Finding Bigfoot: Teen Sasquatch and Other Big, Hairy Excuses

Proving how not-awake I am in the mornings-- over coffee I found myself unable to resist watching this Animal Planet show about Bigfoot hunting.

And the scientific knowledge I imparted from it-- and which I will share with you good folks today-- is as follows:

• If the mysterious figure in the Bigfoot sighting is described as "large, hairy, brown and walking on all fours," it is not a bear. It is a Bigfoot trying to LOOK like a bear. To confuse us, y'know. A well-known defense mechanism, backed by years of Sasquatchian Behavioral Research. I mean this is COMMON KNOWLEDGE these days, guys-- just like we know the sky is blue and Lady Gaga will wear weird crap. So, to reiterate: large, shaggy brown four-legged creature in the woods = crouching SQUATCH, NOT BEAR.

• When scientifically replicating possible Bigfoot footage, take a six-foot-tall man named Bobo who LOOKS Squatchly, and position him in the same spot as the supposed Squatch. If Bobo appears to be the same size as the figure on the screen, that means what was filmed was a JUVENILE Sasquatch, and not a full-grown adult Bigfoot. It is not a six-foot tall man like Bobo. It is not a six-foot tall tree in bad light. It is not a bear on its hind legs stop talking about the friggin bear fer pete's sake what is your bear obsession already get over it man. It is a Teen Squatch. Undoubtedly, a Teen Squatch trying to look like a six-foot-tall human named Bobo. They do stuff like that. It's common knowledge. Defense mechanism. Years of research. Shut up.

• When analyzing recordings of potential Sasquatch calls, it is important to completely ignore the possibility that the call was faked by electronic, synthesized sound technologies. We can logically eliminate the potential for synthesized sound fakery because Sasquatches not only DON'T HAVE keyboards and sound equipment to work with, but they DON'T HAVE electricity out in the woods. They would go through a LOT of batteries to create synthesized calls like the ones we are hearing. So it can therefore not be done by a synthesizer.

• When analyzing recordings of potential Sasquatch calls, it is also important to discount that rural areas might have liquored up hunters in them who would be inclined to make howling sounds for fun, to scare the other liquored up hunters. Liquored up hunters cannot be IN these woods, because they know the Bigfoot live there and are therefore are too afraid to be IN the woods at night. That means the sounds we are hearing cannot be people, but real Bigfoots.

• Sasquatches do not typically hang out in trees, particularly trees with flimsy limbs which cannot support their massive weight. However, if a witness does claim to have SEEN a Bigfoot in a tree, that does not mean we can rule the Squatch out and assume the witness saw, oh, A BEAR. What it shows is that, like we humans, some Squatches are naturally less intelligent than others. So clearly, what that witness saw in that tree was simply a "dumb Sasquatch." Rumor has it half the cast of Jackass was actually made up of dumb Sasquatches.

• The plural of Bigfoot is "Bigfoots." Not "Bigfeet." Not-- WHAT did you just say: "Bears"?! BEARS??!!

Go away kid, ya bother me.

Question for today: what television program have you gotten sucked into watching against your better judgement?

(And have you ever seen Bigfoot? Or a bear? Or a man named Bobo? Or are you a man named Bobo? Readers want to know.) is