Why the Workday Would Benefit from a Darth Vader Voice Generator

I noticed some Googler came to this blog searching for "Darth Vader Voice Generator." And while I'm afraid I had nothing to meet his current need, the thought did cross my mind:

How awesome would it be to spend the entire workday talking in a Darth Vader voice?!!

I mean, I do a lot of client service. And while much of this takes place through email, I do have a certain amount of meetings and phone interactions. I think it would really liven things up if I could do it all sounding like the main recruitment officer for the Dark Side of the Force.

"I UNDERSTAND THAT THE PLACEMENT OF MY CLIENT'S ADS IS CURRENTLY INCORRECT, VENUE SCUM. THAT WAS TO BE A CORNER PEEL ON YOUR HOME PAGE INSTEAD OF A LEADERBOARD AND BIG BOX ROADBLOCK. I SHOULD CRUSH YOUR TRACHEA WITH MY MIND.

HOWEVER I WILL SETTLE FOR 200,000 MAKE GOOD IMPRESSIONS AND A NICE CARD AT CHRISTMAS."

I imagine it would be the last time there was ever a mistake regarding ad placements.

Having a voice like Darth Vader would probably make a capabilities presentation new and exciting, too.

"WE ARE A FULL SERVICE MARKETING AGENCY AND MY PARTICULAR FOCUS IS CRAFTING LANGUAGE FOR YOUR ONLINE BRANDING ELEMENTS. I WILL HELP YOU DEFINE YOUR BRAND IN A SIMPLE, USER-FRIENDLY WAY. AND IF THAT PROVES UNSUCCESSFUL, I WILL LEVERAGE THE FORCE ON YOUR BEHALF, CHANNELING MY DEEP INNER RAGE AT YOUR COMPETITORS, WHO WILL FEEL THE SWIFT BURNING BLADE OF MY LIGHT SABRE, RIGHT BEFORE I CRUSH THEIR TRACHEAS WITH MY MIND."

Lastly, I foresee picking up lunch to be a refreshingly different type of endeavor. Particularly if it's at the bagel shop a few doors down, where the folks who work there leave you waiting while they finish their conversation about their last hot night on the town. And even when they do finally wait on you, you have to repeat your order three times and head off condiments you don't want.

"I WILL HAVE A HAM AND CHEDDAR ON A HONEY GRAIN BAGEL, NO MAYO, AND IF YOU CONTINUE TO IGNORE ME WHILE YOU IDLY CHATTER, FOOLISH BAGEL JOCKEYS, I SHALL HAVE NO RECOURSE OTHER THAN TO CALL IN MY TEAM OF STORM TROOPERS TO PILLAGE YOUR PAPER NAPKINS, MELT YOUR PLASTIC UTENSILS AND LASER YOUR GLASS SNEEZE GUARD TO OBLIVION.

"WAIT, I SAID NO MAYO, NO MAYO!... OKAY, THAT'S IT! I WILL JUST HAVE TO CRUSH YOUR TRACHEA WITH MY MIND."

See? It's the gift that just keeps on giving.

So tell me-- what would you do with your Darth Vader voice generator?

Forty Years of Darkness: Day 45

Mother Nature has an incontinence problem. Or maybe she's just been glued to the Lifetime Network's latest "Beautiful-Actresses-Dying-Tragically-Yet-Finding-Last-Minute-Closure-with-their-Domineering-Mothers" movie marathon.

Either way, here in Pittsburgh it has been raining almost every day since Spring twirled onto the seasonal stage, looked around, and said, "Daffodils, this is your wake up call. Time to haul petal."

So, they grumblingly rolled out of bed. And stepped into the shower. But the shower just hasn't ended yet. Two-and-a-half months, they've been in there, singing "What's the Story Morning Glory" and there's no sign of it stopping-- even with Oasis suing for lack of public performance permissions.

I mean, I totally understand the old "April Showers Bring May Flowers" thing. But what we've been experiencing this year is not normal. If it were, there would be more sayings we'd trot out to make excuses for why we have to ScotchGuard our socks.

Phrases like: "The rains of March, they quench the larch."

"Monsoons in June, mean blooms kaboom."

Or "February showers bring March flooding of the Mon Wharf parking lot due to too-rapid snow melting, causing commuter tensions in an already challenging downtown parking situation."

You know, catchy stuff like that.

But it's not just the rain. It's the darkness. The kind of perpetual darkness that no amount of coffee will cut through. There is not enough coffee in the world when 10 in the morning every day looks like the lighting set-up for Blade Runner.

Now, me, I am one of those unnaturally pale people that really shouldn't be out in any kind of direct sunlight or, I don't know, stand next to someone like Snooki lest my skin peel off from the radiation. I probably luminesce on my own. But that doesn't mean I don't want to see that warm, golden stuff shining down on us at least once before the fall school supplies are out in Target.

(Actually, that will probably be tomorrow; nevermind.)

