Ways They Should Have Tortured Jack Bauer

Jack Bauer, the never-dining, never-producing-bodily-fluids-besides-blood-and-strategically-issued-spit hero of 24 endured the whole line of today's favorite military torture techniques in his many seasons on television.

But in a Facebook conversation with fellow blogger Ron Wells, we began to realize that good ol' Jack never faced the truly realistic tortures of modern day society. Exposure to germ warfare? Radiation poisoning? Electrocution? Chinese prison? Bah! To gain real viewer sympathy and prove his steel, Jack should have dealt with these nail-biting tests of will and endurance...

  • Glasses smudge. Just try, Jack, try reading those critical secret code numbers discovered written on the bad guy's BVD waistband-- and typing them into your always properly-routering laptop-- when faced with the nefarious spectacles smudge that won't go away. Waste valuable non-commercial-break minutes trying to clean the smudge only to discover that it only smears further and scratches your lenses because you're not using an optically-approved shammy! (Alternate option, eyelash in contact lens.)
  • Too-short gas pump hose. You never need to fuel up, do you, Jack? Cars at your disposal always somehow have a full tank ready and waiting. Well, what if you had to stop for gas? And the jerk pulling in from the pumps on the other side parks his vehicle too far up for you to get your own pump's hose to reach? That's right, Jack-- mere inches keep you from fueling up, driving off and saving the world. Sure, you could plug the guy for being an inconsiderate wanker, but you'd still waste valuable time finding his keys and backing his car up.
  • Black ice. You run, don'tya, Jack? Almost everywhere you go. During summer hiatus, you must do the New York Marathon just to keep in shape for your autumn season anti-terrorism activities. But you never end up somewhere cold, making that dash on black ice, now do you, Jack? No, you always look so cool, so effortless. You never have had to cling to the handrail of somebody's front steps just to go three feet. You've never tried to make a getaway sliding on your patriotic posterior, your Jack Pack sliding out of your grasp and spilling national secrets to the high winds. It's easy to be efficient when it's always 70 degrees and sunny, isn't it, Jack?
  • High octane coffee setting off IBS. Since you rarely need to consume food or drink, you have never faced the driving need for clear-headed caffeination. And so, you have never known that $4 gourmet coffee poured down your gullet and how it can trigger the water-through-pipes warning sound that says you need the nearest restroom, fast. No, your bowels never require irrigation, because they only see nourishment from after May sweeps to September premieres. Try begging a bathroom key from a gas station attendant when the line for lottery tickets and Slurpees is out the door, and you'll know true torture.
  • Vital supplies delayed by elderly lady writing checks. You somehow always have what you need, don't you Jack? And grabbing it through whatever means you can has worked for you every time. If you did have to go to the store for some reason, I suspect you wouldn't feel that things like waiting in a checkout line would apply to you. But the rest of us, we have to wait in those lines, because we can't just taze store security. Try waiting in line behind the grandma with 60 items which she has to put onto the conveyor belt one. item. at. a time. Then see how you feel when she rummages in her purse only to produce... a checkbook. You'll want to taze her, Jack. Oh, yes you will.
So tell me, folks-- what everyday torture would you like to see Jack Bauer experience?

"Keep me posted."

21 comments:

Beer Drinker Rob said...

Hey there.

Yes, Jack may have been institutionalized faced with those torture threats. However, remember he was married and he did have a sometimes-snotty little bitch of a daughter, so he wasn't completely clueless to real life torture! Haha.

Love it.

Jenn Thorson said...

Rob- I'm with ya, as I never liked Kim Bauer much myself. And she just kept coming BACK.

Barry said...

I think Jack should also suffer the "automated answering service" when he calls CTU. You know the one..."for English press 1... then it goes through the menu, etc , etc...at least make him wait for "if you know your party's extension"...

Just thinking

Jenn Thorson said...

Barry- VERY nice! "All of our operators are busy right now, but if you'd like to stay on the line the next available operator will be with you momentarily..."

And then the Muzak comes on.

meleah rebeccah said...

Holy, hilarious. I cant stop laughing at the bubble caption on your photo of Jack Bauer. That is PRICELESS.

