The Cat that Wasn't

So driving home yesterday, along a narrow suburban road near my house, I came upon this yellow-orange fluffy form lying in the middle of street.

I initially THOUGHT a local feline had spent at least ONE of its lives-- and from the looks of things, it seemed to have shot the whole Life Wad in one go.

I like animals, so I slowed, saddened... the faint sounds of "Memory" playing in the distance.

Now, we’ve always had quite a few stray cats around:

• The black cat that likes to lie in the sun on my porch, which everyone thinks is mine but is just freelancing…

• The giant orange tabby that plays King of the Mountain on my garage roof, scaring the Cheez-its out of me when I look out the kitchen window…

• The skinny gray stripey cat with the surly expression, who carries brass knuckles and smokes Marlboros…

• The fat mangy calico with the bow legs, who could really hit it big with a supporting role in the next Harry Potter film…

I didn’t know this particular cat.

So I pulled carefully around the creature, because, you know, there are kids in the neighborhood and I sure didn’t want to be the person they saw giving a tire-massage to Mr. Fluffy.

Then I got a good look at the “corpse”…

It was a giant ball of tree pollen.

Okay, I am WELL AWARE that the amount of space my sinuses require of me is something comparable to Luray Caverns, and that there is far more room for them than Brain.

I also get regular sinus headaches that make Zeus giving birth to Athena by way of cranium seem like a pesky papercut...

So I know that this all could seriously affect my perceptions about the perils of allergy season.

But REALLY-- The pollen is organizing now? First it starts to replicate the family pets and, what, we’re next?

I don’t like it.

So this allergy season, I suggest you keep a close eye on Mittens. Give more than a cursory glance to Fido. Because when your favorite furry friend returns from the great outdoors, your beloved bow-wow... your finicky feline... might just turn out to be a giant mutant ragweed replicant in disguise.

Yup, they're getting seriously wily, these allergens...

And I figure, it's just better to be safe than stuffy.


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Humor-bloggers are 100% immune from allergies. How DO they do it?

Pennsylvania Smith and the Lost Gardens of Kitschylawn

With Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull coming out soon, my thoughts have turned to those of adventure, archaeology… and goose-shaped lawn ornaments.

Er... I probably should explain.

It's spring, and the neighborhood lawns are being trimmed, dug, planted and bedazzled with popular yard decor. And it occurred to me-- as I was tucking a plastic cherub behind a shrubbery myself-- that thousands of years from now, we’re going to be judged by these things we showcased. Our ancestors will look at our lawns and gardens and everything in them as a microcosm of our culture. And it's going to be pretty freakin' hard to explain some of this stuff.

So join me today, at that very moment when the leading archaeologist of the far future—we’ll call him Dr. Howard "Pennsylvania" Smith-- holds his first press conference to tell the world about the fascinating garden he has uncovered, dating back all the way to the mysterious and magical year-- 2008.


PENNSYLVANIA SMITH: I'd like to thank you all for being here today. This dig was the thrill of a lifetime for my colleagues and I. Never in the history of our excavations have we found a garden from the early 2000's so untouched, so intact. And I know the academic community is abuzz with curiosity, so we wanted to share with you today some of the more intriguing items we've discovered so far.

The first thing we uncovered is... well... personally, one of my favorites. What you see here is a polymer statue depicting some kind of large ancient waterfowl. Possibly what was known as a 'goose.'

The unique thing about this particular object—and this hasn’t been seen before in other digs in this region-- is that it’s wearing what looks like the remnants of small human clothes-- a behavior not currently exhibited in our own modern waterfowl.

Yes, you can see, it appears as if it’s been intentionally dressed in yellow rain gear.

Er... we haven't quite figured out the purpose of this. Possibly it's a totem of worship, a symbol to appease the rain gods.

We’re in the process of verifying whether any of the major religions of the Appalachian region featured a deity who appeared in the guise of a bird as a symbol of, say, harvest or growth... So, that's certainly something we're looking into now, and we hope to have more information for you in the future.

Moving on-- next, we have this wooden effigy of a female in a bent or crouching position...

The original paint on the plaque or sign indicates popular clothing of the era for these ancient people included short red polka-dotted gowns and ruffled underclothing.

Now if this piece is any indicator, standards of female beauty may have been such at the time that excess fat was considered a sign of both wealth and power...

And the upturned posterior may be symbolic of fertility. This, like the waterfowl statuary, will require further investigation before we can know for sure.

Okay, Steve, can you bring that over here so the folks can see? Yes, just roll it on over now... I know it's heavy...

Thanks. That's great right there.

As we got further into the site we uncovered this fascinating artifact. Now we're almost certain it's a fountain, but what we've been really focusing our efforts on is the figure on the top of it. It looks like it's a young male human-- or perhaps some sort of other enslaved population, because of its diminutive size-- but look at how it's standing. It's poised as if to be permanently... um...

Well, for the ears of the younger members of our audience... er, it appears to be, um, relieving itself into the pool of the fountain. Again, this may be some sort of fertility piece or possibly a water god. We're just not sure at this point.

Okay and lastly, we uncovered this piece. This small bearded plaster figure in a tall pointy hat...

You can still see some of the original paint on it, and the vivid colors lead us to believe that because of its bright pigments and its wizened look, this may be a replica of one of the leaders of their world.

Yes, we think this may be one of their political leaders-- possibly a popular liberator of the people at some point during their history... Because we've found, like, ten others of these over the course of the time I've been excavating, and it looks like this was one really popular guy.

Well, we'll be including all of these items and more in an upcoming piece in Global Geographic magazine, so if you're looking for more information on any of these items, you'll be able to read about it there.

And me, I've got to get back to the dig site now. We've just about got the top layer of dirt off what seems to be some kind of skeletal metal animal... a deer maybe.

It's got some very primitive wiring running through it, so it's possible that they had robotic pets or beasts of burden they used during this time period to help with odd and assorted chores. I don't know all of the details for sure. So we'll just share what we can as it unfolds.

Thank you for your time today.


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Pennsylvania Smith also uncovered the lost city of Humor-blogs.