I've Been a Bad, Bad Blogger...


My e-silence has been deafening. And the bony fingers of Mother Guilt have been clutching at my shoulder, poking me to action. She rasps in my ear, "It has been a month, and you have blogged of neither cabbages nor kings." Her breath smells of old burnt coffee and cigarettes, which is probably why her voice  sounds so much like Harvey Fierstein's.

I try to explain, I've been pulled in a number of different directions lately. Some of them good, like trying to promote my book while writing the next one. And some of them not-so-Cabbage-worthy. Like trying to wrap up my Dad's estate, a place from which humor posts do not easily come unless you enjoy laughing at a woman who wakes up at 2am freaking out that she forgot to submit some paperwork on the paperwork.

I am hanging in there. I am clinging on.

But Mother Guilt says to stop making excuses, my lack of productivity has forced her to come all this way, she's not getting any younger, and if I cared at all, I would get my posterior in gearior and write a damn blog post.

Mother Guilt is a taskmaster.

So I explain to her how I thought I was on the cusp of a post idea the other day. See, I keep getting these spam emails that make me wonder how many times they've been used as evidence in divorce court.

They're usually from a name like "Amber" or "Tracy" and they begin with "Hey, babe-- how come you don't answer my texts anymore?" They go on to tell an elaborate tale of how I, apparently, blocked this chick on Facebook, but we used to do a lot of flirting and now she's single again and going to be moving to my town, and she doesn't know anyone else here, and she would like to pick up where we left off.

My being neither male nor gay, I didn't find myself scouring my memories for some one-night-stand named Amber. But I keep thinking if I were a not-so-web-savvy wife and I noticed this in my husband's email box, I might have a pang of concern. And a print-out for the poor dude when he'd come home.

Mother Guilt took a drag of her cigarette over this and said this wasn't enough for an actually funny blog post; it had no real resolution or any exaggeration potential for true comedic value, and I agreed. It's good to agree with Mother Guilt now and then; the element of surprise gets her off my back for a minute or two.

So Ma Mere Guilt is apparently still ruminating about where to apply the bony finger of shame next. That's why I thought I'd intercept her and let you all know I'm alive and haven't forgotten about you, that I've just been stretched as thin as filo dough on a Greek grandmother's kitchen table.

The Greek grandmother is probably pretty good with the guilt, too. But at least with her, there would be flaky, flaky pastry.


Question of the day: so have any of you gotten these very personal-seeming spam emails from Ambers and Tracys?

11 comments:

Pearl said...

I get e-mails from various English blokes letting me know that I've won some sort of lottery.

It's all very exciting.

Pearl

p.s. Write when you want to. :-) We're still out here...

Jenn Thorson said...

Pearl- Thanks, Pearl-- you're a whole lot more empathetic than Mother Guilt. :) Let us know when the TV announcements will be for your UK Lotto winnings.

ReformingGeek said...

It's good to hear from you!

I get emails for penis enlargement drugs. I'm sure they were meant for cat. His is quite small. I need emails for enlarging cabbages.

:)

injaynesworld said...

I never get any interesting spam. I feel so left out. Don't add another layer of stress to your life over your blog. Blogging is supposed to be fun. Do what you need to do until it's fun for you again. We're still here.

Melanie said...

My spam all goes to the spam folder before I see it. Tell Mother Guilt to go talk to Tracy and Amber and leave you alone cuz you're busy!

And when the estate is all settled and you can look at if from the other side, I bet you'll find a funny post about the paperwork for the paperwork.

Jenn Thorson said...

Reforming Geek- Yeah, cats are not particularly endowed in that way, are they? On the other hand, Harry's willy is white, the only part of him white on his whole black backside-- which makes me chuckle. I am, however, easily entertained. :)

Jayne- Don't worry, I can send you some of my spam, so you get to enjoy the whole spam experience. I don't want you to feel left out.

Melanie- Yeah, I admit I hesitate to write anything about the paperwork yet because every time I think I have something completed, some other bureaucratic nonsense pops up the same day related to it, and my head is in my hands again. Some distance will certainly help! :)

meleah rebeccah said...

"It's good to agree with Mother Guilt now and then; the element of surprise gets her off my back for a minute or two."

Well that made me laugh out loud.

I know you've been really busy and probably exhausted both mentally & emotionally. So keep hanging in there and keep clinging on.

And, yes, I get a crapton of emails from Amber & Tracy!

Boom Boom Larew said...

Amber & Tracy are my new best friends. I've been remiss myself in keeping up with the blogging world. Guilt is a terrible task-mistress!

Kelly said...

No, I personally haven't gotten those Amber or Tracy spams. At least, not that I've noticed. I know what you mean about the guilt of not blogging or not staying in touch with my ol' blog pals, however. Even when I have overwhelming responsibilities and concerns, it's hard for me to get a post out, funny, serious or something in between.

for what it's worth, I think you're doing a damn great job. I admire your efforts, Jenn. I would say to tell Mother Guilt to go take a hike but I know it's easier said than done. Take care.

angelawd said...

I get the Nigerians asking me to launder some money for them. Or maybe they want something else, I'm not quite sure, but they are absurdly formal.

mo.stoneskin said...

My first visit here. I came here by chance, of course, Googling around for a cabbage-based meal that would be fit for a king. Although disappointed that I didn't find that it was nice to have confirmation that Mother Guilt is a smoker, I always suspected that.