Cracking the Fortune Cookie

"Talk to me, cookie."

Each week, I find myself at the Chan An Chinese restaurant suffering from a serious General Tso craving. And each week, I crack open a fortune cookie and read its post-lunch message.

No, let me rephrase that. I crack open a fortune cookie... read its post-lunch message... and then promptly forget about it, leaving said fortune on the desk by my computer.

Where it sits. And accumulates with other fortunes. Where they have a caucus, and talk about things like Confucianism. And the Lucky Numbers of the Day. And the Cantonese word for "fish." And tricks of the trade like that.

I wasn't buying their jive the first time around, of course. But now, taken as one collective, overall Mega-Fortune, I'd say they break down into three basic categories:

• Vague Predictions
• Vague Predictions With Metaphors
• Advice from Mom

Vague Predictions:
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"Your dream will come true."

Really? Which dream? I mean, I'd like to know. The one where I get a major exciting book deal? The one where I go to dinner with Johnny Depp, Will Snow and John Corbett, and I somehow lose my shoes and hope no one will notice?

Or the one where vampire zombies start chasing me around an old warehouse which eventually turns into my elementary school, and then I don't know where my classes are, and I'm late, and still the zombies follow but they don't have the class schedule, either, because I ask them, and...

Well, which one, O Cookie? It does make a difference. Footwear is at stake here!

Or how about:

You will soon meet the person you admire.

And once again, the cookie is delicious and crisp, but light on the details. I mean, I admire a lot of people:

One of my friends' dads for his kind-hearted patience....

Screenwriter William Goldman for his ability to transfer books effectively to the screen-- while Stephen King only thinks he can...

Mother Theresa for her charitable efforts...

And the Dyson Vacuum Cleaner guy for single-minded devotion to 'never loses suction' vacuum cleaner technology... Just to name a few!

But the cookie, the cookie doesn't care. The cookie just tosses out its vagaries, looking for some schlump, some maroon, who'll give it an easy out and make the fortune fit for it. But that's baked goods these days, I guess. They want all the credit, but none of the responsibility.


Vague Predictions With Metaphors:
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"The wheel of good fortune is finally turning in your direction."

and

"Doors are opening for you in many areas of your life."

So we've got wheels and doors now. And gosh, with all these opportunities headed my way, I imagine pretty soon I'm not going to even have time for fortune cookies. I'll be too busy wheeling, dealing and door-opening!

Of course, what good fortune is headed my way, and which areas of my life, the cookie is strangely mum about. I guess there's only so much space on that slip of fortune paper to dish the dirt. Sort of like Twitter, or a Classifieds Ad. You work in what you can with a limited number of characters.


Advice from Mom:
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The third category of fortune cookie messages seems to think we'll be so wow-ed by its sage advice, we won't even notice that it hasn't given a fortune at all.

This is the type of fortune that has our best interests at heart. It wants to make us a better person. And it's a bit abrupt in its style of expressing itself.

This fortune might as well be from Mom. The advice you didn't want. Contradictory messaging. A little bit pushy.

"Be careful! Bees with honey in their mouths have stings in their tails."

Yes, yes, Mom, I know-- he couldn't possibly like me for me, blah, blah, blah...

"Take advantage of your great imagination. It will serve you well."

Well, gee, Mom, thanks! I'm touched. You know, I really appreciate this uncharacteristic show of support for my work, and--

"Be tactful: overlook not your own opportunity."

Okay, I mean I wasn't trying to be rude, Mom, I just--

"The successful man waits for no one; the lazy man waits forever."

Well, gosh, I mean, I've got two blogs and a full time job and--

"Those who make excuses, find little reward."

I wasn't trying to make excuses, I was just explaining--

"Be patient in one moment of anger and escape a hundred days of sorrow."

I didn't think I was being especially impatient with you, but you're sorta getting on my n--

"Those who stand up straight today, will not go crooked tomorrow."

Are you still on about my posture, Mom? Geez Louise, you've been nagging me about that since I was eight-frikkin'-years-old!--

"A filthy mouth will not utter decent language."

What?! I wouldn't even qualify that as swearing! I'm just really starting to get frustrated now and--

"Hair that follows the trends, follows fools."

Are you kidding me? Hair comments now? I'll have you know, I happen to like my hair just the way it is, and--

"Wait-- you have something on your face. Let me just get that."

I'm outta here!

(PS--Have a great weekend, folks!!)

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