Our Lady of Gravity and Perpetual Contusion

It'll be a new trend in women's businesswear! Flared trousers with salt and blood stains at the knee and down the calf, and suede knee-boots with matching salt residue trim just at the toe. Eye-makeup will coordinate with ice-scraper-shaped bruising and contusions at the temple.

I think, if I play it right, it will be all the rage for the 2011 winter fashion season.

The event that spawned such design brilliance, however, some might say lacks the glamor and grace of the collection's obvious runway possibilities.

Black ice and a top layer of rain on what I thought were well-salted concrete steps sent me-- in the high-heeled boots I'd considered particularly fetching only moments before-- bouncing and jouncing down each stair, individually, like a fleshy stone skipping off a particularly unyielding lake.

Bump! Clump! Flump! Glump! Pomp! Schlump!

The heels which I never wear much because I am under normal circumstances too tall to not look like some giantess barging in uninvited on the year's hottest dwarf cocktail party were handy in one respect. Because they go up to the knee, they protected nobly considering they were not chainmail... or made by the aforementioned dwarves.

Getting up, I Dorothy Hamilled myself over to the car, and realized I had not yet made the full fashion statement I really needed for Success. So I clocked myself in the face with my own ice scraper on a particularly defiant chunk of windshield ice.

The things we do for high fashion, right ladies?

Tomorrow, I believe I will try something new. Before I leave the house, I will ensconce myself entirely in bubble wrap.

True couture innovation never ends.


ReformingGeek said...

YEE-OUCH! Got crampons?

Sue said...

I feel really bad laughing at you, really. I'm also sorry to tell you, you'll probably be sore tomorrow, worse than you are now. Sorry.

Jenn Thorson said...

Reforming Geek- I had to look up what a crampon was. It sounded like coupons for a cramp-free day or something. Heh, no, I don't go ice climbing much. Except for, y'know, this morning. :)

Sue- Oh that's okay, Sue. If we can't laugh at ourselves, and our personal ice capades, what CAN we laugh at?

Yes, I can feel the soreness a-coming. Motrin will be my best friend.

Deray said...

Aww Jenn! Are the boots ok? jajajaja just kidding! I also feel awful to be laughing at you!

meleah rebeccah said...

Well, I probably shouldn't be laughing as hard as I am but this is just too too too too funny!!!!!

I'm sorry your clocked yourself in the face with your icescraper after you Dorothy Hammilled over the car.

But hey, at least your starting a whole new fashion trend.

I truly believe 'Eye-makeup coordinated with ice-scraper-shaped bruising and contusions at the temple.' WILL be all the rage!

meleah rebeccah said...

PS; tweeted and facebooked!

Lisa said...

I bet that was a youtube worthy moment! Hate the pain for you, but the way you tell it does not leave room for much else except explosive laughing with intermittent Oh my's!

Really do hope you don't end up with a black eye!

cardiogirl said...

This is an example of excellent imagery via writing:

...bouncing and jouncing down each stair, individually, like a fleshy stone skipping off a particularly unyielding lake.

Well done!

Jenn Thorson said...

Deray- The boots remained fairly unscathed, just a little dirty. :)

Meleah- I think no one has yet tried the One-purple-eye look. If Michael Jackson could have the one-glove, I can have the one-purple-eye.

Lisa- I'm actually a lot better off than I'd anticipated, largely due to a liberal application of Ibuprofen.

Cardiogirl- Oh, I'm glad you liked it. :)

injaynesworld said...

Meleah sent me over and I'm glad she did. I feel your pain. Well, not really, but I enjoyed reading about it. Well, not in a mean-spirited, HA-HA - look at you way. Well, yeah, maybe I did just a little. ;)

Janene Murphy said...

Uh. So sorry to hear, though I loved your Seussical stylings. Hope you're feeling better.