The Magical 'Of Cabbages and Kings' Humor Factory Tour

Here at Of Cabbages and Kings, our Quality Control Managers (okay, the Jane Austen Bobblehead on my desk and I) work tirelessly to ensure readers like you receive a consistent Online Humor Experience from visit-to-visit. But how do we do it?

Well, today, we'll take an exciting tour behind the scenes at Cabbages Central, the high-tech neurocenter where minutia, tedium, childhood trauma and scenes from the grocery store salad bar are fed through, washed, chopped, processed and packaged into regular bite-sized humor posts.

First we enter the Inspiration Room, the place where our Forensic Humor Investigators inspect and analyze all that is Truly-Funny, Might-Be-Funny or Pressed-For-Time-So-What-The-Heck.

Animatronic dancing gophers who groove to Kenny Loggins are always funny....


Bobblehead dolls based on the great names in literature are also funny...


Lots and lots of Johnny Depp action figures posed so it looks like they're talking to each other can be very funny, indeed!


Here you see the Cabbages Idea Documentation Lab. This is where we take the inspiration and add a crunchy outer coating. Only the very latest technology is good enough for this critical step in Cabbages post creation.


For example, just five years ago, Cabbages management made a significant technology investment to improve our connection to the burgeoning Web.

This technology is called "dial-up" and it changed the way Cabbages blog posts are created. Prior to this, all online composition was fueled through foot-power, generated by management on a stationary bike. The wonders of lightning-fast dial-up have allowed Cabbages to increase productivity by an incredible 2%!

Unfortunately, it has also caused your hostess to pack on a few pounds.

Once ideas for posts are generated, they sit in the Waiting Room. We give them year-old magazines and let them have a good think.

The moment they get bored enough to rise up and threaten to head to other blogs where they'll actually be appreciated, we choose an idea from the ranks and bring it into the Aesthetic Surgery Chamber.

Here we flesh out the idea and then give it the nips, tucks and really surprised look that makes it barely recognizable from what it once was. Then we shove it out into the world with the bandages still on.

This is how we ensure the bruised words, grammatical scars and discolored typos that make a Cabbages post truly unique.

Ideas that haven't been chosen at this point continue to wait in the Waiting Room, until they are either eventually selected and developed, or die of old age and irrelevance. In those latter cases, we sweep their decomposed skin and bones under the area rug and let the cleaning people deal with the rest.

We try not to ask too many questions about the disposal details, just in case there's a trial later.

Old King Cole Slaw, the blog's famous Front-cabbage and Chairman of these operations, is integral in day-to-day life here at Cabbages Central.


Like other powerful men and women of business, he sits in his office and "facilitates." This means he doesn't actually do any of the work, but knows how to tell your Blog Hostess to do things she's already currently working on in such a way that makes Cabbages look like it's crisis-solving.

In this way, Cabbages Central really isn't any different from your standard corporate structure.

Well, I hope you all enjoyed your time here at the factory today. Please take only one Everlasting Gobstopper on your way out, keep to the right of the First Draft Crematorium, and have yourself a truly Cabbagalicious Day.

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