*FLASH!* "You first, mister."
*FLASH, FLASH!* "Really? You mean it? Thank you!"
It was a very civilized moment on the roads yesterday, as another driver and I sorted ourselves out in a space wide enough only for Victorian carriages or natural childbirth.
I was feeling strangely magnanimous about my fellow man at the moment-- probably had too much Diet Dr. Pepper-- and I'd yielded way in the charcoal light of the autumn evening. The driver's surprise at this courtesy was expressed in happy high beams.
Funny how these signals we've come to use on the roads can mean one thing-- and can also mean exactly the opposite.
I mean, high beaming can say, "Please, go ahead." And "thank you." So basically, you could conduct a whole scene of those two gophers on Bugs Bunny using only your high beams...
*FLASH, FLASH!* "After you."
*FLASH, FLASH!*" Oh, but no-- after you."
*FLASH, FLASH!* "Oh, but I insist!"
*FLASH, FLASH!* "Why, thank you! You are too kind."
*FLASH, FLASH!* "No, thank YOU!"
(Humvee comes by, riding up over the back of both vehicles, crushing the drivers within, killing them instantly... )
*FLASH, FLASH!* "Ha-ha."
See, that's the thing. We have those Courteous Gopher high-beams, and then we have the Driver Teetering on Sanity's Edge high beams.
The ones that say:
*FLASH, FLASH.: "MOOOVVE, curse you! I'm leaving the job I hate... with the boss I hate more... to go home to my nagging wife and screaming, ungrateful kids... and get ten blissful moments to myself before they're home to make my life a living hell... and YOU are the meatsack between me and my destination. This is the frikkin' commute, you moron-- not Driving Miss Daisy."
I've met this guy before, actually. He comes in different variations in different places, but in mine, he drives a pickup truck with a great big red Elmo doll in the front window. He's run me off the road three times already.
And let me tell you, the irony is tangible when you begin to think your last view of life on this planet will be this blazing red Elmo screaming toward your windshield at 80 miles per hour.
*FLASH, FLASH!* "Yeah, that's right-- curse YOU, Elmo Truck! Do us all a favor and register for some anger management classes, mister!Ahem.
So there's the high beams.
But waving's another one. I mean, waving can be, "Hey, thanks for not crushing my car in this merge..."
It can mean, "Hey, there's Gladys over there, let's wave at her and not pay any attention whatsoever to where we're driving..."
And it can also mean, "You tried to crowd me out, you bugger, but I merged in anyway so ha-jolly-ha-with-knobs-on. Thanks fer nothin'!" Sorta sarcastic-like, see?
And this doesn't even include the various hand gestures available to us. I mean, there is, of course, the ever-popular one-fingered salute...
But me, now, I prefer what I think of as the Jersey Hand Wave and Rhetorical Question Combo Pack. It's sort of a flat-palmed chop to the air followed by a, "What's wrong with you? What're ya doin'?" that no one outside the car can hear, but which still somehow makes me feel a lot better.
To spice it up, the "What're ya doin'?" can be followed by the nickname of your choice. I prefer to start out with things like "Chachi", "Snookums," "Sweetie" and then, in extreme moments, I escalate it to a few more colorful selections.
I just think it's great that without much direct vocalization, we can say so much, so easily.
But hey, if you see a dude in a monstrous-big pickup with a massive stuffed Elmo in the front window, playing chicken with you?--
Just get out of his way. I mean, I like you guys, and nobody deserves Death By Muppet.
A little smart give-and-take can make a big difference in getting to Sesame Street safely.
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