Maybe he should have to endure shoveling a crapton of snow with only a dustpan. Much like my next-door-neighbor.

Jenn Thorson said...

Meleah- I am now more interested in the image of your next door neighbor shoveling mounds of snow using a dust pan.

You need video. :)

ReformingGeek said...

Oh dear. What if Jack had to drive the carpool following the laws of the road?

He'd be a goner.

Actually, it's become apparent that he simply isn't a real person, Gosh Dern It!

Jenn Thorson said...

Reforming Geek- Well, I would have enjoyed seeing him do the carpool WHILE fighting terrorism. "You stop kicking that chair or I WILL turn this car around!... What? No, sorry, Mr. President, not you."

HumorSmith said...

Give Jack a retail job. I guarantee the first whiney customer gets tasered. Sadly, management never lets me bring mine to work.

I don't know why I've not had you on my blogroll Jen, but that changes today.

Jenn Thorson said...

HumorSmith- It's funny how management tends to frown on the concept of the tasered customer, when it feels so right. :)

And thank you. It's because the Cabbage has to sneak up on you over time; then you realize it's wrapped you up in its leafy humor. :)

cmk said...

Jack Bauer needed to, at least once, get out of bed, in the dark, and step onto the newly hacked-up hairball that the cat produced. I think we would have seen an explosion of fur after that.

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

I'm thinking he should have had to take care of a toddler or two as torture.

"Are you serious? You want me to wipe your butt? How old are you,kid? Four? come on, wipe your own ass. SpongeBob Squarepants movie for the 58th time this week? What?! Damn it...someone just burn my eyeballs out with a hot poker now...

Deray said...

I wish he would have to deal with a biometric door. You know, those that you need to tap your ID card THEN your fingerprint so the frak door opens?

Yeah, we have those in my lab and let me tell you, it takes up ti 10 times of tapping/fingerprinting for the damn door to open!

Jenn Thorson said...

CMK- He'd have been setting up an elaborate secured bed perimeter to prevent future hairball sneak attacks.

Lisa- Are you, um, projecting... perhaps? I don't know why I suggest it. But... :)

Deray- Yes, isn't it amazing how the technology at CTU always works seamlessly together UNLESS there's been sabotage?

meleah rebeccah said...

@Jen:

There IS video of my neighbor shoveling snow with a dustpan!

It's here:

http://mommamiameaculpa.com/?p=5655

Ron Wells said...

I only followed Jack and his nuclear antics for only a couple seasons and I'm sure it was because there wasn't enough examples of Agent Bauers ignorance of waiting in line behind the blue hair, check writer and his lack of black ice running skills. 24 would have benefited by having you on the writing staff.

Oh, and Jenn, thanks for the shout out! The smudge is still torturing me but nothing a $4 coffee won't fix.

Jenn Thorson said...

Meleah- You had me laughing the way you documented that storm in comic narrated form. I need to add you to my blog list.

Ron- Why, thank you. I don't think I could have managed being on the 24 writing staff, however, without slipping in at least one comment about how the U.S. has faced an unnatural amount of terrorist attacks, with it coincidentally heightening each year around Sweeps Week. :) And you're very welcome for the shout out. That conversation got my ol' brain finally moving.

Melanie said...

There should have been an episode of him having to deal with teenage logic, or maybe being kidnapped and driven by a teenager whose vehicle is equipped with the usual mind bending music. Yeah, let's see him stand up to that sort of torture.

Da Old Man said...

Jack has yet to wait beyond an old woman in line who just knows she has a penny in her purse, which was made by Samsonite.

Devon said...

LOL! I love this! I always wondered why Jack didn't get a UTI from not drinking enough water during the day. Or why he never actually had to have a bathroom break in that whole 24 hours. What about stress related IBS? But you know, it's all ok because Jack was just always so hot.

Boom Boom Larew said...

You DO know Jack, Jenn! As for Devon's comment above... I think Jack probably discovered Depends a long time ago... that's the only explanation. Personally, I'd like to see Jack spend a day in my Pre-K classroom. (No automatic weapons or rocket launchers allowed.)