So, I'm starting to wonder what's next, friends? The Three Rivers boiling with blood? A plague of locusts sweeping the city? (Stinkbugs have already beat them to that.) High winds and a record number of tornadoes wiping out whole--

Oh... okay. Fine: points to you, Mom Nature. You've proven you can still mix it up with the best of 'em.

I guess the only thing we can do is adapt. Like those see-through, sightless crustaceans that live in caves.

Finally, I'll have a chance at not blinding everyone come summer shorts season. So... hey, silver lining!

The Blogger Versus Non-Blogger Mind

March marked Of Cabbages and Kings' third bloggiversary. And attesting to either my increasing age, or the advanced age of the Cabbage, I forgot all about it.

I mainly see it as a lost opportunity for cake.

But it did get me thinking how, as humans, our whole perspective on life changes when we've been blogging a while-- particularly, when it's humor blogging. See, it's like this:

____________________________________________________________________

Non-Blogger:

"I shall go to a restaurant and eat this meal. If my food looks strange or unappetizing, it may reflect in the tip."

Blogger:

"Doesn't that pile of mashed potatoes look just like Corey Feldman's head? I must take a photo of it with the camera that I happen to have right here, and upload it to my blog, Twitter, Facebook, Flickr, and www.foodsthatlooklikecoreyshead.com."

____________________________________________________________________

Non-Blogger:

"I am going on a road-trip with friends, where much merriment will be had."

Blogger:

"Here: you hold the steering wheel while I take a photo of that roadsign that reads 'Welcome to Bumpus. Home of the Marauding Chickens.' No, we won't swerve into that tractor trailer if you hold it steady. We have plenty of room... Plenty of room."

____________________________________________________________________

Non-Blogger:

"That was the worst vacation I've ever been on. They lost my luggage, I got food poisoning, and my husband left me for a cabana boy named Paco."

Blogger:

"I think I'll write a post from the perspective of my lost luggage, since it got to see Thailand by way of Newark, and I always wanted to visit. Maybe it will bring me back some Pad SeeEw. Or a new husband."

____________________________________________________________________

Non-Blogger:

"It's the Halloween season. There will be pumpkins, candy, and fun for the kiddies."

Blogger:

"I need a Halloween post. I wonder if anyone's ever written a parody of The Night Before Christmas except using zombies and from the first person perspective of Shaun of the Dead?"

____________________________________________________________________

Non-Blogger:

Now that I'm getting older, I find myself asking the important questions, like what is the meaning of life? And how can I raise good, productive children?

Blogger:

Now that I've seen Star Wars for the sixtieth time, I find myself wondering whether Darth Vader ever had a brainstorming session when he was naming the Death Star.

____________________________________________________________________

Non-Blogger:

"I have had this jingle in my head for the past three days."

Blogger:

"I may have had this jingle in my head for the past three days, but soon, through the Mighty Power of the Blog, I will not be alone. Oh no, I shall not be alone..."

____________________________________________________________________

Now here, my friends: have some cake!

Adorable cabbage cake photo from: http://cakecentral.com/gallery/1331783

Also... sing this:

Thanks! :) And surf safely out there.

Because of Starving Kids in Africa and Whatnot

Now that I think about it, I am one-step from making myself sit in the corner and taking away my own TV privileges.

And, yes, I am an adult, and yes, I do run my own life, and no, I can't MAKE me do it, dammit, if I don't want to...

But yet the logical, frugal part of my brain honed by ever-haunting Mom-Guilt keeps saying there are starving kids in Africa...

Or China...

Or insert-the-country-of-choice.

And they'd be glad to have those freezer-burned mushroom burgers and that steam-and-serve Mexicali Rice Blend that tastes like a bad tourism opportunity.

Whereas I am just a wasteful supper snob... dinner diva... um, epicurean elitist... and I should stop whining and eat the friggin' stuff and get it over with because it's taking up space and leaving no room to hoard Trader Joe's Lamb Vindaloo.

So every night lately, I've made myself dinner with a sense of dread and just a little self-loathing. Because I've been forcing myself to finally eat all those half-opened-and-never-enjoyed frozen foods that seemed like such a great idea when I was in the store-- but which constitute multiple servings of Not-So-Much.

So there are healthy non-meat sandwich patties which are labeled hopeful things like "Chiquenesque." And there are "blends" of mysterious vegetables, and "blends" of ambitious grains, and "blends" of blended blends, which I have since learned translate to mean: "foods which are not yum alone, so they hang out in groups because misery loves company."

It is like the Land of Misfit Toys without the musical number.

Tonight's menu will either include "little pastry-wrapped hot dogs whose deceptive cuteness disguises their hidden texture of hiking boot and leg sinews"....

Or a "cheese and broccoli soup," which lists the broccoli last because when you've taken a pot of of cheese powder and water and waved it over a broccoli field, so it gains a brocc-ish essence, you cannot legally give the veg top billing.

Little known fact.

So.... hey, dinner's at six, if any of you folks want to stop by! For dessert, I can offer you a cool lemon sorbet so acidic, you can also strip furniture with it.

I know... I can't wait either!

Bring a table or chair you'd like refinished.