would be more of a community college evening class, actually. Along with basket weaving and aura cleansing.

Kyra- Apparently the hypnotic hold of the LOLCats dark universal anti-grammar agenda is even stronger than we suspected! :)

Jay said...

Haha! I think my very favourtie LOLcat is the one where the very dignified looking cat is sitting at a computer, and the line says 'I am at your computer, posting in a grammatically correct manner'.

It should be a poster on the wall next to every young cat's fluffy pillow bed!

Jenn Thorson said...

Jay- Heh, yes, I've seen that one, too. Inspirational for many a cat looking to get into the writing field. :)

~Static~ said...

i can haz lolcats cuz they r fun-e lol

Venom said...

Okay yes, I have a cute cat pic on my blog of March 5 - but it's not loveable cute, it's psycho cute which (in my mind) makes it okay.

Plus, my cat is literate.

Chat Blanc said...

this is exactly why I don't let Maxxy cat have his own blog. we made a deal, I get to use his photo as my avatar and he gets to quit going to English as a Second Language classes.

Jenn Thorson said...

Static- Wait, you aren't actually a CAT in disguise, are you? :)

Venom- I think you're safe.

ChatBlanc- It sounds like you've worked out a system that works for you.... Now, of course, I have visions of this whole classroom full of cats taking ESL... :)

Mike said...

Whether the cat spells it "has" or "haz", it matters not.

In the end, cats always taste good battered, fried, and smothered in General Tso's sauce.

Jenn Thorson said...

Mike- How did YOU know what I had for lunch yesterday? :)

Count Sneaky said...

"Cat Cute" stretches the limits of tolerance.I know they were worshipped in ancient Egypt...but this catbionics thing is just silly. Count Sneaky