Finding Bigfoot: Teen Sasquatch and Other Big, Hairy Excuses

Proving how not-awake I am in the mornings-- over coffee I found myself unable to resist watching this Animal Planet show about Bigfoot hunting.

And the scientific knowledge I imparted from it-- and which I will share with you good folks today-- is as follows:
  • If the mysterious figure in the Bigfoot sighting is described as "large, hairy, brown and walking on all fours," it is not a bear. It is a Bigfoot trying to LOOK like a bear. To confuse us, y'know. A well-known defense mechanism, backed by years of Sasquatchian Behavioral Research. I mean this is COMMON KNOWLEDGE these days, guys-- just like we know the sky is blue and Lady Gaga will wear weird crap. So, to reiterate: large, shaggy brown four-legged creature in the woods = crouching SQUATCH, NOT BEAR.
  • When scientifically replicating possible Bigfoot footage, take a six-foot-tall man named Bobo who LOOKS Squatchly, and position him in the same spot as the supposed Squatch. If Bobo appears to be the same size as the figure on the screen, that means what was filmed was a JUVENILE Sasquatch, and not a full-grown adult Bigfoot. It is not a six-foot tall man like Bobo. It is not a six-foot tall tree in bad light. It is not a bear on its hind legs stop talking about the friggin bear fer pete's sake what is your bear obsession already get over it man. It is a Teen Squatch. Undoubtedly, a Teen Squatch trying to look like a six-foot-tall human named Bobo. They do stuff like that. It's common knowledge. Defense mechanism. Years of research. Shut up.
  • When analyzing recordings of potential Sasquatch calls, it is important to completely ignore the possibility that the call was faked by electronic, synthesized sound technologies. We can logically eliminate the potential for synthesized sound fakery because Sasquatches not only DON'T HAVE keyboards and sound equipment to work with, but they DON'T HAVE electricity out in the woods. They would go through a LOT of batteries to create synthesized calls like the ones we are hearing. So it can therefore not be done by a synthesizer.
  • When analyzing recordings of potential Sasquatch calls, it is also important to discount that rural areas might have liquored up hunters in them who would be inclined to make howling sounds for fun, to scare the other liquored up hunters. Liquored up hunters cannot be IN these woods, because they know the Bigfoot live there and are therefore are too afraid to be IN the woods at night. That means the sounds we are hearing cannot be people, but real Bigfoots.
  • Sasquatches do not typically hang out in trees, particularly trees with flimsy limbs which cannot support their massive weight. However, if a witness does claim to have SEEN a Bigfoot in a tree, that does not mean we can rule the Squatch out and assume the witness saw, oh, A BEAR. What it shows is that, like we humans, some Squatches are naturally less intelligent than others. So clearly, what that witness saw in that tree was simply a "dumb Sasquatch." Rumor has it half the cast of Jackass was actually made up of dumb Sasquatches.
  • The plural of Bigfoot is "Bigfoots." Not "Bigfeet." Not-- WHAT did you just say: "Bears"?! BEARS??!!
Go away kid, ya bother me.

Question for today: what television program have you gotten sucked into watching against your better judgement?

(And have you ever seen Bigfoot? Or a bear? Or a man named Bobo? Or are you a man named Bobo? Readers want to know.) is

26 comments:

Melanie said...

Jenn, do I detect a note of sarcasm about this serious, important, scientific research???

Are you saying that people like my teenage son (six feet tall, size 15 feet) and his liquored up hunting buddies with cell phones could possibly be perpetuating the Sasquatch myth?

LOL! Great post.

Jenn Thorson said...

Melanie- Who ME? Less than entirely sincere about the science behind the Squatch? No, no, no, no, never.

Your son's name isn't, by any chance, Bobo, is it? :)

laughingmom said...

Two things: I thought that there was only ONE Bigfoot - which brings to question where juvenile bigfeet come from. And Isn't Booboo that is Yogi's bear buddy?

Jenn Thorson said...

LaughingMom- Apparently there are LOTS of Squatch out there, who do indeed have kids. Only in spite of this we somehow have nothing but grainy footage of them, and no one has ever found a Bigfoot carcass to be analyzed.

BooBoo... It all goes back to bears. :)

Shieldmaiden96 said...

My entire work shift is pretty much comprised of TV watched against my better judgement, and occasionally, against my will. (See: Wrestling, Professional) I had no idea there were so many cop shows in addition to COPS.
I find myself watching reality shows about parking enforcement officers and tow truck drivers. But mostly because they are partially filmed in Philadelphia.
As to bears, I live in bear country. Up here you have almost as much chance of hitting one as you do hitting a deer. And they do MASSIVE DAMAGE. Its like running your car into a stinky, fur covered boulder. A stinky, fur covered, and maybe not all the way dead boulder you get to babysit in the waning headlights of your totalled front end while you call 911 17 times trying to get a signal long enough to tell us where you are.
I love the country.

Jenn Thorson said...

Shieldmaiden- Do you know I didn't realize until earlier this week that COPS is still on? It's been running apparently like 22 years-- which you undoubtedly already know since you're subjected to it.

I was unaware that bears are so stinky. Which is another interesting coincidence with Sasquatch, I'd like to point out.

How many bear accidents do you see during a season?

