The Cat that Wasn't

So driving home yesterday, along a narrow suburban road near my house, I came upon this yellow-orange fluffy form lying in the middle of street.

I initially THOUGHT a local feline had spent at least ONE of its lives-- and from the looks of things, it seemed to have shot the whole Life Wad in one go.

I like animals, so I slowed, saddened... the faint sounds of "Memory" playing in the distance.

Now, we’ve always had quite a few stray cats around:

  • The black cat that likes to lie in the sun on my porch, which everyone thinks is mine but is just freelancing…

  • The giant orange tabby that plays King of the Mountain on my garage roof, scaring the Cheez-its out of me when I look out the kitchen window…

  • The skinny gray stripey cat with the surly expression, who carries brass knuckles and smokes Marlboros…

  • The fat mangy calico with the bow legs, who could really hit it big with a supporting role in the next Harry Potter film…

I didn’t know this particular cat.

So I pulled carefully around the creature, because, you know, there are kids in the neighborhood and I sure didn’t want to be the person they saw giving a tire-massage to Mr. Fluffy.

Then I got a good look at the “corpse”…

It was a giant ball of tree pollen.

Okay, I am WELL AWARE that the amount of space my sinuses require of me is something comparable to Luray Caverns, and that there is far more room for them than Brain.

I also get regular sinus headaches that make Zeus giving birth to Athena by way of cranium seem like a pesky papercut...

So I know that this all could seriously affect my perceptions about the perils of allergy season.

But REALLY-- The pollen is organizing now? First it starts to replicate the family pets and, what, we’re next?

I don’t like it.

So this allergy season, I suggest you keep a close eye on Mittens. Give more than a cursory glance to Fido. Because when your favorite furry friend returns from the great outdoors, your beloved bow-wow... your finicky feline... might just turn out to be a giant mutant ragweed replicant in disguise.

Yup, they're getting seriously wily, these allergens...

And I figure, it's just better to be safe than stuffy.


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Humor-bloggers are 100% immune from allergies. How DO they do it?

6 comments:

chyna said...

Oh no that is what happened to the cat I got with the purchase of my house! The pollens ate him!!!! Don't forget the cottonwood trees who are organizing to make us think it is winter by the "snow drifts" of cotton accompanied by these horrible sticky husks that drop on the cars leaving yellow-green marks and attach themselves to the animals feet. One day my parents will find the cat stuck to the roof from the cottonwood trees. I smell conspiracy to out our pets!

Jenn Thorson said...

Heh, very, very possible. It's remarkable no one has figured out their game sooner! (I'm imagining the look on the face of your cat, trapped, adhered to your car. :) )

Kathy said...

ACK! I see one of these "creatures" on the way to work every day. And every day I worry it's an animal. It's gigantic and bizarre and it's stressing me out!

Jenn Thorson said...

See, Kathy- This is just what I was suspecting-- they're trying something. I'm just not sure what the overall plan is.

Because the pollen cat is today no longer sitting in the middle of the road, I suspect someone ELSE decided it looked too much like a beloved pet, investigated and swept it up.

At least I HOPE that's what happened. Because the alternative is too creepy to bear. :)

Greg said...

Eeeewww...an allergen kitty! OMG...so now the pollen's well-organized enough to make decoy shapes to attract unsuspecting allergy sufferers?!?!?!

People NOW do you believe in global warming...?!?!

Jenn Thorson said...

Apparently so. It's happening here, and out where Kathy of the Junk Drawer above lives... it's SWEEPING the NATION!

In fact, how do I know you're not a Pollen Greg writing me at this very moment?