Ah Shall Nevah Go Uncaffeinated Again!


Coffee. It shines golden light on the cobwebby corners of the ol' brain... Brings a ray of hope to otherwise gray skies... And reissues identity to that puffy, slack-jawed face staring back in the bathroom mirror.

And now the luscious lure of an outrageously good two-for-one sale-- and a shining vision of the ultimate Java Nirvana-- has led me to behavior that otherwise wouldn't have taken hold of my soul...

I have been hoarding bags of Eight O'Clock Coffee.

And by hoarding, I mean there are now enough two-pound bags of the stuff stockpiled in my basement that the U.S. could go under nuclear attack, and I could happily live down there-- high on coffee, tinned soup and laundry detergent fumes-- for the better part of a year.

Okay, so there are also spiders down there big enough to give Godzilla a decent toss-down for Tokyo. But unlike that uncompromising giant lizard, I think the spiders and I could work out some kind of accord.

My future in a post-apocalyptic society feels secure. And it is coffee that powers this positivity.

I get overwhelmed with joy just seeing those bags of coffee sitting down there. A strange contentment washes over me, knowing that my mornings will be continue to be filled with the rich, nutty pick-me-up that blows out the brain dust-- all at a fiscally-responsible price during these dark economic times.

And so at $6 (before coupon) for a huge two-pound bag of that blissful black bean... Well, my mind envisions whole towers of coffee bags, vacuum-sealed and safe, each waiting for their turn in the morning routine... waiting for their one true and glorious purpose...

I have images of Juan Valdez and a chorus of tiny little burros, nestled in lush green South American mountains, singing enthusiastic old Columbian serenades to the beauty of the first fresh-brewed cup...

Waterfalls pouring free with gorgeous deep-brown java as rainbows streak across them...

And beans whirling in a musical tribute that rivals Fred and Ginger's best work.

Oh yes, I have had a lot of coffee.

But alas, the two-for-one sale ends Wednesday. So for the next few days, my lunch break-- which usually includes a song-and-dance number in honor of the excellent salad bar-- will now include the Quest for the Eternal Bean, pre-ground, in a final attempt to secure just a few more examples of blissful enlightenment-in-a-bag.

Perhaps you might even see me, doing an impromptu Spring dance in Aisle 12, my basket runneth over with the inspiration that puts the zippity-do-dah in my days.

And yes, yes, I know-- addiction may be an ugly thing. But half-price addiction has a face that can really grow on you.

Pass me the cream and Sweet-n-Low, would you? I think I'll have another cup.

----------------------

Care to discuss the beauty that is total utter caffeination? I love hearing about other folks' caffeine addictions.

--------------------------------------
Humorbloggers
Humor-blogs

33 comments:

Jaffer said...

Well, I am sure you are aware of my ♥ for Tim Horton's.

I have atleast one or even two during work hours.

But at home and during the weekends (when I am at home) I indulge myself in the expensive beans(at around $10/pound).

Roasted to perfection and ground to my needs.

My favourite: Fair Trade Organic Coffee - Rich aroma and full flavoured. You can never go wrong with that

Jenn Thorson said...

Jaffer- Ah yes, good old Tim's.... Your Canadian equivalent of Starbucks-fanaticism here. :) How lucky we are to have the beans of our dreams!

Jessie said...

oh dear me
if there was spiders,the coffee would just have to be sacrificed to them
although that would be interested,caffeinated spiders.....
but yay for two for one sales!
Dangit now i gots to get me some starbucks

Babs (Beetle) said...

We were a tea drinking country until the sixties and seventies, when there was a shift over to coffee. Lately it seems to have shifted back again. I know very few people who drink coffee regularly now. I drank coffee all of my younger life, but only have the odd cappuccino now - and that's not often.

The spiders could keep it ;O)

Jenn Thorson said...

Jessie- Erg- I think I'll pass on the image of caffeinated spiders, thank you. :)

Babs- Well, when I visited the UK, I have to say, I preferred the tea, too, over the coffee. It wasn't quite the kind of coffee I'm used to, and the tea seemed a lot stronger and had a better kick to it.

ReformingGeek said...

I'm glad to know you'll be caffeinated when the rest of us are in our bunkers killing each other for the last bit of chocolate.

I'm a tea fanatic and I also like fully leaded Diet Dr Pepper and Diet Coke.

Jenn Thorson said...

ReformingGeek- Well, that stuff keeps pretty well, too, when it comes to nuclear holocaust, so you'll probably be all right-- as long as you make it through the chocolate withdrawal.

Jen said...

I need coffee to start my day but it is Diet Coke that keeps me going. Chocolate helps too but only a couple days out of the month do I NEED it. I buy what ever is on sale provided it is not Folgers. Funny I used to drink Folgers all the time as that used to be the premium coffee on the market before Starbucks came along.

If my garage fridge is filled with Diet Coke I am happy, for about a week. Funny when I had a husband around that fridge had to be filled with beer.

Da Old Man said...

I'm so boring. Give me a giant cold Wendy's Iced tea, and I'm one happy, very wide awake, guy.

My coffee is limited to one on weekends as it has a, erm, laxative effect on me, and I don't run so fast. That, and it seems to mess with arthritis. I don't like drinks that make me hurt.

C.B. Jones said...

Laundry detergent fumes...That sounds tempting.

Patricia Rockwell said...

Love coffee--more for the taste than the caffeine. I have practiced and can now make my own latte with a hand-held latte foamer (skim milk works best), but can't quite get the coffee part of the lattes as good as they make them at Olive Garden. I'm continuing to practice. It's a work in progress.

Shawn said...

I'm not that addicted to caffeine. I mean, I'm a soda freak, but it's not like I have to have it first thing in the morning, and I've never drinkin (dranken? drunk?) coffee at all. No, I'm pretty addiction free when it comes to caffeine.