Dan said...

Got to love the hoops people will jump through to keep on believing in something odd!

Most of the TV I get suckered into watching despite my better judgement normally has three judges and some sort of talent contest theme.

Jenn Thorson said...

Dan- So something in the "of/with the Stars" genre. :)

Margaret (Nanny Goats) said...

BWA-HAHAHAHA - you got sucked in!

I watched Ghost Hunters until my eyes bled. I can't believe I watched that show for so long. I distinctly remember your cartoon rendition of it. But I kept returning to that dang show hoping one day they show some actual evidence. But no.. EVERY TIME, I was disappointed. I grew to like a couple of the "characters" in spite of their bad acting. I finally gave it up.

You know which one is worse but probably has a more vapid fan base? Ghost Adventures, because the one guy is cute, but his "evidence" is so lacking, I can't believe he can walk around with a straight face.

Jenn Thorson said...

Margaret- Oh yes, like you, I kept waiting for something to happen on Ghost Hunters. Occasionally there'd be creepy EVPs which I'd promptly find myself debunking as radio interference. But It was still fun.

And you are so. right. on Ghost Adventures. Zak may be cute, but WOW is it made up. They make Ghost Hunters look like award-winning scientific theory. :)

Shieldmaiden96 said...

I'd say we probably have one bear hit a week. That's about average. Obviously, that dwindles to near nothing when they are hibernating, but right now they're everywhere.

Jenn Thorson said...

Shieldmaiden- Holy pickinick baskets, Yogi, that's a LOT of bear-centric accidents!

Steve Bailey said...

The funny thing about Bigfoots is... they taste exactly like chicken.

In terms of what show I was sucked into... It was called Grilling With Bigfoot

Jenn Thorson said...

Steve- You know, I'd heard once they tasted like chicken. Where Nessie tastes more like calamari. I hear they're making another show you'd like "Bigfoot and Brews"-- it advises you on what beer to serve with your favorite Squatch dish.

June O'Hara said...

I can't even begin to enumerate all that made me laugh in this post. It's sensational. I don't watch much tv, but I live in suburban New Jersey, and will be sure to have my eye out for liquored-up hunters. They may be scarce, but then, so is Bigfoot, and he's targeted every day. Thanks so much for making me laugh.

Jenn Thorson said...

June, well you don't have to worry about Bigfoot anyway-- you have enough to deal with with the Jersey Devil. Believe me, I grew up in Jersey, I know. We kept a careful eye on those Pine Barrens all the way to Great Adventure! :)

Willy said...

Willy is big foot.

10-4 Willy

ReformingGeek said...

It's all chupacabras here...

EEEEEEEK!

Oops.

Gulp.

As for shows I've been suckered into watching, the one about the deadly fish. Ugh. Pass.

Jenn Thorson said...

Willy- Hm, I thought the hunt for Bigfoot would be more difficult than this. Turns out if you write a blog post, the Bigfoot introduce themselves!-- Welcome!

ReformingGeek- Urgh, I've seen the dog they initially were saying was a chupacabra and... NO THANK YOU!

Oh, the deadly fish one where the British guy goes out in the boat to catch them? (River Monsters, I think it's called.) Yeah, I've gotten sucked into that, too.

Boom Boom Larew said...

Well, I'm a bigfoot (size 12) but nobody does a tv show on me... I'm pretty offended. Maybe I should change my name to Bobo.

As for true confessions...I got sucked into watching Man vs. Wild for awhile. I am SO staying at home after seeing that! And my son cons me into watching COPS with him. But to be fair, he IS a criminal justice major... Guilty pleasures!

Melanie said...

Well Jenn, it says RT on his birth certificate, but there's no accounting for what his friends call him....

Shieldmaiden, you're really, really sure they're bears hit on the road? Not, you know, teenage sasquatches?

My guilty pleasure is decorating shows with really hot hosts. Don't care what his rooms look like, but I could watch that guy on Color Splash all day.

Jenn Thorson said...

Bobo Larew has a certain ring to it.

Melanie- Hm, I do not know this Color Splash. I must go look it up. :)

Shieldmaiden96 said...

Jenn, I sat in a darkened Southern NJ classroom and watched a documentary about the legend of the Jersey Devil in 5th grade that scared the jumping bejeezus out of me. I don't know what my teacher was thinking, but it was kind of thrilling to watch something scary at school. Well, until I had to walk home. Then it wasn't so thrilling.

Static said...

Laughing out loud! (Yes, I actually bothered spelling it out.)

I believe you have summed up the myth of the Bigfoot monster in one fell swoop. Or perhaps it was six...I forget, what were we talking about again? (Another Sasquatch trick is that they play with your mind as they hide in a tree outside your house.)

This may lend credibility to the "Crouching SASQUATCH, hidden BEAR" theory?

Static said...

Oh, and the show I most recently got sucked into against my better judgment was The Secret Circle on the CW network. Why. God. WHYYYYYYY?!?!?!!

Tom Threadgill said...

Just stumbled on your blog and saw this post. I've seen this show a couple of times. Cracked me up one time when they hollered like a Bigfoot but didn't hear anything holler back. Their comment was that it was odd that not even a coyote responded, so that was good evidence that a Bigfoot was near.

Really enjoying your blog!