My foods are talking to me.
And no, not in a "Syd Barrett Of Pink Floyd Thinks He's an Orange" sort of way. Or even like that hallucinatory claymation cupcake scene in Tim Burton's Cabin Boy. No, I mean they're talking in a hip and witty marketing zen sort of way.
And man, are they chatty!
I guess it started when Arizona Iced Tea began sharing a little philosophy with every bottle. Then not long after, my Snapple chimed in with commentary off the top of its cap.
But recently, I've been unwrapping a Lipton teabag for a nice post-work cuppa, and it's been guessing my mood.
"Unwind the string, unwind your stress," the tea packet advises.
(Gasp!) How did you know, O Wise and Minty Teabag of Wonder, that I am perhaps just a bit high strung?
Could it be because I am buying Mongo-Mint-Uber-Tension-Calmer-Downer(TM) tea?...
Or that I am currently surrounded by a four-alarm bonfire of lavender aromatherapy candles? ...
Or I'll be drinking this tea with a blood pressure pill chaser?...
What was the giveaway? Fess up!
Ah, but my teabags tell me other things, too.
"A minty way to say goodbye to stress," confides the tea.
"I know," I reassure it, "that's why I bought you."
"Like a cool breeze on a hot day," it insists.
"It's -2 degrees here, so don't get me started on the weather, Teabag."
"You've got goodness at the end of the string," it says.
"Okay, now you're just getting cocky."
Then my Heinz Ketchup piped up about how "its what hamburgers dream of." That it's "easier to spell than Worchestershire." And instructs me to "put it on food."
And now, now even the Dove chocolate has started enabling.
"Go ahead, have another :-) " its wrapper tells me, complete with smiley emoticon.
And I find I'm scared, because not only is it a little pushy and flagrantly unconcerned about my diet and health, but it appears to be web-savvy.
Who knows what a high-tech chocolate bar all hepped up on its own sugar high might be capable of?
It could start ordering more Dove to be sent to my home by the caseload.
It could go out on a huge spending spree!
I could end up at 300 pounds and in the poorhouse if I don't keep an eye on things! I won't have it, I tell you!
But:
"Too much of a good thing is wonderful," the Dove coos.
"Think without limits," it whispers.
It's like some cacao-powered devil on my shoulder. Telling me the things I want to do but shouldn't.
"Remind yourself it's okay not to be perfect," it assures me.
Yeah, yeah, let the paramedics know that after they get me out of the chocolate coma, okay?
Frankly, my kitchen is getting entirely too noisy, and it's starting to freak me out.
"We can't control the wind, but we can always adjust the sails..."
...Says the fortune cookie that came with my Chinese food. At least the cookies and I go way back. There's a comfort factor there.
But I tell you, if the next cupcake I see wants to have words? I am so taking some vacation.
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