Now heroin. . .

Matt said...

Those spiders will come in handy during the apocalypse. Think of the protein in each...at least that's what Bear Grylls always says.

Joel Klebanoff said...

It's nice to know that if the Apocalypse comes at least you won't sleep through it. You wouldn't want to miss that. It should be entertaining.

Can I watch it from your place? It sounds as though you're well supplied with the essentials of life.

jay said...

Did you know that coffee is the planet's most widely consumed psychoactive drug - legal or illegal?

And apparently, so much coffee is drunk in the US that they use caffeine as a chemical marker to track sewage in the ocean?

You'll never look at those bags of beans in quite the same way again, will you?

*Snigger*

Trukindog said...

I have severe acid reflux & was instructed to switch to...dare I say...decaf!
Yeah that lasted about a week, I gotta have my caffeine.

Binny V A said...

Ahh coffee. The life blood for us programmers. I am not sure if I can survive if I run out of coffee.

Jenn Thorson said...

Jen- You're better off with the diet coke, I suspect. Your liver probably thanks you. :)

Da Old Man- Heh, oh dear, we don't want you to have to flee for the restroom. Stick to the Wendy's tea.

C.B.-It's all in the choice of detergent. :)

Patricia- Ah, sounds like you're developing the latte Skillz!

Shawn- Well, y'know, caffeine... heroin... coffee's a gateway drug, I hear. :D

Matt- MMM, and crunchy, too. The perfect snack food.

Joel- I think so. I mean, I've seen so much about it, with things like Mad Max, and Waterworld. I'd like to be caffeinated for that, as I'll need to build my transportation out of various car and bike parts, per the requirements of the genre. It might take me a while. Come on over! I'll put the coffee on.


Jay- You tea folks sure do get smug about our obsession with coffee. :) But I'll forgive you, since the UK gave us things like Hitchhiker's Guide and Top Gear.

Trukindog- Do they not know that decaf not only doesn't have the kick, but it doesn't TASTE the same? Decaf isn't a substitute. I don't blame you.

Binny- I hear you. Having worked with programmers, I know how important it is to the field as a whole. :)

Skye said...

Ah coffee, the breakfast of champions! Personally I'm so addicted to coffee I drink close to 2 pots of it every morning. I'd probably do well with a caffeine filled I.V. drip!

Don't even get me started on chocolate covered coffee beans, 'cause once I start chomping on those, I can't quit!

Jenn Thorson said...

Crimeny, Skye!- That is a LOT of coffee. It's a wonder you can type and hit the right keys, for the jitters! :)

Jonny's Mommy said...

You really may need some therapy. I think...you are addicted. I'm sorry to break it to you but you obviously have a serious problem.

*sipping my cocoa*

Get yourself some help, Jenn. It's going to be OK.

*sip* *sluuuuuurp*
(And stay away from my cocoa stash in the basement)

Jenn Thorson said...

Jonny's Mommy- Um, ya got some whipped cream on your nose there, Lisa... You might want to get that before you make yourself your next cup. :) Also wipe off the chocolate mustache.

Angry Max said...

Coffee is absolutely vital. Sometimes I forget to eat, and I get that weird tingly feeling from too much caffeine. Anybody get that? I really should eat more.

Jenn Thorson said...

Angry Max- Yes, indeedy-- on Saturdays when I just have coffee and then don't eat anything until lunch. :) But really, blood in the blood system is overrated. Caffeine coursing through it-- now that's refreshing!

Doctor Faustroll said...

I prefer to inject my morning coffee directly into my lower eyelid mixed with a little meth and smack to mellow things out. Keeps me regular.

I feel almost guilty that I tagged you at http://tinyurl.com/dj842c

Almost is the operative word.

Stephanie said...

Mmmmm coffee!! If you have extra room in the deep freeze stash the coffee in there and it will stay fresher even longer....

Jenn Thorson said...

Doctor Faustroll-- Oh no... Not a tag! ACKKKK!! There isn't enough coffee in the world to make me happy about a tag... crimeny, Doc! What ya do that to me?

Stephanie- No deep freeze, unfortunately, just the general basement coldness. :)

Venom said...

Mmmmmm, codiene.

Huh? Caffeine?
Oh, I thought you said....
Nevermind.

Jenn Thorson said...

Venom-- Wrong, "ene," my friend. :)

Greg said...

(pumping fist in air)

"Death Before Decaf!!!!!!!"

Cobbled together out of assorted thriftings, (including no doubt some old coffee pots) your post-apocolyptic ride will be the fastest and the most lovely by far, I am sure.

: )

Tiggy said...

Are you sure it's just coffee in those beans?!

Jules said...

Great post ! I can smell the aroma of coffee just reading it, talk about bliss ! ;-)

Yeah I am totally addicted to coffee !!
I probably have a Cappachino every second day Mmmmm! :)

I am meant to be drinking decaffeinated coffee because I suffer with severe tinnitus, and caffeine is bad for it apparently, something to do with overstimulating it ?? but I did trial it, and it made no difference at all to mine ! :(

Plus I have heard they use nasty stuff to decaffeinate coffee, unless you buy the expensive organic brands !

Anyway I'm off to make myself a cuppa ! LOL

Thanks for good read ! :)

Jenn Thorson said...

Greg- Ah, I have a new but coolly-retro-looking coffeemaker I LOVE... And yes, that will help me get through the Apocalypse. :)

Tiggy- Sadly, yes. What does that say about me? :) No-- don't tell me.


Jules- I didn't know about coffee affecting tinnitus, but I can see where that might make sense... interesting. I think I might have to choose caffeination over the ringing sound, though. Hard to say what would be worse, the noise or the head-fog. Enjoy your cuppa!