Jaromir Jagr and the Game Face

The Pittsburgh Penguins are doing well in the Stanley Cup finals, and finally beat the Rangers in the series this weekend. There, they'd faced former Penguins star and over-all moody bloke, Jaromir Jagr. I hadn't seen Jagr for a while (I'd always been a Ron Francis gal, myself), so when local news did an interview with Jags, I was a little surprised at the new look he was sporting.

I mean, I know the playoffs tend to set off some interesting superstions. Like eating 50 pounds of meat before a game.... Not washing a "lucky" pair of socks.... Chanting something in Czech forty thousand times...

But for Jagr, it seems he's exchanged his famous mullet for a decent haircut, and then added, er... this....


This facial... er... goatee-oriented...


Um.... Hitler mustache chin stripe combo... thing.


So okay, normally, I abstain from the kind of humor where someone is made fun of unmercifully. Someone who isn't, you know, me. Because that brand of humor is cheap and easy, and not cool really, and it's certainly not like I'm Ms. Perfect or anything...

I mean, in the 80s, my hair had its own zipcode.

But really-- Jagr... Jags... sweetie... what were ya thinking?


On the interview, I can't even tell you what he said. Why? Because I was too busy looking at this expression of hairy line art.

And as I'd just written a few weeks ago about what would happen if a presidential candidate tried to campaign with a Hitler mustache, Jagr's appearance just seemed timely.

So, I ask you, what do you think brought on this new look?

Did he think the Pens would just let him cruise through unscathed because he was channeling his inner dictator?

Did he think Sidney Crosby would back off because once Hitler shows up, the tanks are sure to follow?

And what about the "soul patch" with a little extra soul that extends beyond his chin like a tiny hairy diving board?

Why is it perfectly centered with the mustache?

Is it an example of goatee OCD?

Needless to say, I've been entirely useless during any sports interview that's come on featuring Mr. Jagr. I'm eating dinner and I stop in mid-bite, unable to look away. It's mesmerizing.

I admit to having a similar problem with toupees.

Anyway, I open it up to you all. Is this some totally cool look that I'm too much of a nerd to truly appreciate? Should I rush right out and find me a guy sporting this fine Hitler-Shaggy style while the getting is good?

Mr. Blackwell-- your opinion, please.

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You know, they laugh at Hitler moustaches over at Humor-blogs.

Spamming with the Stars

Jack Bauer emailed me. Yep, he took time out of his busy 24-hour-working-day of saving the country from terrorists, head-butting baddies, and being tortured-- where every second counts-- to send little ol' me an important message about...

Male enhancement.

What a guy! I mean where, in his jam-packed schedule, would he even get the time to devote to this sort of public service? To care about the, er, little people out there?

I guess maybe in the eight minutes of commercial breaks each episode. Presumably when he also pees.

You'd just think this sort of online support could be delegated to a trusted friend at CTU, or something. Like Chloe. But not our Jack. Nope, it's so like him, isn't it? He just has to do everything himself.

Well, right as I was wondering how my purchasing male enhancement products from dodgy, semi-anonymous companies online could contribute to the greater good of America, and I considered delving beyond the mere subject line... get this:

Writer Jean Shepherd (A Christmas Story) emailed me, too! Which really impressed me, since not only didn't I envision him as being particularly tech-savvy, but he's also been dead for several years. I mean, now, I know the Internet is far-reaching, but this was absolutely astounding!

And what had our dear departed Mr. Shepherd come all the way from beyond the grave to say? What wisdom did he have to impart? His life's philosophy? The need to smoke fewer cigars? To share writing tips? Why, he came and created an email account to spread the word about...

Male enhancement!

I was starting to spot a trend.

Heh. It makes you sorta wonder what's in the spammers' minds, doesn't it? I mean, as far as marketing goes, perhaps we really are all self-absorbed enough to believe a famous person not only has our private email address but is going to take the time to send us a personalized note out of the blue.

But are we really out-of-touch enough to open and respond to email from fictional characters and dead celebs?

Maybe it's the spam equivalent of crank yanking. The email equivalent of calling and asking if Seymour Butz is there. The spammers are all at their computer terminals snickering and saying, "Let's see how they respond to... Bruce Wayne!"

And then they get this influx of payments from guys using their DC Comics special Dark Knight collector's edition Visa cards or something.

I don't know how it works, really.

And I guess I'll never find out, because my lack of response must have cut off my connection with the spirit world. Yes, indeedy, ol' Jean Shepherd never emailed me again. It's a shame, too, because I had a ton of questions about the writing process and--

Oh, wait: Charlotte Bronte just sent me a note! And it looks like she has an important message for me about timeshares in Nigeria.

I really hate to sidetrack her-- I mean, I don't get a lot of vacation time for a trip to Nigeria-- but while I have her attention, maybe I can ask her just a few questions about Jane Eyre...

What do you think? :)

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I wonder if Jack Bauer ever sends email to the folks at Humor-blogs?