Warning: Mad Beeper is Loose


My normally-pasty face flushed the kind of rich red that tomatoes want in a hot summer fashion. A buzzer sounded with nasty, tattle-tale glee.

The store worker rushed over to confront the issue. Soon a puzzled frown creased his brow, as logic set in. Wasn't I entering, not leaving? People didn't shoplift before they came into a store, did they?

And as he stood, lips trying to mold the right question, I explained. Explained the way I had at Kohls.

And at Target.

And at Barnes and Noble.

(It was a busy day.)

I explained that I am The Mad Beeper. And (regrettably) I cannot be stopped.

See, this is my accessory to disruption. Or rather, something in it is, since my mysterious Beeptasticness has followed me through two entirely separate handbags.


Oh, I have turned this particular handbag inside out like a frog in seventh grade biology. I have examined its guts. I now know its polyester and vinyl soul.

I have brought in an elite team of trained security tag sniffing animals. (Okay, my cat Alice, but she's very thorough.)

And as far as I can tell, there is no special sensor lurking as a part of this bag.

Which means, I have stowaway object, plotting my perpetual, so public embarrassment. I just haven't pinned down the perp yet.

I look accusingly at my lipstick, and it pouts at the injustice.

I eye the remote control to the gate of my office, but it remains unmoved.

I try to push my cell phone's buttons, in hopes of a confession, but it drops my signals.

Somewhere, within the satin blend lining of Kathy VanZeeland pastel snickers the source of my continued humiliation. And I will find it.

Oh, I will root it out.

Until then, I can only ask that my innocent appearance continue to serve me well... that any frisking be fleeting... and if not, that the security guards be mightily cute.

8 comments:

Charlie said...

My money's on the gate remote. It's probably an office spy, hoping to catch you Kohl-ing during business hours.

Life was much simpler when all they did was read our emails.

ReformingGeek said...

I see that you have noticed one of the government tracking devices they have installed in handbags.

Sigh. Evil Twin was so sure they would not trigger any systems.

Jenn Thorson said...

Charlie- I would think so, too, only my coworkers have the same remotes, and they're not having these difficulties when they go out. A couple of them frequent the same stores.

Reforming Geek- The jig is up, Evil Twin! Sloppy... very sloppy. :)

Willy said...

Heard it beep in Belks today. Run fast.

10-4 Willy

meleah rebeccah said...

I am OBSESSED with that bag. Where did you get it??

Jenn Thorson said...

I got it at a place called AJ Wright, sort of like TJ Maxx. I loved it immediately, too. I have totally become a handbag girl. :)

meleah rebeccah said...

Just lovely! Seriously!

Kelly said...

Wowee Gazowee! It sounds like you're a real trouble maker. :) Making things buzz and beep in stores is a good time had by all, I always say.

Well, I don't always say that. sometimes I say, "This is a mighty fine slice of pizza." But that's another story.