80s Big Hair and the Earrings that Ate New Jersey

Blazers with shoulder pads suitable for Pittsburgh Steelers defense...

Pencil skirts with waists that reached the upper clavicle region...

And a white patent leather pocketbook emblazoned with a cartoon barnyard print... (This is something which I know I did not buy myself, and which may have been a remnant of my one Miss Piggy Halloween, where for years thereafter, everyone felt inspired to gift me with random pig-centric items.)

Anyway, these were just a few of the things I found when cleaning out my basement boxes this last week. And it was tucked into the aforementioned example of Barnyard Couture, that I discovered my 1980s high school ID...

Given the width and height of my hair in the photo, it is truly a remarkable example of physics at work, that it actually fit in the purse.

Ah, I remember these days well, too... Where the outgrowth of half an inch of perm meant-- not that I could finally run a comb through my hair and let the squirrels return to the woods. But that it was...

Time for another perm.

My hair was fried better than the Colonel's extra crispy. But what it lacked in, say, softness, and health and, oh... shine... it totally had in diameter.

Which by 1980s standards was very, very cool.

Ah, look at the eyes, smudged with Wet n Wild's colored eyeliner, the best that $0.99 could buy! I spared no expense when it came to beauty.

Look at the smiling yet pained and sweat-misted expression. Because I probably had come straight from having to wrap my leg around my head in the Jane Fonda Workout portion of Phys Ed class. And there's nothing you want to do more after getting yourself in a pretzel position for 40 minutes than have your photo taken for posterity for ever and ever and ever.

It must also have been after lunch, as I completely bucked conventional portraiture traditions by posing with food in my teeth. That was my undaunted rebel nature at work.

(Also because there wasn't enough time between classes to ever really use the restroom.)

And last, I suppose you probably are wondering if I planned to address the elephant in the room-- or rather, the great satellite dishes dangling from my ears.

Yes, those are, in fact, earrings-- those items that look like what would happen if the Care Bear Cartel took over Dish Network.

Well, I am proud to say, I made those myself. Yes, those are official, 100% hand-crafted, hand-beaded, hand-melted-with-Mom's-iron-making-stink-enough-to-scare-the-smoke-detectors, original, 16-ounces-apiece, clip-on, earlobe-screaming tat.

All in rainbow colors, too-- as in the 80s, rainbows meant Joy and Magic and Trendy and, in some cases, Vibrant Overcompensation for Depression. And not, y'know, Diversity like it does today.

So when you get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, "I have seen better days," just smile and remind yourself:

Your hair fits safely in your car.

Your earrings aren't a smart substitute for a free weight workout.

And the only rainbows you'll see hopefully will be streaking across the rain-spattered sky... and not on your knit sweater, shoelaces, and Trapper Keeper unicorn notebook. (Actually, okay, I still kinda think I might like the notebook.)

_________________________

So tell me, folks-- what past fashions do you look back and regret? :)

_________________________