Christmas Songs that Need to Be Written

The awesome beauty of crystallized precipitation... The joy of uniting with people who share a common genetic structure... Hard-shelled, protein-rich foodstuffs combusting over a potential fire-hazard... This is the stuff of Christmas song.

Yet, I can't help but feel there are other topics that reveal an even greater part of the Modern Family Christmas Experience that have not yet been addressed.

So rather than endure a 3,000th broadcast of George Michael's "Last Christmas" or McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime"-- which always make me want to puncture my eardrums with a marshmallow roasting stick-- someone needs to write about the subjects that are truly relevant to our time.

Subjects like:

• 35 and Sleeping in the Bunk Over Grandpa

• O Little Table of Lesser Fam, Where Dost Thou Put One's Knees?

• Yes, Yes, Yes, I'm Still Single, Auntie (Pass the Peas)

• Over the River and Through a Ten Car Pile Up On the Turnpike

• Egg Nog Helps Me Forget

• Silent Treatment for Sister

• Dreidel, Dreidel, Spun Way Under the Couch (For my Jewish friends)

• Guilt Brings Us Together

• Oh Christmas Socks, Oh Christmas Socks!

• Tales from a Christmas Form Letter

• The Airline Peanut Feast

• When Santa Brings Math Flash Cards

• In the Glow of the Shining Leg Lamp

• A Toy Worth Trampling For

• Black Friday, Blue Christmas

• Please Don't Eat the Garland

• Ornament Physics with Fluffy

• Weeping on the Keyboard (The Sappy Christmas Email Forward Song)

• Who Stole the Light-up Baby Jesus?
  

...And, of course, many other soon-to-be-classic hits!

I hope this preliminary list will inspire you talented songwriters out there to really get creative and make music that reflects Christmas as we truly know it. Because I have to tell you, McCartney's really getting on my last nerve.

Help me.

Please.

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Question for today: Any new Christmas song ideas you'd like to add to this list?

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Ten Signs Your Neighbor is a Zombie

So you think you might be living next door to a flesh-eating zombie, but want to be sure.

In suburbia, a neighbor with a glazed expression and red-stained clothes may not, in fact, be zombified. Mrs. Johnson might just be one Cosmo away from forgetting how much she hates PTA meetings. Or Mr. Johnson might have slugged the kids' soccer coach again.

So how can you be absolutely certain the people next door have not joined the walking dead in their unholy crusade for human nibblies?

Of Cabbages and Kings has you covered, with our Top 10 Signs Your Neighbor is a Zombie:

• The annual neighborhood barbecue mysteriously swaps burgers and hot dogs for steak tartar and ribs. Very rare ribs.
  

• Local trick-or-treaters seem to have all coordinated their costumes and gone as what you can only describe as "grunge." It's the first year no one has shown up as the killer from Scream.

• People are milling about on your lawn in the wee hours of the morning, peering in your windows and moaning, but you're not actually holding a yard sale this day.

• Your dog is missing, and Mr. Brown next door is in bad need of a lint brush.

• This is the first time you've talked to Mrs. Brown where she didn't try to verbally one-up your kid with her kid's success. In fact, it's the first time she let you do all the talking.

• You ask for a hand with some groceries, and you get one. It wears nail polish.
  

• Mr. Timmons' white picket fence is now in a designer color you could only describe as "Carotid Artery Crimson."

• Suzie White's Girl Scout Cookie stand now carries flavors like "Thin Mintons," "Peanut Taggarts" and "Samoans." Coincidentally, the Mintons, Taggarts and Samoans live down the block.
  

• The kids' babysitter seemed wholly uninterested in raiding the fridge. But licked her lips when she saw your cat Mr. Fluffy.

• Keeping up with the Joneses has become easy. They meander in the yard in circles at about two miles per hour.

Thank you, we'll be here all week, folks! Enjoy the finger sandwiches!
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