The Comforting Cacophony of Infomercial Shouting

"And if you act now, you'll get twice the amount of shouting for your grouting FREE!
That's two times the number of decibels per ear than you'll find in stores!"

I was having the morning java and checking email messages when a sound in the background caught my attention.

It was an infomercial ad with a loud, gravelly-familiar voice that I knew Simply. Could. Not. Be.

Billy Mays?! But Mr. Mays has passed, leaving a void in the all-important Product Demonstration and Shouting niche market.

Sure, an Australian guy had tried for a while to sell us super-mops and shammies and made us aware of the deep, infiltrating inadequacy and safety issues of our dirty car headlight covers. But that guy didn't really know us, did he? He didn't really understand that we are unmotivated to remove pet stains on our carpet for a low price of $19.95 and even doubling our order if we act now, when the benefits are told to us in a bright Aussie accent.

No, we need a good old-fashioned American Man to shout at us with all the zeal of that uncle who dines on meat for breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert. One who hugs all the kids in the family just a BIT too hard causing the occasional rib fracture, but only because it's done with love.

So when I looked up from my email, I was unsure what I would see. Had Billy Mays been cryogenically sealed in a vacuum-protected food preservation device that makes tomatoes and other produce last twice as long, just pay shipping and handling, and now he had returned to us?

Why no! This was a new Purveyor of Products. A fresh new face in As Seen On TV treasures!

Marc Gill is his name, he tells us, and while his head may be shinier than that of his predecessor, his style is eerily similar. Yes, Marc has come to save us from the Australians, from the ShamWow scandals, from not having tile grout that glows as brightly as Tom Cruise's teeth.

I realized then how great our loss had been. It had been at least a year since I had been shouted at regarding pipe drains and dirty sinks and whites that could be so much whiter. I had not been informed at great volumes how my clothes could all fit into a Ziploc sandwich bag to save more space.

But now, we have Marc Gill to fill the empty spaces that only jolly ear-bleeding vocal projection can soothe.

I sunk back into my chair, a sense of renewed peace washing over me, and looked at my coffee mug. Why, this mug wasn't travel-safe and impact resistant, able to take the force of a two-ton car running over it or a herd of water buffalo...


Ah, but it's all okay, isn't it? Because I know in a few months, our new friend Marc will undoubtedly have the answer. And I'll be sure to hear it, no matter where I am.

15 comments:

Jaffer said...

I can't believe Billy Mays is missed.

I haven't seen any informercials since umm... 2009ish ?

At work the television is tuned to the news channel, where this fellow appears frequently: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7ie9_mw0j4

Jenn Thorson said...

Jaffer- Ah, you have your own local guy. I noticed the comments about him on YouTube were less than flattering. :)

Jaffer said...

Yes, his ads are so annoying and they are silly and mad !

People question if his family is embarrassed and have wondered how and why major networks still allow to air him, and if he does really make that much selling and pawning jewellery !

The YouTube commentators are just trolls

lisa(rambler) said...

We used to have this guy that ran a furniture store who yelled like that on the radio and on TV commercials. Dang he is annoying. Billy Mays had a replacement for his company for a bit too. Yeah. Freaking annoying. As if the louder you yell the more likely I am to buy your product. Yeah. Not so much. Actually, exactly the opposite.

ReformingGeek said...

THAT WAS FUNNY, JENN. THEY ONLY HIRE PEOPLE WITH OUTSIDE VOICES.

WHAT?

Oh, stop shouting. Got it.

At least these clowns provide great blog fodder.

Self Deprecate Political Humor said...

It is oddly comforting getting yelled at @3am by some excited stranger on TV.

Jenn Thorson said...

Lisa- I don't actually order things off the television, anyway. These days most as-seen-on-TV items are available in Target; and no one yells at you there.

Reforming Geek- Do you think they put on their resumes "I only use my outside voice"? :) Or they write them all in caps?

SelfDeprecate- It wakes you up. Gives you that second wind you need. Fear does that.

nick said...

Hey, don't know Aussies. We can be just as annoying as anyone.

Paul said...

If I had a preference I think I would take the shouters over the more insidious infomercials. You know those that look at first glance like a news show? They often feature a semi-famous person or a personality who has tumbled down the mountain of fame so far that they've landed in infomercials. I inadvertently get caught up in these when I'm supposed to be getting ready for wor.

meleah rebeccah said...

OMFG, Jenn!

This is cracking me the hell up.

I have NOT seen any Marc Gill infomercials, YET. But I am VERY much looking forward to it. I am pleased they have finally found the right replacement for Billy Mays!

meleah rebeccah said...

Hmmm. Where did my comment go?

Nora Blithe said...

"Had Billy Mays been cryogenically sealed in a vacuum-protected food preservation device that makes tomatoes and other produce last twice as long, just pay shipping and handling, and now he had returned to us?"

HA!

zobop republic said...

Do the the producers of these infomercials think we're deaf and bumb? Yelling phonies!

Marc Gill said...

Hope you guys stay entertained....I'll try and keep it down :D

Marc :)

Marc Gill said...

You guys are fun :)